@roger,
paper? the Sears catalog is on line
@farmerman,
You gonna need a laptop with a good battery.
@panzade,
I grew up with one in the outer burbs of Sydney in the 60s.
Our related bad joke was "What's the fastest vehicle in the world?" "The sewage truck, because it has 60 piss tons."
@hingehead,
A dogs walks in to a western Union Office and dictates the following telegraph."Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof." the clerk says. "That's only nine woofs... If you want you can add another woof at no extra charge."
The dog looks at him and replies. "But then the message would make no sense at all."
@panzade,
My dog said he hates them!
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quadruplets, four big, healthy, baby boys."
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "Well, you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black."
@spikepipsqueak,
Spike - are you an aussie? Or is Tony Abbott a worldwide laughing stock?
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
One day, a man is walking along the beach and comes across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubs it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appears. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," says the genie.
The man is ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the genie continues. "What catch?" asks the man, eyeing the genie suspiciously. The genie replies, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you ask for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replies the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asks the genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appears in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," says the genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars," replies the man, and POOF! One million dollars appears at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the genie reminds the man. "Well, that's OK, as long as I've got MY million," replies the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asks the genie. The man thinks long and hard, and finally says, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Doctor: What seems to be the matter?
Patient: I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache and I have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in my office has it.
Doctor, Well then, it must be a staff infection.
—————
“I have terrible news, Mr. Larson. I’m afraid you have cancer and you have Alzheimer’s.”
“Well, doctor, at least I don’t have cancer.”
—————
“Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.”
“Come on now, pull yourself together.”
—————
“Doctor, there’s an invisible man in your waiting room.”
“Tell him I can’t see him now.”
—————
“Doctor, my fingers hurt. Do you think I should file my nails?”
“No. Just throw them away.”
—————
“Doctor, am I going to die?”
“That’s the last thing you are going to do.”
—————
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: Three hundred dollars.
Patient: Three hundred dollars for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can pull it slower if you’d like...
***
Remember kids, it's I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor...
@hingehead,
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
@qikipedia The QI Elves
In 1986 Michael Foot MP was made the chair of a disarmament committee. The Times headline ran: ‘Foot Heads Arms Body’
