Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

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Subject: Fw: A man is waiting for his wife to give birth...


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.


After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"


The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

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(Wait for it)

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(It's coming)

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(Ya ready?)

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(Don't hate me)

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(Ya gonna hate me)

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(Take a deep breath)

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"He should've quit while he was a head!"

The Bacon Tree


Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.

The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your
instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

Three Canadian blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said; "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said; "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said; "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said; "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said: "So, tell me."

She said: "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having

Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.

The Romans stuck Him to a cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter said: "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued: "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink
of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming
the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or
stay out!'"


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for
the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in
her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"


7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are
you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the
mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where
Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling,
the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and
play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his
hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair
on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

I posted these several years ago so this is recycled humor .... still funny

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Even if you don't know them, some of the answers are hysterical

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more! growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!



A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two

New dogs, and asked her what their names were.



The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one

was named Timex.



Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"



"HELLLOOOOOOO.....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

I absolve myself of all responsibility for these. They were sent to me as an e-mail by an otherwise sane and fine friend. They are just awful.

Q: What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois?
A: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she
didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours

Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car

Q: What does a Jewish husband call a water bed?
A: The Dead Sea

Q: Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A: Netanyahoo

Q: What's the name of the face lotion made especially for Jewish women?
A: Oil of Oy Vay

Q: What's the title of a horror film for Jewish women?
A: Debby Does The Dusting

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff

Q: In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become human?
A: When it wins a place in medical school

Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all

Q: Define "genius"
A: An average student with a Jewish mother

Q: Why did the mohel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat

Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggener (a crazy person)

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 500SL convertible

a little funny

Three hard-of-hearing old guys on a corner....

1st guy: Man, it sure is windy out here!

2nd guy: No it isn't, it's Thursday!

3rd guy: Yeah, me too - c'mon I'll buy the 1st round!

>>Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the
>>ocean.
>>
>>Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it
>>as the whaling ship that killed his father.
>>
>>Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, 'That's the ship
>>that killed my father! Let's swim closer!'
>>
>>When they were close enough, the male said, 'Why don't we swim under the
>>ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a
>>million pieces? That will be sweet revenge.' And the female agreed to
>>this.
>>
>>So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
>>enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
>>crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
>>
>>The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the
>>sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in
>>the ocean.
>>
>>The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, 'They're still
>>alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
>>sailors!'
>>
>>That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,
>>'Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen.'
>>
>>
>>
>

That one may just win the worst joke of the year prize, au.

I thought it was kinda funny, myself


How you doing, MA?

Traffic cop vs. VIOLATOR !!!

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH , underlined."

Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"

Attorney: Aggressive and hostile"

Officer: "Yes Sir?

Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do !"

ps.**** stands for bum-hole.

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma
"where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his
grandma "where's Mom and dad" and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked,"what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed

the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Wally didn't show up, Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe
he had a cold or some such.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried.

However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a
lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally
lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward,
but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!

Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the

coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me
with rape.

I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still
do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

Bill had been dating Jenny for a few months. When she invited him to have dinner with her parents, he considered himself lucky.

He arrived in the neighborhood where Jenny lived with her parents. He stopped at the neighborhood pharmacy to buy condoms.

"How many do you want?" the pharmacist asked.

"Give me a dozen, I feel very lucky," Bill said with a smirk.

At Jenny's house, Bill sat at the dinner table, next to Jenny. Jenny advised him they were still waiting for her father to come back from work. Jenny's father came in, went to the head of the table and "said grace".

All bowed their heads while the father prayed. After the prayer was finished, only Bill kept his head down.

"The prayer is finished. Why are you doing that?" whispered Jenny.

"I did not know your father was a pharmacist!" whispered Bill.

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there.

Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."

that was absolutely terrible, sublime1 - you're definitely in the running for Worst Joke.

I do my worst.