Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A blonde policewoman pulls over a blonde female driver.
Policewoman "Sorry, but you were speeding back there and I'll need to see your license and registration please".
Woman "What's a license?"
Policewoman "It’s a small square/rectangular thing with your picture on it".
Woman "Oh, here it is". She hands the cop a small pocket mirror.
Policewoman "I'm sorry, you can go now. I didn't know that you were a cop".

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
She opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...........,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

Please don't tell us you just heard this one.

I just heard this one Let's face it - apart from A2K, I don't come into contact with anybody who tells jokes - well, rarely!

TEN LITTLE PIGS
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he
decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male
pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs
and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles
apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each and find a
field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the
farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the
pigs into the family station wagon , (which was the only
vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass
tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're lying
in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so
he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station
wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued
each morning for more than a week and both farmers
were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He
called his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me
whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon
and one of them is honking the horn."

A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

Hey, vonny. Was the lawyer blond?

A farmer gets a new rooster, and is appalled with the bird's behavior. He mounted every hen, every chance he got, until the hens were exhausted, frightened and wouldn't come out of the hen house. Then he managed to get on top of the hen house and over the chicken wire and started in on the ducks. The farmer hears the commotion and comes running, but by how, the rooster had started in on the geese. No matter how fast he ran, he couldn't keep up. That afternoon, he sees some buzzards circling the cow pasture, and when he gets there he sees the rooser laying flat on his back. He walks over and says: "Well, ya finally did it, didn't ya. Ya just plain f*cked yerself to death!" The rooster shushes him, and barely moving, points up at the buzzards with his wing.

What blatant misogyny. As if the hens couldn't take as much as a rooster could deal out. A send for another rooster.

The priapic legend is always good for a laugh.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were due to be executed. They chose death by firing squad.
So the redhead is brought out first and placed into position. As the men take their positions, she looks around and screams out "EARTHQUAKE!" The men are confused and in her confusion, she escapes.
The brunette is then brought out and placed into position. The men also take their positions, so she looks around and screams out "HURRICANE!" The men are confused again, so the brunette also escapes.
Now the blonde has been watching the events unfold and she gets the idea. So she's brought out and placed into position. The men take their positions for the last time and the blonde looks around, then screams "FIRE!"

They always say that if you are being robbed at gunpoint, don't shout for the police. Holler "Fire". I'm not sure this is really good advice.

Scots sobriety test . . .

Not if your assailant is on the spectrum.

The difference between the male and female brain when asked the question, "shall we go for a drink?".

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request."
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?"