Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A best friend.

Two naughty boys, Johnny and Sammy were forever getting told off by their Mother for misbehaving. The boys were playing in the garden when the local Vicar called on their Mother. She told him how naughty they were and he said that he would tell them a lesson about how good people are rewarded by going to heaven. The Mother called in little Sammy and the Vicar said to him, "Do you remember Jesus? Do you know where he has gone?"
Sammy sat there quietly.
The Vicar asked again more insistently, "Do you know where Jesus has gone?"
Sammy sat there not saying a word.
The Vicar asked again even more insistently, "Do you know where Jesus is?"
Sammy suddenly got up and ran out into the garden shouting , "Johnny, Jesus has gone missing and we're going to get it 'cause that Vicar thinks we know where he is!"

Old jokes from when i was a kid in grammar school:


What's brown and sticky?



a stick

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What goes black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white?



A nun rolling down a hill.

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If you're walking with your honey
And her nose seems kinda runny
Don't think it's funny
'Cause it's snot.

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How do you catch a polar bear?



Cut a hole in the ice and spread a can of peas around it. When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

Kids' jokes - and Christmas cracker jokes - are often the funniest!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.

what's green and red and goes 90 miles an hour?






a frog in a blender...

I remember that one from when I was a kid. Its come around.

I wonder if the Mythbusters can do an experiment on whether a frog in a blender actually travels at 90 miles an hour....

True, dat. But my point was that it's a panda, not a wombat.

How do you know what it was when I first heard it?



I mean, my memory is going, but... Do you work for the NSA?

What is red, white, and blue, and can be found in a ditch?

It is a person who tells Polish jokes.

Your social skills are eroding

No change that I can see.

Heh-heh-heh.
That'd be telling, wouldn't it?

What makes you say that?

I have a friend who's half Indian.

Ian

http://www.channelate.com/2008/02/20/pirate-jokes/

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies: "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says: "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

That's not only a "mouth full," but those three gentlemen are some of the great minds of our species.