Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Beg to differ.
Roy Clarke writer of the most glorious of British sitcoms Open All Hours. Funny, humble, and oh so touching.

Actually, I was initiated into British television with Val Parnell's London Palladium Show...which was a must-see for most of the Yanks. Variety, yes...but with lots of British humor.

And the movies started with Carry on Nurse!

Don't know the ones you mentioned, but I'm sure I would love 'em.

Nancy, strictly an American, keeps asking me what I see in "that British humor stuff"...which she claims she cannot understand a word. But we went to a Play's in the Park a few weeks back...and they did a spectacular production of Spamalot…which she adored.

I think I’ve got here hooked now!

I'm 69, but don't you worry your pretty little head about that. I'm quite modern.

Spamalot was wonderful! Have you seen Life of Brian? It shocked people of my mother's generation, I think, but it contains some of the funniest scenes ever.

(she howls at the moon in despair!)

Pretty good advice izzy. It's in Jane Austen. Eric Gill made it a crusade. Fat Slags have accepted it as a law of nature. Marilyn turned it into art. So have many others. Cary Grant, W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Dick van Dyke, Barbara Windsor--to name just a few.

Have you seen the lady who sometimes does the weather directly after Newsnight?

A grumpy, mean, miserable old man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and the man complains, "Why can't I go straight in, I've been waiting here ages?"
St. Peter replies, "Sorry, but we have to check everyone coming in here. What have you done that merits you entering Heaven? What good deeds have you done lately?"
The man moans and says, "You ought to know. You work for God. He knows everything. Hurry up and let me in I want to start enjoying Heaven."
"First you have to tell me of a good deed."
"Oh alright," grumbles the miserable man. "One month ago I gave 25 pence to a charity."
St. Peter looks it up in his big book and then phones the Angel Gabriel when he can't find the entry who tells him to ask the man if he can remember any other good deeds.
The miserable old man says, "You lot must be very incompetent if you can't find that entry. Anyway about 6 months ago I gave 25 pence to a beggar on the street when it was pouring down with rain. Now find that and hurry up about it because I have been waiting here long enough."
Again St. Peter looks in his book and can't find the entry. He phones the Angel Gabriel and asks what he should do. The Angel Gabriel replies, "Give him his 50 pence back and tell him to go to Hell!

Let's have a f*cking joke, for a change . . .

Two men and a woman are killed instantly in a highway accident, and appear before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He has them take a seat and calls one of the men up. He then tells him:

The Big Guy thinks i'm letting everyone in without even bothering to see if they know anything about religion, so i'm afraid there's a test.

A test ? ! ? ! ? Oh no, i'm terrible at tests, tests were the ban of my existence when i was in school!

Relas . . . spell God.

You're kidding me.

No, spell God.

G-o-d.

Fine, have a set over there.

He calls the next man up, and explains to him what he explained to the first man.

Oh cool, i've always done great on tests.

Ok, spell God.

Are you kidding me?

No, spell God.

G-o-d.

Good, have a seat over there with your friend.

So he calls the woman up, and explains to her about the test.

That figures, all my life i've had to prove myself, no one would just accept that i was as good as everyone else, i had to contantly perform, show that i'm as good as a man.

Whoa, whoa, Lady, please . . . these other guys took the test . . . hey, Guys, you took the test, right?

Ok, what's the test.

Spell Czechoslovakia.

No, I usually turn over before then.

A Pig used to have Swine Flu, but he has been treated and he’s better now. Yes, he’s been cured …….. now he is a piece of Gammon!

A man goes into hospital and he is definitely a contender for the Victor Meldrew Pain In The Arse Award. He makes a real nuisance of himself asking the nurses to fetch this and that for him while complaining all the time. In the end all the nurses try to avoid him if they can and only one nurse goes in to him regularly to fetch an carry for him. He moans at her constantly and makes her life a misery while he is making a long term recovery from his operation and subsequent infection. After two weeks of constant moaning the nurse goes into the patient and tells him that she wants to take his temperature. The man opens his mouth, but the nurse says she needs to take a rectal temperature reading so the man rolls over on to his tummy. The nurse moves to insert the thermometer and says that she will have to leave it in for a minute for the correct reading and that while the temperature is settling she has got something urgent to do but will be back in a minute.
The nurse departs leaving the man lying there on his tummy. The man suddenly realizes that the nurse has left the door ajar and he can hear laughter in the corridor as people are passing so he starts shouting for someone to shut the door.
A few minutes later a Doctor hears the commotion, enters the room and asks the man what is going on.
The man replies grumpily, "Haven't you ever seen anyone having their temperature taken like this before?"
The Doctor says, "No, not with a rose sticking out of their bottom!"

http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexnaidus/amazingly-nerdy-history-jokes

It was in America during the Prohibition era when Al Capone was heard talking to his henchman. Al Capone said, "I hear there's a new Chinese Restaurant opened up down the block. How about you and me try it out this evening?"
The henchman replies, "I don't know nothing about Chinese food Al. Them Chinese eat Bean Sprouts don't they?"
Al responds, "I don't know either but that's OK, I'll look it up in the international food guide."
So that evening the pair go to the Chinese restaurant and order their meal. They eat the meal and then Al Capone gets up and shoots everybody in the restaurant and leaves. Outside the two men are talking and the henchman asks Al, "Why did you shoot up the place Al?"
Al Capone replies, "I looked up them Beans in the good food guide and it said, "Eat shoots and leaves." So that's what I does, I Eats, Shoots and Leaves."

Way I heard it:
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Punctuation dear

That's as bad as the one about the Roman who goes into a bar and orders a Martinus.

"You mean a Martini?" says the bartender.

"If I wanted more than one I would have said so," answers the Roman.

It was a wombat when I heard it. And pandas are not 'tree dwelling marsupials'