Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

And what did the brassiere say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

An Irish man walked out of a bar..

Now that's funny!!

Texas midget
>
> The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
> The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The
> doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
> The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the
> examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger
> under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and
> cough, the usual method to check for a hernia "Aha!" mumbled the doc,

> and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget

> to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his
> surgical scissors.
>
>
> Snip-snip-snip-snip on the rightside, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the

> left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted
> with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told
> the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles
> still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around
> and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
>
> The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied,
> "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
>
> The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots..

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE , RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones say "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas
> time?
> > >
> > > Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
> brothers and
> > > sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home
very
> late and
> > > we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then
all
> excited
> > > we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our
toys.
> > >
> > > Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at
> Christmas?
> > >
> > > Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad
> and we sing
> > > carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
> chimney and
> > > we hang up our stock ings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus
to
> bring our
> > > presents.
> > >
> > >
> > > Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to
leave
> him out
> > > of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen,what do you do at
> Christmas?
> > >
> > > Isaac said, Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home
from
> the
> > > office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy
> factory.
> > > When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to
> sing: What a
> > > friend we have in Jesus.
> > > Then we all go to the Bahamas.

During WW2, Hitler's grandfather clock went on the blink. This was more than a mere inconvenience to Adolf, who had found its ticking a great comfort in times of stress.

A POW was called into "service". All day long he had to stand in the corner of Hitler's study saying: "Tick..tock..tick..tock".

Weeks went by. One day, the POW, numbed by the sheer tedium of his menial task, snapped. Hitler was angered to hear his human clock saying: "tick…tick….tick".

"You", Hitler roared. "Vat iss the meaning of diss?" And then he added: "Vee haf vays of making you tock".

Thats a groaner!

The lisping dwarf.

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe Teeth....

Can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,

Picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff

of his neck and shoves his head deep inside

the horse's fanny. He holds him there for a couple of seconds

before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.

Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

"Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.

"Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning, so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

"Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, 'How you feeling?'

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose

They bagged six . As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose . The two lads objected strongly.


"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The BigW salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 5-kg.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk

Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."

"Why's that?"

"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

> A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for
> > Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a
> > beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and
> > all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
> > They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are
> > you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
> >
> > When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
> > wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word,"
> > Saint Peter told her.
> >
> > "Which word?" the woman asked.
> >
> > "Love."
> >
> > The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her
> > into Heaven.
> >
> > About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
> > watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
> >
> > While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband
> > arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you
> > been?"
> >
> > "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told
> > her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you
> > while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold
> > the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And
> > my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in
> > Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and
> > here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
> >
> > "You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
> >
> > "Which word?" her husband asked.
> >
> > "Czechoslovakia."
> >
Moral of the story: Never make a
> > woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

hey, that ain't so hard to spell! :wink:

What is worse than an apple with a worm in it?




The Holocaust

Matzoh Mattah You?

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed,

"Who wrote this!!!