Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent

Did ya hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

Fred was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Fred opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, 'Is someone in your house?'
Fred replied 'No'. The Police Officer then said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Fred said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.'
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at Fred's house and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to Fred; 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
Fred said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

That was great. I normally don't vote on post, but i voted that one up.

Reminds me of this old one:

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that his octopus can play any musical instrument in the world. Everybody laughs and calls him an idiot, so he says that he will bet £50 that nobody has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and the octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then puts them down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it hell, I'm going to screw it, just as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

All the top chess players show up at a hotel for an important international tournament. They spend the first hour hanging around the lobby telling each other of their recent victories. Their crows get progressively louder and louder as each one tries to outdo the others.

The hotel manager gets tired of this, so he throws them out of the lobby and tells them to go to their rooms. "If there's one thing I can't stand," he says, "it's chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would no approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the community, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry, Dad I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, your son.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

This woman up the street said she wanted me to make love to her in the worst way, so i did. Since then all she's done is bitch about my performance. There's just no pleasing some people.

It's soooooo bad! Congrats!

A man and wife had some nice plants in pots and when they heard the weather forecast that said there could be a frost that night they brought the plants into the house. While sitting on the sofa the wife saw a small green snake come out of the pots, she let out a terrible scream. Her husband, who was in the shower, dashed downstairs dripping wet and in the nude. His wife said, “There is a snake under the sofa.” So the man lay on the floor to get at the snake. Their little dog thought it was a game and gave him a playful nip. The man thought that he had been bitten by the snake and fainted. His wife thought that he had had a heart attack and phoned for an ambulance which duly arrived. He was put on a stretcher, but as he was being carried out one of the men saw the snake coming from under the sofa and dropped his end of the stretcher and the man fell off breaking his leg. The ambulance men picked him up again and he was taken to hospital. The next-door neighbour came round to see what was going on and the lady sat on the sofa and told him about the snake. While sitting on the sofa she put her hand down between the cushions, found the snake there, screamed and passed out. The neighbour thought she needed mouth to mouth and put his lips to hers just as his wife came in. His wife thought that he was having an affair with the lady so she hit him on the back of his head with her handbag that happened to contain a large tin of carrots, it cracked his skull and he fell to the floor. His wife left the room and called another ambulance. Meanwhile the first lady had recovered and seen the neighbour unconscious on the floor so she tried to revive him by pouring some brandy into his mouth spilling quite a bit in the process. Suddenly a police car arrived and two policemen came into the house. They smelt the whiskey and saw the two women arguing and thought it was a drunken domestic until one of the policemen saw the snake appear from under the sofa. He took out his gun and shot at it, but missed and hit a small table leg that then toppled over. There was an old fashioned oil lamp on the table that was alight and it fell onto the spilt brandy which started a fire. The little dog saw the flames and panicked running out of the house and across the road causing a car to swerve and crash into the police car which burst into flames. The house was well alight before a fire engine came with a big ladder on top of it. The ladder caught on the low overhead power cables breaking them cutting of the electricity to the area. As the Fire Engine's ladder tangled in the cables it made the truck slew across the road and hit the first ambulance going the other way carrying the first man to hospital. In the ensuing accident the man received two broken ribs, a broken arm and multiple cuts and gashes to go with his already broken leg.

Finally both men came out of hospital after the house was rebuilt and the man and his wife were sitting watching the news on the television when the weather forecast was given out warning of a frost that night. The man said, “ Shall we fetch those tender plants in?” His wife looked at him, picked up a gun and shot him.

An old man walks up to Number 10 Downing Street and is met by the Policemen on duty at the Prime Ministers black door. The old man asks the Duty Policeman, "Can I see Mr. Blair, The Prime Minister, please?"
The Policeman replies, "I am sorry sir, Mr. Blair is no longer the Prime Minister."
The next day the old man walks up to Number 10 Downing Street again and is met by the Policemen on duty at the Prime Ministers black door. The old man again asks the Duty Policeman, "Can I see Mr. Blair, The Prime Minister, please?"
The Policeman replies, "I am sorry sir, Mr. Blair is no longer the Prime Minister as I told you yesterday."
The third day the old man walks up to Number 10 Downing Street and is met by the same Policemen on duty at the Prime Ministers black door. The old man again asks the Duty Policeman, "Can I see Mr. Blair, The Prime Minister, please?"
The Policeman replies, "I am sorry sir, Mr. Blair is no longer the Prime Minister as I told you yesterday and the day before. Don't you understand what I am saying to you? This is the third time that I have told you."
The old man replies, "Yes, of course I understand you, I just like to hear you keep saying it. Its very reassuring to hear you say that at the start of every day!!!!!"
"See you again tomorrow, Sir," says the Policeman with a grin.