DATING IN 1957
It's the summer of 1957 and Richie goes to pick up his date, Jane.
Richie's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Jane's mother answers and invites him in. "Janes's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
That's cool. Jane's mother asks Richie what they're planning to do.
Richie replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Jane's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Richie and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Jane's mother, "We know Jane really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Richie's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Jane comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Richie escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Richie.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Jane rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom!!! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me
mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker
Here's one of the worst I've ever heard. It goes way back to my early childhood.
A kid opens the refrigerator door and there, among the milk bottles and eggs and lettuce and all, sits Bugs Bunny. "Bugs Bunny! What are you doing here?" the kid asks.
(Get ready for this.)
"Isn't this a Westinghouse? Well, I'm westing."
Now that is a bad joke.... Hat's off to you....
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband, "Y'know, you're really a lousy lover!"
The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two
'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with
it.
And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed
to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I
brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and
grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play
18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
I automatically become a mime whenever I get really drunk.
Why?
Because I'm feeling no pane.
DrewDad wrote:I automatically become a mime whenever I get really drunk.
Why?
Because I'm feeling no pane.
Thats really bad. Top 5 material
I'm an unemployed jester...
...which makes me nobody's fool.
How do you know policemen are strong?
Because they can hold up traffic.
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
What did the one snowman say to the other snowman?
Smells like carrots.
Psychiatrist to chicken: "Why do YOU think you cross the road?"
What did one hat say to the other hat?
Answer: "You stay here I'm gonna go on a head!"
Tired?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why:. . .
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for
state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice
