@tsarstepan,
A friend of mine once developed a bad toothache on a Saturday afternoon and after a good deal of phoning around he found a dentist who was, as he said, open all hours.
When my friend was got into the chair the dentist asked him did he want an anaesthetic. He was surprised by such a question and asked the dentist if some patients did not require one. It turned out the dentist was quite famous and people came to him from far and wide because he was prepared to conduct operations without administering pain relief.
@tsarstepan,
Come on now! Your jokes cannot be too bad on this thread. But that is too bad.
@Region Philbis,
Don't worry about the present, RP. After that lame joke, I'm not getting you one.
Darrin Johnson's Family History :-)
The doctor is amazed at what good shape Darrin Johnson's in and asks, "How do you
> stay in such great physical condition?"
>
> "I'm from Montana and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish" says the old
> guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before day light
> riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting
> or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is
> well."
>
> "Well" says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
> it. How old was your father when he died?"
>
> "Who said my Father's dead?"
>
> The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old…….. and your father's still
> alive? How old is he?"
>
> "He's 100 years old," says the old cowboy. "In fact he worked and hunted
> with me this morning, and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive.
> He's a Montana rancher and he hunts and fishes too!"
>
> "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than
> that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?" "Who
> said my Grandpa's dead?"
>
> Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
> grandfather's still alive?"
>
> "He's 118 years old," says the man.
>
> The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting
> with you this morning too?"
> "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
>
> At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting Married??? Why
> would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
>
> "Who said he wanted to?"
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter:
"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."
“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"No. The Pearly Gates..."
***
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest over the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.
She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
@Region Philbis,
Go stand in a corner for a while. There's bad, and then there's BAD.
@Roberta,
'boida, can i come out yet?
Is it ironic that I joined the mile high club while flying on Virgin?
