Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked,

"Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle."

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone." To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

She sleepily replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that ****?

SUNBATHING

A rather well-proportioned woman planned to spend almost all of her
vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel.

It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long.

She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided
that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard
someone running up the stairs toward the roof.

Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was
ying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out
of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you
sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a
bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor
and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man,
"except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Ukrainian perogies with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite perogies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his Ukrainian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man??

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the perogies was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered man trembled on his way to the perogies at the
edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon
by his wife.

"Feck off!" she said. "They're for the funeral."

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services .. the United States Marines ... you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs".

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't
getting a ny younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. H e goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy.

We're finally getting back on track. Those really are bad jokes.

An Irish man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irish man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irish man nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skippin'!!!!

Awesome jokes. But when were we off track, merry andrew?

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonay."

Best short joke of the year!


A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

When some of us started telling some pretty good jokes. But the last few are awful. Good job, mates!

This guy was celebrating his 47th birthday and, feeling good about the way he looked, he walked up to a stranger on the street and said, "Today is my birthday. How old do you think I am?"

The stranger examined the man, studied his face and hands, and said, "I would say you are 31."

The guy smiles and says, "I am 47 today! Thank you very much"

He continues on and while on the subway, asks a fellow passenger, "How old would you say I am? Today is my birthday."

The passenger examines him closely and says, "35?"

"Thank you, kind sir, but I am 47 today."

Next, while standing in line at McDonalds, he asked the person in front of him how old he was and when she replied 33 the man's day was complete. He was so happy about his youthful appearance that he whistled and smiled on the way home.

He looked around the bus, hoping to get one last opinion, and noticed a blind nun sitting across the aisle from him. Sitting down besides her he said, "Excuse me, sister, but could you, judging from the tone of my voice and the feel of my skin, guess my age?"

The blind nun says, "I believe I could guess your age if you were to allow me to place my hand inside your trousers. I have an uncanny ability to guess a man's age by such actions."

The guy was a bit startled by such a request, but wanting one more compliment before he headed home, he agreed to her request.

She snaked her hand down his pants and spent an inordinate amount of time caressing, fondling, poking, and prodding. Finally she extracted her hand from the guy's pants and said, "You are 47 years old today."

The guy is shocked.

"How could you possibly have known that, sister?"

The nun, now returned to her rosary, replied, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."

How does an Essex girl turn on the light after sex?
She kicks the car door open.
How do you know an Essex girl has had an orgasm?
She drops her bag of chips.

Harold woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache and cotton mouth, and was utterly unable to recall the
events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it
as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John

."I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

No, it's a new one on me, Mame. Perch. I love it.

Really Mame, you should get out and atrout more.

Q.Who killed John Wayne?

A. Burt Lungcancer.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them dropped **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird ****?"
"It was my first day with the hook."