A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to$10.00. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge $10.00?’
He said: ‘What?’
I just lost 15 kilos. That drug cartel will never use me as a mule again.
@Berty McJock,
They're still in the union.
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
@cicerone imposter,
For those who like their jokes pungent, here 'ya go. I have heard many of these but some are beloved oldies-but-goodies.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted..
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra..
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I
amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel..
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal.. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that
there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
@Ragman,
You're on a role today, Rags.
@Lustig Andrei,
thanks! I can cut-and-paste with the best of 'em, eh?
@Ragman,
Since most of the 21 were pretty good jokes, I made a hard copy, because my memory isn't too good - long term or short term.
I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"
So I apologized and replied, I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
