Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Reply Sat 2 Mar, 2013 06:49 pm
@Region Philbis,
Truly bad!!!!!!!!
0 Replies
Reply Sat 2 Mar, 2013 08:25 pm
Boida- That one goes back to my bubbe! Very Happy
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Reply Sun 3 Mar, 2013 08:59 am
kickycan wrote:

Two flies are sitting on a piece of crap.

One farts, the other one goes, "Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to EAT!"

That stinks.
0 Replies
Reply Sun 3 Mar, 2013 11:01 am
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra and ordered a martini.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

My Favorite:

Earthquake in Washington DC - obviously Bush's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Reply Sun 3 Mar, 2013 02:16 pm
The doctor tells the patient "You've got to stop masturbating".

The patient asks "Why?"

"So I can examine you!"
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Reply Mon 4 Mar, 2013 06:27 am
0 Replies
Lustig Andrei
Reply Mon 4 Mar, 2013 03:04 pm

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3.. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight
one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach. -

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when
wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who
has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by

13. Pokemon, n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn
by Jewish men.
Reply Mon 4 Mar, 2013 03:15 pm
I pointed to two old guys drinking across the bar from us and told my friend Mel,

"That'll be us in ten years."

He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb ****."
Reply Mon 4 Mar, 2013 04:14 pm
@Lustig Andrei,
good stuff Very Happy
0 Replies
Reply Mon 4 Mar, 2013 04:17 pm
Those same 2 guys go into a bar that has a mirror running all around the room.
They get their beers.
One of them gets up and says "Let's go talk to those 2 old farts at the end of the bar.
His friend gets up and the first guy says "Never mind, they're leaving"
Reply Mon 4 Mar, 2013 04:28 pm
panzade wrote:

Those same 2 guys go into a bar that has a mirror running all around the room.
They get their beers.
One of them gets up and says "Let's go talk to those 2 old farts at the end of the bar.
His friend gets up and the first guy says "Never mind, they're leaving"

Pretty bad, which is good. Did you just make that up?
0 Replies
Reply Mon 4 Mar, 2013 07:38 pm
A Hillbilly goes to the Dr to get his 12 year old daughter some birth control.
The Dr asks, "Is she sexually active?"
The Hillbilly thinks for a moment and then replies, "Nah, she just lays thar without movin' like her ma."
0 Replies
Region Philbis
Reply Mon 4 Mar, 2013 08:54 pm

0 Replies
Reply Tue 5 Mar, 2013 09:23 am
Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

Second says, “No, its Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Lest go get a beer.”

0 Replies
Region Philbis
Reply Tue 5 Mar, 2013 08:49 pm

Reply Wed 6 Mar, 2013 10:12 am
@Region Philbis,
That is so bad. Thanks!
0 Replies
Reply Sun 10 Mar, 2013 03:03 am

I look a lot like my mum. It's as though we were separated at birth.
0 Replies
Reply Sun 10 Mar, 2013 10:54 pm
0 Replies
Region Philbis
Reply Mon 11 Mar, 2013 05:49 am

Reply Mon 11 Mar, 2013 04:45 pm

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