What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
What's the scariest beast in the Amazon rain forest?
A duck carrying an AK47.
You guys are on fire - or should be.
@hingehead,
How do you smoke a cigar?
You light it.
@cicerone imposter,
Two guys on a boat with three cigarettes and no matches, how do they manage to smoke?
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter.
Thank you Batman and Robin circa 1965
@hingehead,
When they said I was average, they were just being mean.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me - FRED ALLEN
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
@Advocate,
I'm going to "try" to remember that one! LOL
@hingehead,
My understanding is that J.S. Bach fathered so many children because he had no stops on his organ.
A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!
Hymie the nebbish led a life of quiet desperation in a small town in the old country. Nothing he did turned out right. He couldn't catch a break.
Every morning he would slice a piece of bread from the loaf. Every morning he buttered the bread. And every morning the bread fell, butter side down, to the floor.
This particular day, Hymie awoke and dressed as usual. He sliced the loaf of bread and buttered the slice. The slice fell to the floor. But this time it was different. Butter side up!
Hymie was astonished and ecstatic. Butter side up! Could this be a sign that his life was changing for the better. That things would improve? He rushed off to consult with the village rabbi. Hymie needed the rabbi's insight and wisdom.
He arrived at the rabbi's home in a state of excitement. He was welcomed and explained to the rabbi what had happened. "Every day for years, rabbi, the bread landed butter side down. But today it was butter side up. Is this a sign?"
The rabbi pondered and then spoke. "My son. What this means is that you buttered the wrong side of the bread."
