Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to visit a psychic. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid our in front of her the psychic said:

"There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt -- prepare to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death within a year.

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, and then looked down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to go ahead.

She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:






"Will I get away with it?"

And Abraham said unto Isaac, his beloved son, "Son, I want to put some more bells and whistles on this computer. I'm going to upload some really neat games and hook up a videa camera."

And Isaac answered him, saying, "But, dad, you don't have enough memory on that old computer. Where will you get more memory?"

And Abraham answered, "Son, G*d will provide the RAM."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....



"Only when he's been drinking."

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.


The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year !

no matter how much u dislike ur mother in law u cant set fire to her

wat do u do when u miss ur mother in law
reload

I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my MIL up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

Subject: Everybody's Mommie
(The absoluetly worst batch of Jewish Mother jokes I have ever run across)



The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it
graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdales

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came
back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says,"Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given
a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody.

Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won,
let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the
street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'
"Force yourself," she replied.

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

those jewis jokes r funny ur on the wrong thread this ones for really baaaaad jokes

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he
had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy

Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this here
turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle."

A little boy was sitting on the curb, playing with some partly dried horse manure. He seemed to be sculpting a man-shaped figured from the excrement, using the offal like play-doh.

A Rabbi came along, peered at the boy and asked sternly, "What are you doing with that nasty stuff?

The kid looed up at the Rabby slyly and said, "I'm making Rabbi."

The clergyman was understandably upset by this insluting reply. He turned to walk away and bumped into a Protestant Minister of his acquaintance.

"You look upset, Rebbe," the Minister said. "What's the problem?"

So the Rabbi told him what had just happened. The Minister thought this was pretty funny and wanted to hear it for himself. So he ambled up to the boy and asked, "What'cha making there, sonny?"

The boy looked up, smirked, and said, "Im making a Minister."

Now it was the Minister's turn to be insulted and upset. He went back to where the Rabbi was standing and, as they were discussing the insolence and bad manners of youth today, a Catholic Priest came along. The two clergymen told their colleague their stories.

"Ah, you guys don't know how to handle this sort of thing," the Priest said. "At the Seminary, we're taught psychology and how to handle all sorts of situations. Watch me."

He walked over to where the boy was still playing with the horse-apples. He looked down. Instead pf speaking immediately, he sat down right next to the boy on the curbside. After a while, he nudged the kid with his elbow. "Say, I bet I know what you're sculpting there," the Priest said in a friendly but conspiratorial voice.

"What?" the boy asked.

"Bet you're making a Catholic Priest," the Priest grinned.

The kid thought about it, then shook his head. "Nah," he said. "Ain't got enough horseshit."

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says..

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Thunder Bay and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

People were waiting for the train to come, at a railway station. Suddenly an announcement was made saying the train was to arrive on platform 1. All the people jumped onto the tracks! They died consequently. But a blonde stood alone on the platform!! She was crying though. The station master consoled her. The blonde replied, " I wanted to commit suicide."

i cant remember if i posted this joke yet
two goldfish in a tank one says to the other u drive and ill man the guns

that actually had me LOL... duh!

I have heard a couple of times this unsettling "joke" ...
What is the difference between an onion and a prostitute?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
That passes for humor amongst some people.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

There were three pigs.

The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

Oh, my. Oh, my. Thanks, Gus, for being cruder than Johnboy. As for Mike's joke, what can I say? Reminds me of something I might have heard in 3rd grade when "wee" was pretty titallating. Perhaps that was Mike's intention, something pretty innocent.

AKA

What did the fat lady say to the fat man?

Thanks for the tip.

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green
every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week
for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall
upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the
Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green
shoes.


The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.


The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off
her shoes".

This thread is about bad jokes, I was just trying to get it back on track, you guys had good jokes.