Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

sod that! i'm getting the blow torch out the garage.

We probably don't all call you whingeing Poms - mostly because we can't understand that accent, so we can't tell if you're whingeing or not!

I had some sort of interaction in a car hire establishment when last in Scotland. Neither my friend or I could understand a word the gentleman said. I do hope it wasn't important!

lol to be fair i was mucking about and making a mountain out of a mole hill, i did get called it, by some people we were staying with, but they were family of my girlfriend at the time, and we were just lumped together as whingeing poms. i think they enjoyed my "but im not f@#kin' english" over reaction more than they enjoyed ripping it out of her, the actual target. so anyway don't read too much into that.

and i can't remember the last time a scot had anythng important to say, so i wouldnt worry. he was probably only asking if you could give him a tenner for a bottle of scotch, or a hit of heroin

Are you telling us, Margo, that you can't understand "'twas a braw bricht moonlicht nicht"?

you can even add another "the nicht"on to the end of that

"twas a braw bricht moonlicht nicht, the nicht."

the scots toast:

here's tae us,
fas like us,
damn few,
and they're aw deed.

och, and the dominie never taught me that

THE LOVING WIFE......


A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife
to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.
Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'


His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.'

But, but, but, that's funny!

Burma Shave Message


He saw the train
And tried to duck it.
First kicked the gas
And then the bucket.

What did the sperm say to the egg?

Pleased to gamete you.







Why do we call young humans "kids?" They're actually zygotes.

i have a condition that makes me eat when i can't sleep.
it's called insom-nom-nom-nia.

saw a new band tonight. they were called "Prevention"
they were better than "the Cure"

just sold my air guitar on ebay for £40. whoever bought it must be a right idiot.
i only paid a tenner for it.

short, curt answers...slamming doors....sarcastic remarks...and no dinner on the table. a few indicators of my wifes mood. she told me yesterday to remember what day it is today. i put the f@#king bins out, why is she so mad???

Roses are red, violets are red, tulips are red, bushes are red, trees are red... Holy crap! My gardens on fire!!

roses are black
violets are black
everything is black
why did she spurn me?

Great, but funny!