Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

my son came home from school all excited today.
"dad, dad, i got a B in my spelling test!" he said.
"that's an E son!"

A little boy goes up to his dad and says, "Dad i have to do a special report for school. Can i ask you a question please?"
The father replies, "Of course you can son, fire away!"
The little boy says, "what's politics?"
"Well son, lets take our home as an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me 'David Cameron'. Your mother is the administrator of money, so let's call her 'George Osborne'. We take care of your needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. we'll call the maid 'The Working Class', and your baby brother is 'The Future'. Do you understand son?"
"I'm not really sure dad. i'll have to think about it."
That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parent's room, where he found his mum fast asleep. He went to the maids room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. He tried knocking quietly, but they didn't notice he was there, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
"Dad, i think i understand what politics is."
"Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
"Well, dad, when David Cameron is screwing the Working Class, George Osborne is sound asleep. The People are being completely ignored, and The Future is full of sh1t."

i saw a poster that said:
"breathing air in metropolitan areas can reduce your life expectancy by 2 - 3 years."

i would imagine that NOT breathing it would reduce it considerably more.

That is funny, which is a "no, no."

Thanks for the feedback, you know, but. . . .

sorry i really should make a couple of things clear.

i know some god awful jokes, the likes of whch should never be seen in print.
you really don't want to hear them.

also, i don't play by the rules.

they say you should test your fire alarm once a month.
i try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.

the woman at the job centre said, "your always late, you ignore the queue when you finally do get here, and you are rude to everyone"
"yeah?" i said, "what's your point?"
"have you thought about becoming a bus driver?"

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ****'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"

how many words does it take to change a lightbulb?
2
lightbulb changed

There is a new invention. It's called fire insurance.

you can insure fire now? wow

Watch where you take advice, Berty. They don't insure against your acts of arson.

how about petty vandalism then?

Weeell. . .

There is that old chestnut about the man who bought a box of quite expensive Cuban cigars. Because the price had been high, he had Lloyd's of London insure them for several thousand dollars (far more than he had paid for them). Then he placidly smoked them all over a period of time and promptly put in a claim on his fire insurance policy.

Lloyd's, to maintain its reputation, promptly paid off the claim... And then had the man arrested on charges of arson.

I wish I knew Berty well enough to endorse this solution.

hang on, im just popping up to the petrol station,

don't forget the wooden kitchen matches

ok so as i'm sure you are all aware, "findus" are now caught up in the never-ending horsebeef scandal:

it's been announced that ascot is altering its terms for this year, and instead of "soft", "good to firm" and "firm", they will be using "well done", "medium" and "rare".

Heinz have denied that traces of an STD were found in their cock a leekie soup.

anyone else see the irony?
in the week they find the DNA of richard III they also find that of a horse.

2 horses playing hide and seek.
"quick jump in the lasagne mix" says one, "they'll never Findus in there"

i'm serving small squares of lasagne on cocktail sticks at a dinner party.
i guess you could call them horse d'oeuvres

my Findus lasagne states: "warning, may contain nuts".
well at least i'm not eating gelding.

my kingdom for a lasagne.

just to be on the safe side i've taken my lemon mousse back to sainsbury's

i'm more surprised that a Findus lasagne has 100% any kind of meat in it.

in spite of the recent scandal, consumers still prefer Tesco value burgers above those offered by rival supermarkets.
this is according to a recent gallup poll.

vegetarians aren't even safe from the horsemeat scandal.
wooden rocking horse shavings have been found in Linda McCartneys Cannelloni.

f@#k you, and the lasagne you rode in on!