Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Y'know, I certainly knew that but somehow failed to make the connection with the punch line. Ah well. It's early here still and I'm working on only my second cup of java.

my dad's bought a moped, started wearing zoot suits, and listening to "the who" and "the jam".
he's having a mod life crisis.

what's the slang for a cat's vagina?

my new years resolution is to stop leaving things so late.

2 fish in a tank.
one says "i'll drive, you man the cannon!"

germ warfare get's on my nerves.

i hate when people write "your", when they mean "you're".
there so stupid!

Excellent!

i gotta be honest, when i first heard it i didnt know what muy grande meant, i just guessed it must mean very big (i mean i knew grande was big...that much is obvious lol).

i'd have looked a right twonk if i'd posted it here and "muy" meant "bridge" or something :p

i also hate when people keep banging on and on about "infinity" and "eternity".
it annoys me to no end.

and i hate when people rely on visual humour.
i've had it up to here!

Still trying to figure out if this misplaced apostrophe:


Is prefiguring this one liner.


Where's that prescription?

Chalk it all up to irony, hinge.

Irony!! Where?

Irony on A2K is as rare as a thistle in the Sahara Desert.

I've never visited the Sahara, Spendi. For all I know thistle down blows about in confusion when the simoom whistles across the waste.

yeah apologies for the misplaced apostrophe, i didn't notice it till after it was too late to edit.
i'm so stupid!

Good work Berty, very droll.

This



reminded me of the story about the man who invented "cat's eyes" as a safety feature for roads at night. He noticed that cat's eyes reflect vehicle headlights, and gleam in the dark.
I heard it said that, if he had seen the cat from the other angle, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

brilliant.

shame visual jokes dont work in print. i know the best ever cats arse visual joke.

Why did the skeleton not go to the party?

He had no-body to go with.

2 sausages in a frying pan. one says, "its a bit hot in here!"
the other says, "f@#k me! a talking sausage!!!"

a couple are invited to a fancy dress party, but don't have anything to wear. they put their minds together and came up with a plan.
they go to the party and knock on the door. the host opens it to find the couple on the doorstep, the husband giving a piggy back to his wife.
"and what have you come as? asks the host.
"a snail." replies the man, "this is michelle."

sophie the prawn is scuttling home from work across the sea bed one day when she suddenly remembers it's her boyfriend christian's birthday. as she continues her journey, trying to think what she can get christian as a gift, she passes a nightclub which looks like it could be fun.
"i know" she thinks to herself, "i'll take christian clubbing!"
she walks up to the door of the club for a better view, but a crab doorman stops her in her tracks.
"this is a crabs club. no prawns allowed!!...unless of course you want to be eaten, crabs eat prawns, remember?" says the doorman.
disappointed and dejected sophie scuttles off home....it looked like such a fun club. anyway, on the way she passes a fancy dress shop, and in the window there are 2 crab costumes.
"perfect!" thinks sophie, "we'll go as crabs!" so she hires the costumes and scuttles off home.
on the way she decides it would be fun to surprise christian, so she puts her costume on, and carries on her way. when she gets there she knocks on the door (i know...she would have keys, but it's a joke), and christian answers it, takes one look at sophie and screams "aaaagghhhhh crab!!!! don't eat me! don't eat me!", and slams the door shut.
realising maybe that wasn't such a good idea, sophie takes her costume off and knocks on the door again.
"go away crab!" shouts christian, "you just want to eat me!"
"don't be scared" replies sophie, "i'm a prawn again christian!"

I have a friend who's really into organic remedies (and kind of obnoxious about it). "Here, try this, it's 'all natural' so it's good for you."

Last week he was under the weather, so I took him something 'all natural,' and sure enough he was on his feet in seconds!

The restorative power of an angry bear in your house is simply amazing!




Alternate ending: The restorative power of beeswax is simply amazing, although next time he wants me to remove the bees.

I'm in favour of religious freedom. When I go fishing, I insist on the separation of perch and skate.

They wrote on my medical chart that I had type-A blood,
but it was a type-O.