202
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
hingehead
 
  4  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 02:14 am
@Berty McJock,
Bloody hell Berty!
Quote:
imagine a world without rhetorical questions.

That's not a question, rhetorical or otherwise - shouldn't it be 'Can anyone imagine a world without rhetorical questions?
<takes anti-anal-tentive pill>

Quote:
a librarian commits suicide, thus creating a paradox.

I don't get it. I'm mad as hell and I don't get it. Sad
Pearlylustre
 
  3  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 02:51 am
Q: Where do you go to weigh a pie?


A: Somewhere over the rainbow.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 03:02 am
@hingehead,
It was on a joke thread, so I went along and laughed anyway.
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 04:00 am
@hingehead,
Quote:

imagine a world without rhetorical questions.


"That's not a question, rhetorical or otherwise - shouldn't it be 'Can anyone imagine a world without rhetorical questions?
<takes anti-anal-tentive pill>"

blinkin flip, talk about pedantic. fair point though, i'll let you have that.

Quote:

a librarian commits suicide, thus creating a paradox.


"I don't get it. I'm mad as hell and I don't get it."

who's the scotsman going to ask for a book on suicide? i know, it's terrible...but then again this IS supposed to be a bad joke thread.

...and i can't ALWAYS be totally amazing :p
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 04:12 am
@Berty McJock,
They always say if you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny anyway. Thanks for explaining - or not, as the case may be.
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 04:46 am
@hamburgboy,
this horsemeat scandal started with tesco's value range beefburgers, who also got their burgers from silvercrest.
cue the horsemeat jokes which i've refrained from posting as i wasn't sure how well known the scandal was outside the uk.

Tesco are offering all customers who bought the horse burgers a free upgrade to their new high speed mobile internet service 4GG.

a man walks into tesco's cafe and asks for a burger. the bloke behind the counter asks "would you like anything on that?"
man replies, "yeah, a fiver each way."

despite the recent furore surrounding tesco beefburger patties, sales remain stable.

i think someone is sending me death threats.
woke up this morning with a tesco burger on my pillow.

tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.

despite HMV, and Blockbuster recently going into administration, you can still buy steven spielbergs's "Warhorse"..
at the frozen food aisle in tesco.

a cow walks into a bar. barman asks, "why the long face?"
cow replies, "[email protected]#king illegal ingredients, stealing our jobs!"

my doctor said i should watch what i eat.
so i've booked tickets to the grand national.

a spokesperson for tesco has stated that they have been supplied by silvercrest for a long time.
looks like the scandal had been going on for donkey's years.

i had some tesco burgers for dinner last night.
i still have a bit between my teeth.

just lost my job as a shelf stacker at tesco, where the packet of frozen beefburgers i threw at dave's head hit the store manager by mistake.
apparently they dont tolerate horse-play.

just checked the sell-by date on my tesco burgers.
...aaaaaaaand they're off!

apparently the horses used in the tesco burgers were abused before being sent to the abbatoir.
police are asking anyone with information about jimmy saddle to come forward.

think the horse DNA in beefburgers is bad??
wait till they have to explain the farmer DNA in the lamb-chops.

i'm not one for bragging,
but i'm hung like a tesco burger.

ok, ok, these tesco burger jokes are becoming lame.
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 05:09 am
@roger,
so if you have to explain a joke, it's not funny. if i explain it twice, does that act like a double negative, thus making it funny?
i need to get out more.

fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.
roger
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 05:33 am
@Berty McJock,
Now, that's funny.
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 05:51 am
ok one more horsemeat joke.

there is to be a public enquiry into food standards after the recent horsemeat scandal.
isn't that a bit like shutting the fridge door after the burgers have bolted?
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 05:56 am
if lance armstrong ends up going to prison for fraud, will he become stretch armstrong?
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 06:00 am
my girlfriend said she is leaving me because i'm stupid and bigoted.
i told her i'm not stupid, i'm dyslexic, and its not my fault i have big toes.
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 06:05 am
http://images2.fanpop.com/images/photos/3800000/Aye-Pod-scotland-3840041-404-403.jpg
0 Replies
 
Lustig Andrei
 
  4  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 02:18 pm
All these Tesco's jokes reminded me of this oldie but goodie:

Silver Streak was potentially a great race horse but had a tendency to get too frisky around the fillies. His owner thought it a good idea to have Silver Streak castrated so the steed would pay more attention to business at the track.

First race after the operation, Streak was off like a streak of lightning, leading the field, far ahead of the others. Suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks, hung his noble head and started to walk dejectedly back toward the stables. His jockey was furious.

"What the hell made you do that?" he screamed.

Silver Streak answered (this is a joke, remember? so horses can talk): "Well, I was feeling fine until I heard the people in the stands yelling, 'They're off! They're off!' How would you feel?"
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 03:51 pm
@Lustig Andrei,
lol took me a minute but i finally got there.
guess he's a eunochorn now :p

roses are red,
violets are blue,
horses that lose,
get turned into glue.
0 Replies
 
Joe Nation
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 05:13 pm
Does this work over there across the pond?

Burger King (Tesco) is now serving three sizes- the Whopper, the Double Whopper and the Seabiscuit.

Joe(I'm here all week)Nation
Berty McJock
 
  2  
Reply Sat 2 Feb, 2013 05:23 pm
@Joe Nation,
if you think the horse burgers are bad, wait till you see what's in these!!!

http://teaandsympathy.com/site/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/penguin-bars-origonal.jpg
0 Replies
 
Stugotz
 
  6  
Reply Sun 3 Feb, 2013 02:13 pm
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!
The husband, being a normal man, replied,="I am on the toilet, what should I do?”
0 Replies
 
Berty McJock
 
  4  
Reply Mon 4 Feb, 2013 02:04 pm
i think i must be the only person who hasn't seen this "superb owl".

a scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"did you smell that food?" she asked, "wonderful!"
being the kindhearted scotsman, he thought, "what the hell! i'll treat her."
so they walked past it again.

i used to be in a band called "muy grande".
we were very big in spain.
Lustig Andrei
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Feb, 2013 02:16 pm
@Berty McJock,
Berty McJock wrote:


i used to be in a band called "muy grande".
we were very big in spain.


I realize my command of Spanish is rudimentary. But why is that funny? What am I missing?
Roberta
 
  2  
Reply Mon 4 Feb, 2013 02:27 pm
@Lustig Andrei,
Muy grande means very big in Spanish.
 

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