Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

LOL

I Love blonde jokes

Happy New Year, Merry Andres - nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too, Mame. nd a very happy new year!

Two blondes walked into an office building.


You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

what did the fish say when it swam into a cement wall?









Dam!

what has 4 wheels and flys?? a rubish truck

wat has 4 legs and flys?? a dead horse

how do u get 100 babies in a bucket?? blenda
how u get them out?? doritoes
(srry by the word bad did u mean sick??)

> An old prospector walks his tired old mule into this western town one day. He'd
> been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked
> up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
>
> As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
> gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of
> whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed.
>
> Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at him and
> said "No I never did dance, I just never did want to."
>
> A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool you're
> gonna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's feet.
>
> The old man was hopping around and every body was laughing. He fired his last
> bullet then holstered his gun and he turned around to go back into the saloon.
>
> The old man reached up on the mule, got his shotgun and pulled the hammer's back,
> making a clicking sound. When gunslinger heard this, every thing got quiet. He
> turned around and was looking at both barrels aimed at him.
>
> The old man asked him, " Did you ever kiss a mule right on the ass?"
>
> The gunslinger swallowed, then said "No, but I've always wanted to."

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a
horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted
after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister , and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor? "

It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

How do you keep a blonde busy?

1) Ask her to sit at the corner of a round room.

2) Write PTO on both sides of the paper.

FINALLY A MALE BLOND!!

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING

FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,

SWEATING & PANTING.

"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.


"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.


HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS

4 YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP & SAYS: "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN

YOUR CLOSET & HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"


THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN & STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM,PAST

HIS SCREAMING WIFE,& RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS

BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR. "YOU ROTTEN S.O.A.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND,

"MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK & YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

If a tree falls on a mime in the middle of the forest, does anyone care?

Note: not sure if that's a joke :wink:

--
A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. They make a complete recovery with only minor head injuries.

Today in the Presidents' Office:

Vice president of Brazil, Jose Alencar met with the president this morning at 8:37 universal time stating a horrible tragedy.

"Mr. President, Sir. Four Brazilian soldiers died today at the american embassy!"

The president remained still and silent, although anyone could sense the nervousness about him and see the sweat trickle down his face.

After taking a quick gulp and reaffirming himself, the president responded "How many is a Brazilian?".

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

Two Scots, Archie and Jamie, are sitting in the pub discussing Jamie's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jamie. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jamie.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jamie, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

An "extremely" unattractive, mean acting woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.The Walmart Greeter does his thing and then asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, jackass, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why?........ Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?" "No," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

Q. Why should you never make out with a budgie?

A. Because you can get chirpees - an untweetable canarial disease.

What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on a head. I'll give these two a lift."

Why didn't Jesus Christ cross the road?













'Cause he was nailed to the cross.

Creation


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.

For this, I 'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will G ive you a life span of sixty
Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. Then for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Take notice; life has now been explained to you...

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f**** blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate
funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife,
Helen turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice
and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but
$30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to
the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My
God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

My 7 year old neice came up with this one: where do you keep your sandwiches? In your Sub Folder.