A man is sick of his life: His wife has affair after affair and doesn't bother to hide it. His children do not respect him, barely acknowledge him when he gets home and his boss constantly yells at him in front of his coworkers.
He then decided to take his life, so he bought a rope and walked into the forest to find a try to hang himself. While he was tying the noose, he hears a soft voice below him:
Don't do it! Life is precious!
My life sucks, the man replies and looks down. Looking up at him is a little froggy. Not giving a ****, he pours out his soul to the animal. Blinking, the frog tells him: If I can help you overcome this problems, would you do something for me in return?
If you can help me, I'll do whatever you say, said the man.
The frog then gave a little backflip and told him. It is done, go back to your house and remember your promise.
The man chuckles and goes back, laughing at himself and feeling better already. When he gets home, his wife throws her arms around him and begs his forgiveness. His children sit on his lap and he feels really connecting with them all.
The next day, at work, his boss gave him a promotion. The man cannot believe it and remembered the frog.
He then walked back to the spot where he found the frog. Ecstatically, he blubbered gratitude and picked up the frog tenderly. What do you want me to do for you? He asked.
I want you to **** me, said the frog.
Little frog, I will do anything you say but you are so small, I don't want to hurt you.
Don't worry, the frog said. I'll use my powers to assume a human form but since I already used up most of them helping you, I can only manage to transform into a 12 year old girl, is that ok?
The man said ok, so the frog transformed and the man did his part.
Aaaand, that your Honor is what really happened, not what that little bitch said!
@LionTamerX,
You win! That is the best really-bad joke.
A woman walks out of a building and notices a skeleton in the bushes alongside the front steps.
Horrified, she gets her phone out and calls the police. The person answering said: Thank you for calling. I think I know who he is. The Polish national hide-and-go-seek champion has been missing for some time.
One morning, three Newfoundlanders and three Albertans were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Albertans each bought a ticket and watched as the three Newfies bought just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one of the Albertans. 'Be watchin and learnin' answered one of the Newfies. All six boarded the train where the three Albertans sat down, but the three Newfies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please 'The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Albertans saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Newfies didn't buy even one ticket! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Albertan. 'Be watchin and learnin,' answered the three Newfie boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Albertans crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Newfies crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Newfies left the toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Albertans were hiding. The Newfie knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
@Mame,
Wait, hang on; a joke where the newfies are smart. Whoooah. Paradigm shift!
@Region Philbis,
urgh.
Hey - I don't suppose any of the film crew from Django worked on Wild Wild West - Leo looks a lot like Kenneth Branagh's baddy...
@Region Philbis,
There was a good one on CBS News last night from J, LaPook M.D.
"Sleep medications are likely to cause drowsiness."
@Region Philbis,
That reminds me of the old South Boston joke, Region. Why do people in Southie hate to live on O Street? You have to walk a whole city block to P.
A recent Ricky Gervais tweet
Dear Mr Gump, just look on the inside of the lid. There is a diagram and brief description of every chocolate.
@Mame,
Back in the days when I was in school with Canucks, the Newfies were the butt of all the jokes. It's nice to see them get the best of the rest of the country.
Q: Why did Lance Armstrong appear on Oprah's show?
A: Because he's also win-free.
And this passed on by BP Bear elsewhere
Congratulations And Kudos To Lance Armstrong
For having the ball to admit the truth.
2 cows standing in a field. first cow says "what do you think of this mad cow disease then?". second cow says "doesn't affect me mate, i'm a hovercraft"
how many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
watermelon.
how many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
2.
1 to hold the lightbulb, the other to turn the tits. i mean mother...room... ROOM!
how many sound technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
one, two. one, two.
@Berty McJock,
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
a: Just one. But the bulb has to
want to change.
New T-Shirt for Notre Dame Fans
@Berty McJock,
My version of:
how many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
2.
1 to hold the penis, I mean stepmother, I MEAN STEPLADDER!
On a QI repeat yesterday , paraphrased from Bill Bailey
How many bacteria does it take to change a light bulb
2, I mean 4 , I mean 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256 FFFAAAAAAAAARK!!
