Joe's Old Boat
They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat
and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!!
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old
dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery.
A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm
so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was
talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all
shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.
She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But
they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at
one time and she split right up the middle!"
The old woman fainted.
2 eggs boiling in a pan one egg says to other I've got a big crack, other egg says don't tease me I'm not hard yet
You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed, and they walk among US...
Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did!
A ROMANTIC STORY
I guess I'm just a softie----these romantic stories always get to me.
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said,
"Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace
that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
@edgarblythe,
edgarblythe wrote:
You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed, and they walk among US...
Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did!
She was probably just putting you on.
@Advocate,
What am I; a pair of pants?
@edgarblythe,
edgarblythe wrote:
What am I; a pair of pants?
No, but you are a literalist.
@edgarblythe,
I've gone to school with people like that, too. Scary!
@Advocate,
This is the bad joke thread. That didn't happen to me or anyone I know. You are supposed to read it, smile, and get on with your life.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I've never ever driven a taxi before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.
This continuing four year recession has hit everybody really hard...How hard, you ask?
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America (first time!).
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I was outsourced to a center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!!
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'?"
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances
While attending a harmony for couples weekend, Dave and his partner Ann listened to the instructor declare;
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
"It's Homepride, isn't it?"
Thus, began Dave's life of celibacy.
@mags314772,
?
So I'm really dumb. I don't get it. Homepride? Huh?
@Lustig Andrei,
Probably a brand of flour, not that I would know.
@roger,
Another Hostess brand of bread, I believe
