Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

- how weird, I honestly thought he said a little 'Butt Light'. Prescient or what? (we don't drink much Bud here - almost none in fact - it's about as popular as La Chouffe (i.e. most people don't even know it's on the shelves).)

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog for Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

That's actually a purty good 'un. Watch yer step there, ed.

Another guy with a talking dog is sitting in the pub boasting about how his dog could not only talk, but was very loyal and trustworthy.

In order to prove it he gave Butch £20 to take to the bookmakers to put on a horse. Butch didn't need to write anything down, just took the £20 and off he went.

Half an hour later Butch hadn't returned and his owner went to look for him. Butch was in a back alley having sex with a bitch.

'Butch, you've never done this before,' shouted his owner very disappointed.
'Yeah,' replied Butch, 'I've never had the money before.'

And you claim I'm a misogynist!!

I laughed at ed's joke. It reminded me of something.

So, there's this banker and one day it occurs to him that this guy comes in every day just after noon and makes a deposit of a thousand dollars.
Good customer. So, the next day, he stops the guy and says:
"I just want to thank you for your business, I've noticed your a regular depositor."
"Ah, you're welcome. And you're right, I deposit a thousand dollars a day." replies the guy.
"If you wouldn't mind me asking," says the banker, "What kind of business are you in?"
"No business. I'm a professional gambler. I make a bet every day, I win a thousand dollars every day and I come in here to deposit my winnings."
"Say what?" says the banker, "You're a gambler, but you say you win a thousand dollars every day? How is that possible?"
"Professinal gambler" the guy replies, "Most people think gambling is luck, it's not. It's knowing who to bet with, when to bet and how much to bet. That's all."
"It can't be that easy," the banker says, "Say, can I get in on some of that action?"
"Sure thing" says the gambler and he look the banker up and down,"Tell you what? I'll bet you $1000.00 that tomorrow at noon your balls will be square."
The banker does not hesitate.
"It's a bet."
"See you tomorrow at noon." says the gambler as he walks out.

So, the next day, the banker is sitting in his office and, at about five minutes to twelve, in walks the gambler and with him is this little dwarf in a tuxedo. The gambler walks over to the banker's desk and says " Well, let's see 'em."
The banker stands up, drops his pants and the gambler reaches out and grabs his testicles with his right hand.
"God dammit," he says, " They're round!!"
And the dwarf faints.

The banker is confused. He pulls up his pants and says "Wait a minute. You said that gambling was just knowing who to bet, when to bet and how much to bet and that you never lose, but I just won a thousand dollars off of you, buddy."

"Yeah, that's true," says the gambler, "But I bet this dwarf here two thousand dollars that by noon today I could have a banker by his balls."

Joe(rim shot~ cymbal splash) Nation

All credit to Lenny Henry for the bad joke I posted.

I like my women like how I like my coffee. With out a penis.

Fossil evidence shows that dinosaurs share more features with birds than with reptiles.

Maybe dinosaurs became extinct because they were constantly crashing into windows.

Does 0.999999(to infinity) equal 1?

Kids:
0.99999999999999999999999999999 =/= 1

Mathematician:
As a number 0.999999(to infinity), it will always converge to a value but will nevertheless be less than 1.

Engineer:
Just assume it's 1.

A Deaf Ear.

"Last time I saw my doctor is when he told me I was going deaf", said Baz. "I haven't heard from him since."

"Don't talk to me about effin' Doctors," grumbled John. "I went to my GP the other day suffering from diarrhoea and he prescribed a kilogram of flour. When I asked him if it'd cure me, he replied, "No, but it'll thicken it up a bit."

This is actually false. .9 infinitely repeating is exactly the same as one.

The easy way to visualize it is to ask, "what number is between .99999 (infinity) and 1?"

Another way to visualize: 1/3 is .33333333 (etc.)

1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3 = .9999999 (etc.) = 1

Damn. That's mindblowing....