Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Got to love an obvious pun you've never heard before.

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest
children?

Ask your mother.

Eeeew!

From Kathy Lette via Stephen Fry

Athens Airport Arrivals:
a customs official and a passenger:

“Nationality?”

“German.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just a vacation.”

From Scottish comedian, Frankie Boyle:

I was having trouble understanding why I could not undo my girlfriend's bra until I realised not everybody wears a bra like my gran's.

Two fish swim in to a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam"

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered –

'Is that one word or two?'

expat OZ comedian Brendon Burns

I love sexist humour - even when women do it.

I've performed with Brendon in the 90's. He was hanging out with Dave Haddingham and Adam Bloom at the time.

Two paranormal jokes that are in the novel Swamplandia by Karen Russell:

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

...Or the condiments factory worker who was fired because he caught his penis in the pickle-slicer?





Yeah, they fired her, too.

True Iz?

I first saw Brendon at the Melbourne Comedy Festival 2004ish - and actually had a chat with him when I bumped into him in a cafe. He was really nice, quite unlike his stage persona. I bought his two CDs, bits come up on random and still make me laugh. He's kind of a philosphical pervert - pushing at societal boundaries, from the other side!

I hope he's still making a living over there.

Yeah it's true, for a few months I ran the Dungeon Comedy Club in Southampton. I had to stop doing it when I trained to be a teacher. I dealt mostly with a London comic called Danni Mar, who also performed as Sam Miller. Our most famous comic was Harry Hill. What pisses me off is that just at the point it was taking off, the pub landlord decided he'd make more money with a Goth disco.

Comics are the nicest people I've ever met, Brendon was a really nice guy, after the gig they went to amate of mine's party. I didn't go, my daughter was about 2-3 at the time. David and Brendon set fire to Adam's trousers.

It will probably mean nothing to you, but I was at uni with Wil Anderson and Gary Eck - didn't know Wil but did theatre sports with Gary , he won Tropfest way later.

I used to love standup at the Private Bin (a Canberra landmark of ill repute) on Wednesday nights.

The teaching connection is funny, there's a guy here, Tahir, who I also met at the Comedy Festival - he was a teacher in Bankstown. I guess being able to get up in front of a crowd of mental midgets is a transferable skill.

When it goes well, it's the most incredible feeling ever. When it goes badly it can be gutwrenching. It's a type of public manic depression. And I'm sorry those names don't mean much to me, but then again, my name doesn't mean anything at all. I'm sure those guys you talk about are enjoying some measure of success. I've just got what ifs, but I've got two brilliant kids, so I'm happy enough.

Punography

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus .

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington , obviously government's fault.

I used t think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to

groan.

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.

"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."