Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

You have reached the breast self-examination hot line.

Please press 1

Now press the other one.

hnnnph

Two women were sitting next to each other at a local pub.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the pub, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again!

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.

On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

How boobs got their name:
Top View:
B
Front view:
O O
Side view:
b

Dilemma

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals
and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit
your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway,
leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball,
slicing it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent
look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends,
your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find
it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet
from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent
exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out
of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from
the hole.

With that said, the "what if" question is:

What if you had your opponent's ball in your pocket?

I've played with both of those guys...

I've seen Goldfinger too.

A cousin posted this on facebook





Do you know how hard it was to refrain from asking what it means if your kid is a little ****?

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some stupid idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!!"

Three priests were in a railroad station on
their way home to Pittsburgh .

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely,
well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top.

She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws
to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window.
'Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.'
He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window.
'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and
I would like the change in nipples and dimes.' Mortified, he too fled.

'Morons...'the third priest mutters and moves to the window.
'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh
and I would like the change in nickels and dimes
and, if you insist on dressing like that,
when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's
going to shake his Peter at you.'

They took the bus!!!

Interestingly, I've heard virtually the same punchline on a quite different joke.

It;s a common joke, I am sure.

I hadn't heard it before. It's a bit misogynistic.

And Balzac's priests would have laughed at the thought that priests were nervous at the sight of half a pair of tits. Through a window. Sheesh!!