Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Two ladies were sitting in church. One whispers to the other: my butt is falling asleep. The other lady whispers back:I know, I heard it snore 3 times already....

What did the Dentist holding a koala say when he lost his keys?

Where are my Keys?

Just read on Twitter:
Why did the lettuce blush?
He saw the salad dressing.

Serves you right for reading Twitter.

Tweet, Indeed.

You're quite right. I got what I paid for....

A Cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

The nun answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

A man was driving through Nevada, on his way from Las Vegas to Reno, when he saw a big roadside sign that said, "Sisters of Mercy. For a good time, come see us!" There was also a picture of a very good looking young woman wearing what appeared to be a nun's habit.

Intrigued, the fellow turned into a side road when he saw an arrow and another sign, reading "Sisters of Mercy. Drive right up."

He came to wat appeared to be a very conventional convent house with a large parking lot, parked his vehicle and went up to the front entrance. At his knock, the door was opened by an austere looking woman, dressed pretty much as you'd expect a Mother Superior or Abess to to be dressed. "Uh, I saw your signs," the man stammered. "I hope I'm in the right place. I'd sure like to get fixed up."

The abess smiled. "No problem," she said. "It will cost you $200, cash."

A few dollars richer from a recent stroke of good luch in Vegas, the man pulled out a wallet and handed over two C-notes. The 'Mother Superior' said: "Thank you. Now just go down the hall here and take the last door on your right. Go right in, don't even knock."

The fellow did as he had been told. He opened the door, stepped through, and the door closed and locked shut behind him. He looked around and realized he was back in the parking lot. Then he noticed the sign on the door he had just come through. It said

THANK YOU, BROTHER
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF MERCY

bad enough ?

excellent...

TEXAS LAW ENFORCEMENT
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn,and fast as a mustang.He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.When he finally came of age, he applied to where hehad only dreamed of working:a West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews,the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office forthe young man's last interview.The Chief Deputy said,"You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.So far your qualifications all look good, but we have,what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test",that you must take before you can be accepted.We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."Then, sliding a service pistol and a boxof ammo across the desk,the Chief said,"Take this pistol and go out and shoot:* six illegal aliens,* six lawyers,* six meth dealers,* six Muslim extremists,* six Democrats, and* a rabbit.""Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Great attitude.You pass," said the Chief Deputy."When can you start?"

That's truly terrible, irish!

It took me a minute to understand the pun. I kept thinking 'in ascent' instead of 'innocent.'

kaiser wilhelm inspected some new navy recruits .
he notices a strapping young frisian recruit .
the kaiser : " can he write , my son ? " .
recruit : " no , your majesty ! " .
the kaiser : " can he read , my son ? " .
recruit : " no , your majesty ! " .
the kaiser : " do you have hair on your chest , my son ? " .
recruit : " YES , your majesty " .
the kaiser - turning to the commanding officer : " this is the type of sailor we want in our navy . have him promoted immediately ! "

$280.000 MORTGAGE.

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2010

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!

This guy, he walks into a bar. He's alone, so he sits up at the bar and orders a beer.
As he's sitting there minding his own business and watching the game, he hears "wow those are great shoes" in a soft quiet voice. He looks around but doesnt see anyone within whispering distance, as the bar is pretty much empty.He shrugs and takes another sip from his beer.

"Where do you get your haircut, I really like it." says the same whispering voice. This time he spins around and still, no one is standing remotely close to him. He's starting to get worried that he's going insane, so he calls the bartender over.

"what can I get ya buddy" says the barkeep. He's a little embarrassed but he asks anyway, "well you know, I keep hearing this voice, but no one is sitting around me, i'm worried i might be loosing it" he replies back to the bartender.

"well what's this voice saying to you?" asks the bartender. "Really nice things, it told me it liked my shoes, and then my haircut." he replies.

"Oooh!" says the bartender with a chuckle, that must be the peanuts, they're complimentary.

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.

A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his
blood back!.

So she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you miserable
git, I'll pay you back monthly!"

And the moral of this story is :- Even if a woman eventually pays back what
she owes a man, there will ALWAYS be a string attached!.

No, no, Irish, these are supposed to be bad jokes. That's a good one.