Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

What do you call a dog..with no legs?
it don't matter.....He can't come to you anyway.

A True Blue Aussie Joke.

Only an Aussie

Two Aussies, Sam and Steve, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Sam stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Sam blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that XXXX Bitter !"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Steve looked disgustedly at Sam whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Steve said, "Nice going Sam ! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

I just got off the phone with my friend, Bill, living in the UP in Michigan. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

...just as funny the 2nd time here.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it,he is confronted by a little Chinese man, holding a
clipboard and yelling,


" You sign ! You sign !"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder,

"You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "look, you've obviously got the wrong person", and
shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the Chinese man is back with a truck load of brake pads.

He thrusts the clipboard under Nelson's nose yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting pissed off by now. He pushes the Chinese man
back shouting :

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I do not want them!" He
slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting. It is late in the afternoon and
he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, he sees the Chinese man again, thrusting a
clipboard under his nose and shouting:

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are two large trucks full of car parts.

This time Mandela loses his temper completely. He picks up the little
man by his shirt front and shouts at him:

"Look I do not want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name. Who do you want to give this to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says (in the best Chinese accent possible):


"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Grooaaan

I used to run a half way house, for girls that don't go all the way...

Best oneliners from the Edinburgh Comedy Festival this year according to the Independent:

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." Nick Helm

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." Tim Vine

"People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works." Hannibal Buress

"My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards." Sarah Millican

"Drive-thru McDonald's was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car." Tim Key

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said: 'Let's make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess." Matt Kirshen

"I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails." Andrew Lawrence

"Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex? Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife." Mark Watson

"I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure." Alan Sharp

Groan ....

I'll warn you folks, he's my little brother and he's famous for these stinky puns.

Do you know why Santa's Little Helper was so depressed?

He had low elf esteem.




(From Ellen's Classic Joke Monday)

Yep. That joke Irishk truly belongs here.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to please disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

He is? And here I invited him to stick around.

*waves*

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?


A carrot.

god will punish you for that, hinge

Ah--the Irish are so logical!

The Irish Millionaire .
Mick, from Dublin,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question..... will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...... It's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!

Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

A Higgs Bosun particle walks into a Catholic Church. 'Thank God you've arrived,' says the priest. 'Without you we can't have mass.'

LMAO good one

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls on him?







You walk him and pitch to the Rhino