Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

I don't think that dog's so shaggy.

Here's a really bad, that is to say macho, joke:

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a resp onse, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.

This reminds me of a short story on tv some years ago. Brit film, if I remember. Guy sitting down in a restaurant in Paris on a rainy night. Alec Guiness might have been the guy. Or not. Good actor anyway. A probable Graham Green story. Alas, I've never found it online and I've noodled on this on a2k before.

Off the top of my head, the only film that I can think of with Alex Guinness and Paris is The Lavender Hill Mob. Unless you're thinking of Star Wars, a lot of people get Paris and Tatooine mixed up, what with the freakish bug-eyed monsters and all.

I wonder if the guy might have sent an addendum to the gal, saying "two inches maybe."

I wonder if the guy might have sent an addendum to the gal, saying "two inches maybe."

Izzy, what have you got against us bugged-eyes monsters?

Izzy, what have you got against us bugged-eyes monsters?
I take that back: bugged-eyed persons.

I never said I had anything against freakish bug-eyed monsters, I quite like France.

you eat cheese, I suppose?

Yeah, but I'm not that far from Cheddar.

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash - Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash!

The Wine Taster

At the Iniskillin Winery warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A homeless street person, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink.
The old ‘troller tried it and said, “It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”
“That's correct,” said the boss.
“Another glass, please.”
“It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Absolutely correct. A third glass.”
He calmly said, “It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive.”
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The contoller tried it. “It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father.”

That's one I might remember on some social occasions... well, not all the wording, just that I'll remember the joke in general.

I do remember my first and only formal wine tasting. It was held in a boardroom type place high up on some tower in the Los Angeles downtown area with serious people, very serious, wearing business suits, men and women. Smelling, sipping, spitting, followed by murmuring and note writing.

I failed right off the bat since I can't smell worth a damn (anosmia) and even back in the early seventies I refused to pretend I do. Polite group, though: not one of them glared at me, too cool for that.

I can tell great wine from plonk and in between. Can't describe all the "notes" to save my life.



If I was in that room again today, at my age and with my present straightforwardness, I'd just explain my anosmia, and then I bet I'd be the center of curiosity about my ability to taste. I was shyer then than now. . .

(I might have to copy and paste this joke to a file so I can find it again)

DRUNKS HAVE THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOUR.

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put
your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'




'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing...'

***

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 83 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

I'd use that one myself, but people never know when I'm joking.

What does it mean when a banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

What do you call a banjo player buried up to his neck in sand?
A good start.

Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender brings it over to him and sets it down.
"Say," the guy says to the bartender, "You want to hear a good banjo joke?"
The bartender reaches under the counter, pulls out a .44 magnum revolver and plunks it down on the bar, muzzle pointing to the guy.
"I play banjo," says the bartender.
"Y0u see that guy over there with the vest with biker colors on it? He plays banjo. That 6'8" 350 pound guy in the corner picking his teeth with that 15" Bowie knife? He plays banjo too. You sure you want to tell a banjo joke."
The guy looks around and says, "Nah, I'll pass. I'd have to explain it three times."

How do you make a lasso?

You cut up three copies of the New York Times Business Section into pieces the size of a $20 bill, pile them up, place a genuine bill at each end and riffle them under her nose.

There is another way but it's a bit indecent.