Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women..."

***

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a resp onse, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.

Thank you

I thought you told it better the first time

Better the second time around...

Which part of a lady should never move when she is dancing?












Her bowels.

You're obviously not a Bible scholar spikie.

A Man and His Car

A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million.

The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered. Eager to play with his new toy, the
executive takes it for a spin.

At the first stop light, an young man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the young man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the young man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the young man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the young man on the Vespa.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the young man on the Vespa that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the young man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."

WELCOME to the forum, Dave!




David

This probably belongs in the geek and nerd humor thread, but I can't find it, so, if you've been following the recent news story about the possible (unconfirmed) discovery of subatomic particles that can move faster than the speed of light:

"I'm sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos here". A neutrino walks into a bar.

I hate going out drinking with my mate. Everytime he sees a pretty girl I've got to go over and ask her if he can buy her a drink.
'Oh how sweet, why doesn't he ask me himself? Is he really shy?
'No, he's really ******* lazy.'

Stop me if you heard this before...

I was grabbing some groceries at about 9pm last night - at the checkout I unloaded my tub of yogurt, my frozen meal for one, a banana, and a tin of tuna.

The cute cashier said 'You must be single.'

'How can you tell?' I said.

'Coz you're an ugly bastard.'

Every year, U.S. presidents get to deliver jokes at the White House Correspondent's dinner. The 2009 event fell on Mother's Day. President Obama made this joke about his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel:

"This is a tough holiday for Rahm Emanuel because he's not used to saying the word 'day' after 'mother.'"

Love it, Jack.

Me too, Andy.
None of my business, but did you guys ever meet back when you lived in the same general area?

'Fraid not, Osso.

Foul moth, eh?

I've had a drink, so I'm a bit more forthright than usual, but I would like to point out something. My gag is an original, I made it up, it's not something I was texted, or found on the internet.

I can tell you had a drink, izzy. talk72000 was talking about my post, not yours.

Kickycan once did an entire thread about posting when drunk.

Gustavratzenhofer often talked about when he had too much to drink:
http://able2know.org/topic/47142-1#post-1214003

An oldie from Lord Ellpus:

Man walks into a bar and orders a pint and a packet of peanuts.

He pays, takes the pint and downs it in one, puts the packet of peanuts on his head and walks out.

Barman looks quizzical.

Next night the same thing...puts the peanuts on his head and walks out.

Third night and the barman's waiting for him, curious as hell.

"Pint of beer and a packet of peanuts, please"

The barman pours the pint, goes to get the peanuts and finds they've sold out. He looks at the guy and says"We've only got cashews"

"OK" says the guy "They'll do"

He drinks the pint, puts the cashews on his head and goes to walk out.

"Wait a minute" says the barman "You have to tell me, as it's been driving me mad. Why have you put that packet of cashews on your head?"







"'Cos you've got no peanuts" says the man.