201
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
mags314772
 
  3  
Reply Tue 6 Sep, 2011 05:13 pm
@StinkyPete,
You are aptly named. You stink up every thread you post on.
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  8  
Reply Tue 6 Sep, 2011 05:18 pm
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house'
spikepipsqueak
 
  3  
Reply Tue 6 Sep, 2011 06:54 pm
@hingehead,
A Higgs-Boson walks into a church. *The priest looks it up and down before finally saying, "We don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here." *The Higgs-Boson gets a cocky smirk on its face and says, "But without me, how can you have mass?"
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Tue 6 Sep, 2011 08:13 pm
@spikepipsqueak,
Belongs in the geek humour thread Spike!
0 Replies
 
CowDoc
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Sep, 2011 03:30 pm
@spendius,
I originally heard it as "Joe" which later became "Joe's Bar and Grill - Albuquerque, New Mexico"
roger
 
  1  
Reply Wed 7 Sep, 2011 03:40 pm
@CowDoc,
Shorty's Bar and Grill, Chatattanooga, Tennessee.
0 Replies
 
vinsan
 
  2  
Reply Fri 9 Sep, 2011 07:47 am
Salesman rings the door bell. A little boy in his undies, opens the door with a smoking cigar in his mouth, holding a beer can in his right hand and a p*rnographic magazine in the left.

"Hey there! Are you parents home?", The salesman asks.
The boy takes the cigar off his mouth, sips from the can and says ....

"WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU THINK?"

Classic Very Happy
0 Replies
 
Region Philbis
 
  2  
Reply Fri 9 Sep, 2011 08:59 am

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is,
I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning
for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up..."

***
edgarblythe
 
  3  
Reply Fri 9 Sep, 2011 04:09 pm

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"
So, what's the matter?" he asks.


"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"
And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."
spikepipsqueak
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 05:22 pm
@edgarblythe,
This was on the NEWS this morning. Ya gotta love Aus.

(Irish accent)

"An Australian and an Irish rugby player walk into a bar and the Wallaby says ... actually, I don't care what he say, as long as they were his last words."
0 Replies
 
spendius
 
  1  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 05:26 pm
@Region Philbis,
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna send her a birfday card."
hamburgboy
 
  3  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 06:26 pm
@spendius,
Quote:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.


Shocked

hamburgboy
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 07:09 pm
@hamburgboy,
for " good measure " here is another joke :

Quote:
At a nursing home in Victoria, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even SEE my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we all can still drive!"


Razz
Dutchy
 
  3  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 07:23 pm
@hamburgboy,
LITTLE JOHNNY

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

hamburgboy
 
  1  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 07:40 pm
@Dutchy,
Quote:
Where the *bloody hell* is my bum washer??!! Ayyo rama! With all due respect to Rama, Vishnu, Shiva, Ayyappa, Ishwar Allah tere nam, I know You're sitting there with serene expressions thinking "don't take My name" but I really am missing my bum washer...
Context of rant: I am in USA. Amreeka. States. Recently dearly departed from beloved motherland. Perhaps I'm a tad tipsy, perhaps gastronomically satisfied, or perhaps just answering the random daily call. I waltz into the public restroom, nod appreciatively at the smooth chrome latch on the toilet door, the sparkling white tile work, and god-golly-gosh even the floors are dry. This is a toilet hand crafted in heaven I tell you. The porcelain winks at me and I obediently sit. The time has come, and I approach with trust; opening heart and sphincter to the world.

Upon completion of said project I reach back to the wall on my right, pat around for a bit, and encounter nothing but tile. Ah, everything is flipped here in Oosaa I think to myself, see they even drive on the right (alias wrong) side of the road. I reach backward to my left smiling at my own stupidity. Still nothing!

My hand expects to grasp a nozzle. With one smooth motion sling the flexible hose off the wall-hook and squeeze the familiar chrome contraption. A cool smooth jet of fresh water to do the needful in ridding me once and for all of my fecal sins. But all I get is cold white flat tile... Horrified, I whip my head around first left then right and all I see is the lonely toilet paper roll, like a thorn stuck in my side.

I feel so vulnerable, tender, violated, with my pants around my ankles, bony knees shivering in the night. Where the BLOODY HELL is my bum washer??!!!



from : http://samosapedia.com/
0 Replies
 
Lustig Andrei
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 09:04 pm
@Dutchy,
Yah, this Johnny boy's always in trouble.

There was the day in school when the teacher asked each of her students to tell about the saddest thing that happened to them personally. Little Susan described her grief when her pet parakeet had passed on to the great big golden cage in the sky. Little Peter recounted how sad and horrifying it had been to see his dog Rover run over by a car. When it was Johnny's turn, he sad: "Well, my big brother Mike was in the war and he was shot right up the arse."

Teacher horrified. Says,"Johnny, you should never use that word in class. Say 'rectum' instead."

Kohnny: "Wreched 'im? Fu*k, it killed 'im."
0 Replies
 
Diane
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 09:50 pm
I just heard a good one that men might not appreciate, but women of a certain age will smile, or grimace, in recognition.

A woman was talking to friends about a joke she had recently heard. She said, "I laughed and laughed until I could feel the tears running down my legs."
Lustig Andrei
 
  1  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 09:55 pm
@Diane,
Most married men of a certain age will certainly get that joke, Diane.
Diane
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 10:22 pm
@Lustig Andrei,
Oh. Hi seaglass.....
0 Replies
 
Walter Hinteler
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 10:58 pm
@Lustig Andrei,
A woman above 40 looks in the mirror after she left the bathtub. Says: that serves him right.
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

Oddities and Humor - Discussion by edgarblythe
Let's play "Caption the Photo" II - Discussion by gustavratzenhofer
JIM NABORS WAS GOY? - Question by farmerman
Funny Pictures ***Slow Loading*** - Discussion by JerryR
Caption The Cartoon - Discussion by panzade
Geek and Nerd Humor - Discussion by Robert Gentel
Caption The Cartoon Part Deux - Discussion by panzade
IS IT OK FOR ME TO CHEAT? - Question by Setanta
2008 Election: Political Humor - Discussion by Robert Gentel
 
Copyright © 2021 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.07 seconds on 05/14/2021 at 04:38:12