I agree with it being the worst telling - lol
Two Canadians are sitting in a bar totally bored. They
decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian tries to
think of a word and after a little pondering come up with
the word---moosecock.
The second Canadian tries his first question, "Is it
something good to eat?"
The first guy thinks a moment then laughs and replies,
"Sure, I suppose you could eat it."
The second Canadian says, "Is it a moosecock?"
A canadian joke - I've heard Newfie jokes but not a canadian joke.
Why do Newfies support Quebec's secession?
They think it will shorten the drive to Vancouver.
A man in Newfoundland calls his son in Calgary two days before Christmas and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about it so you call your sister in Vancouver and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay," he says, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way...................."
Let;s give the Canajuns a rest.
A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one
day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the
stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the
danger he shouted over to the man, "Paid a yfed y dwr!
Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's poisoned!)
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand
to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried
on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer
moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi!
Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned.
Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.
Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream
and once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's
poisoned. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a
word you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the
stream in a extremely fine British accent.
"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use
both hands you can get plenty more in."
Tsk tsk Tai Chi and Merry - those were too good. Here's a baddie for you:
This guy wanted to get into a night club with a few friends. Unfortunately the dress code stated that without a tie he couldn't get in.
His friends didn't have a spare necktie between them but one of them said, 'Hey,I've got an idea. I have a set of jumper cables in the back of my car. Tie them round your neck, tuck in the ends and you should pass by the doormen.
On re-entering the club, one bouncer was suspicious of his neckwear. On inspection, he relented as long as the guy behaved ... and didn't start anything!
groan.
Tiger Woods.
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
obviously knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing supreme is :
"Top of the mornin' to yer sor," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
'What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fooking Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"
I got a big charge out of your joke, Mame.
Two nuns are driving a convertible through the back streets of LA one night when Count Dracula appears on the hood.
'My god, a vampire! Show him your cross!' says one.
'Ok,' replies the other 'HEY A55HOLE! GET OFF MY FECKING CAR!!'
A penguin is driving along and his car breaks down. He's close enough to a garage where he is able to push it in and the mechanic tells him he will look at it, but not for at least an hour.
"Ok", says the penguin, "I'll stop back in an hour."
The penguin walked around while he was waiting for the car repairs and stopped in at a book store and on the way back to the garage he picked up a vanilla ice cream cone.
He finished the cone and went back to the garage.
The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin replies, "No... that's ice cream."
Oh my, Gus. Johnboy told that exact same joke a couple of years ago (in a much longer version) and was severely criticised on A2K for being crude and lewd.
Perhaps the times have changed, or perhaps you can get away with telling that while the gentleman from Virginia cannot because it is okay coming from you there in the swamp. -johnnyboy-
By my standards, that joke is tame, Johnnyboy, and the members will accept it without hesitation or question.
I think its disgusting and Will report it verbatum to my 18 year old daughter who is the most moral of all moral linguistics. I'm sure she will say blowing a seal shows very poor taste.
Well i was wrong! she said seal tastes OK
Apparently Baby Harp is the tastiest, especially if tenderized first....
Dad, you are a very bad influence!
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old a$$?"
"Oh sorry, Your name never came up," she replied.
hingehead wrote:Apparently Baby Harp is the tastiest, especially if tenderized first....
Dad, you are a very bad influence!
What!?!
The last time she went clubbing..........
A wife is examining her figure in the bedroom mirror and says 'I've been thinking about breast enhancement surgery.'
The husband says 'You don't need expensive surgery.'
'Why not?'
'All you need to do is a couple of times a day rub toilet paper in a circular motion between your breasts and they'll double in size.'
'You really think that will work?'
'Why not? It worked with your ass.'
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean stepmother, I mean stepladder....
