Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

OMG, I laughed out loud.

Thanks,

Children Writing About the Ocean...

The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.



1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

The Dead Parrot




At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."


"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"


"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot is dead".


"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"


"Si, Señor, that's the one."


"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"


"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod."


"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"


"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."


"Dead horse? What dead horse?"


"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."


"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"


"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."


"Are you insane? What water cart?"


"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."


"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"


"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."


"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"


"Yes, Señor Rod."


"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"


"For the funeral, Señor Rod."


"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!"


"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Ultimate Muzzle loader Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Special with the custom Exhibition Grade Stock.


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.


"Ernesto, if you scratched that gun, you're in deep ****."

David's favorite joke... or at least I assume it just might be his favorite joke of all time.

Have you heard about the guy who accidentally combined Rogaine and Viagara?

Now he can't keep his hair from sticking up.

That reminds me of a bad joke that did the rounds when I was a teenager:

Why are pubes curly?

So they don't poke your eyes out.

So a dad says to his son if u masterbate to much u go blind and the kid said dad I'm over here

Italian boy goes to confession:
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration.

‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.

But you’ve sinned and have to atone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew,

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

Doctor Doctor, I think I'm Twitter!

I'm sorry I don't follow you.

Which goes to show how tolerant, understanding and useful the Catholic Church is.

Couldn't agree more

<sigh>

With resignation or exhausted frustration? Or was it as good as what a post coital bliss sigh looks and sounds like George. They usually cost money so it's quite a feat to produce one for next to nothing. I do hope it was one of those.

With the resignation or exhausted frustration sighs one feels one has not done one's duty.

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.



On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.





While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"



"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.





On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.



When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"



"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"


Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"



"Oh my goodness no," said the woman."I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"


Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.



He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"





"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.





The gentleman couldn't believe his ears and did a fast

u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.





The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.





He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?





He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"





The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them,"You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.."

A 70yr old man was
f**king furiously,
taking support
of a fence.
Wife: U didn't f**k me like this
even 40yrs ago!
Man:THIS FENCE WASN'T ELECTRFIED
AT THAT TIME!

(cmon you did not expect a clean joke from me, did ya?)

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium called the medical elements?







Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium.

It might be too clever for this thread Prince.

Effects of the USA RECESSION


The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Now, THOSE are too good for this thread

One effect you missed Dutch was that the recession has inspired some gallows humour.

And the rapid increase in the number of men reporting sexual assaults in the work station.