Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Not a pizza with everything. Make him "one with everything".

A priest booked into a hotel and said: "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

The girl behind the desk said: "No, it's just normal porn you sick bastard"!

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down...you'll just have to be a little patient."

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4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

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5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

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8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Mitt Romney, Republican presidential candidate and really horrible joke teller.
http://www.slate.com/blogs/blogs/weigel/archive/2011/06/14/mitt-romney-vs-diners.aspx

Groooaan

My little boy spoke to his granddad last week and asked him to make a sound like a frog.
"Why?" asked my father-in-law.
"Coz daddy said when you croak, we're going to Florida."

An elderly couple had been going out with each other for a long time

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances,
living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

'Is that one word or two?'

***

So there's this old English guy, I think his name was Spendius, who really didn't have much of a social life at all. He'd go to work and come home and sit in front of the telly for hours and go to sleep and wake up and go to work and come home and go to the pub and sit in the corner all evening by himself nursing a pint and stagger home and go to sleep and get up and go to work. No friends, no crack, no fun.
So one day, he decides he's gonna change. Things will be different. He needs a companion, a buddy.

But he doesn't know anybody. So he thinks, aha, a pet, that'll be somebody to talk to. So he goes to the pet shop, and tells the owner he needs a pet to talk with, and the owner sells him a dead parrot. No, sorry, wrong joke. The owner takes out this little matchbox and tells him, " 'Ere, mate, this is just what you need".

Spendius is dubious, "In that little box? What is it then?"
"It's a millipede. it is."
"A millipede? You're 'aving me on."
"No, no, it is a millipede, but not just any millipede. This millipede talks. I've had many the great conversation with it."

"Oh, all right then", says Spendius and pays the outrageous price the guy asks and takes the millipede's match box home.

That night he watches tv for a couple hours, feels dry, stands up, opens the matchbox and asks, "Feel like going down the pub for a quick pint?"
The millipede doesn't say anything.
Spendius' enthusiasm is a bit deflated, but he figures it's a big change for the millipede and it'll take it a while to adjust, so he's off to the pub alone, has his pint, and staggers home to sleep.

Next night, same thing, "Feel like a pint?" No answer from the millipede. Spendi off to the pub for his pint.

Third night. Spendi's beginning to feel maybe, just maybe, the pet shop owner was gaming him. If he doesn't get an answer tonight, tomorrow it's off to the pet shot to ask, nay, DEMAND his money back. "Feel like a quick trot to the pub for a pint?"

" 'Ang on, can't you, give a chap a chance," says the millipede, "I'm putting on me boots."

‎"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then
I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and
asked Him to forgive me."
-- Emo Phillips

There are two fish in a tank, one says to other 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her infidelity that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the
front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to
be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of
the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button
at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

Cycloptichorn

A history teacher asks a class full of kids
'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

Just reading from Aesop's fables, and found this absurd:

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling particle.

That must be Hawkeye's favorite punchline Cycloptichorn.

I cut and paste this from an email a friend sent and I've only just realised it should be 'dangling participle'.

And I think you had it right the first time. Not all them dangly bits are all that big.

So I was walking through the cemetery this morning, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.

"Morning," I said to him.

The guy replied, "Nope, just takin' a ****..."

***

This may be too good for this thread, but here goes:

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her."You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."



With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection."What are you doing here?" asked the captain."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." I see"the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."



"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."

Respectfully submitted,
JLN