Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Quote of the day: "In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better." -- Ellen DeGeneres

The Sick Restaurant

Today I am very tired of work. I've been working for ten years and I
have never taken a sick day off. So today I have decided to get
very sick. For this, I know just the right place to go : The Sick
Restaurant.
Just at the corner of Rats and Cockroach avenues ,its just a few a
blocks away. I get all dressed up with my jeans full of holes ,a
stained T-shirt ,old sandals and head off to the place.
Its an old building with broken windows patched with rotten wood
boards. The windows sills have been the host of many birds over the
years, the bricks are as dirty as can be. I open the squeaky door ,
rats ,mice and bats scatter away. The floor is covered with filth
and crawling insects. The chairs and tables are stained with old
food particles and the smell is horrid. The walls are covered with
molds of all colors.
" Waiter, please" I called out.
A short and fat man appears out of what seems to be the kitchen,
his apron covered with dried blood stains and a maze of other colors
of filth of all kinds.
"Yes, my courageous man, what can I serve you today" he said.
" Could I have the menu, please?" I asked politely.
" We have no menu" he said" but we have a special today. For $24.99
you get one pound of Sushi laced with genetically modified giant
tapeworm eggs, resistant to pharmaceuticals, an omelet laced with
Salmonella and E.Coli bacteria resistant to most antibiotics and a
whole can of beans marinated in botulism sauce. Drinks are
extra ,except sewage water is free. All drinks are made of our
unique toilet water.
" Sounds great" I replied ,"I'll take it".
So I sat down, expecting a long wait, the platter arrived within 2
minutes.
" Wow, that was quick !"I told him.
" Well, these dishes are prepared weeks in advance and are left at
room temperature for added flavour and effect" he said with a proud
grin.
I thanked him and ate the whole platter without leaving a trace of
food in my plate. From the taste I was sure to be sick as
expected, I thought.
I left a 5$ tip on the table and ran home as quickly as possible.
Next morning I got up to go to work and I was fine. I was not sick !
" What's wrong with me " I thought. " I should be dead sick by now".
Furious I went back to The Sick Restaurant.
" I am not sick, whats wrong with your food, I want my money back!"
I said with an upset voice.
" Sorry sir, we do not refund food, there is no garantee you will be
sick. However, for super resistant folks like you, we offer a free
$10 gift certificate for Joe's Torture Chambers, just across the
street." he said.
" Okay, this better work" I replied. So I took the certificate and
headed off to Joes Torture Chambers.
The building was just as scary as the restaurant. I opened the door
and walked in. The door gave onto a staircase going down to a dark,
spidery cellar. I descended the stairs and half way, a stair board
pop up and propelled me down the stairs which were covered with broken glass and shreds of sharp metal objects. I almost lost conciousness and
landed in muddy waters infested with disease and insects. My wounds
being in contact with this mud , I was sure to get sick . " Great" I
thought. I crawled up the stairs, and was able to stand up and walk
back home and go to bed.
Next day , I woke up and to my dismay and disbelief, all my wounds
were healed and I was feeling great.
"No! No! Whats wrong with me,why I can't I get sick, I 'm so
frustrated. I feel depressed! I cant stand it anymore! I think I'm
going nuts. One more day at this work place and I'l go insane" I
thought.
So I went to work and when I came back home at night , I was fine
and feeling great. That was it, I finally solved my problem !
Hooray! Yessssss!

That's a Protestant "work-ethic" morality homily I would think.

A man sees a sign: "Talking dog, $25." He visits the owner out of curiosity and finds that he is indeed selling a talking dog. The dog tells his story of being a talking dog and having great adventures because of this unique skill, including exciting tales of working for the government in secret spy operations as no one would suspect a dog could relay what it witnesses. He also told of meeting a lovely girl dog who couldn't talk but could mate and have lovely puppies, and so they settled down together in a happy life until she died in a tragic accident and all the babies were given away.

The man stood aghast and finally asked the owner, "This is amazing. Why on earth would you sell this dog?"

The owner said, "because he's a liar! He didn't do any of that stuff!"

A man comes to doctor, and says: "I am addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies: "I am sorry, I don't follow you".

I don't get it tho - why would a waitress in a French cafe talk to Sartre in English?

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosours; the tallest ones, anyway.

……….so Jack and Jill had no other choice but to jump off the cliff.

Bad Investing example number 4,590,466:

Albert failed his 9th grade but his father found him a job at age 28 in the company he works because he is a friend of the boss. He earns gross $34,899.05 per year. Albert found the cutest and sexiest girl friend around by lying and boasting and made her pregnant only weeks after they met. So they got married. Albert was able to buy a $400,000 home in the rich district thanks to a low interest loan he obtained from a bank that didn’t check out the false information he gave them. A few months after he was married, Albert fell in love with the next door neighbour girl. To impress her, he borrowed $60,000 from the same bank to buy a used sports car. He made her pregnant as well. One day he was at the airport and got an erection while waiting for the security check. There was a sexy girl in front of him. The security inspectors thought he had a gun there so they had him strip. He lost control and punched one of them. He was put in jail for 3 months. Meanwhile he lost his job and his wife left him. The bank seized the house and the car. Poor Albert.

Bad Investing Example number 4,590,467:

Martha found this bag of stolen money and decided to buy a house in Madagascar……….

(email I received)

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more
than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.


Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.


Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these just won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.


I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...
it's a new troll'n motor

New Political Party
A new political party has emerged, the Party of Improved Management
and Productivity, or abbreviated the P.I.M.P.. The goal of this new
political party is to improve taxation in this country so that it is
fair and just for all people. It aims a taxing people based on the
actual pleasure and pain they experience during the taxation year.
To do this, all people will wear a compulsory collar which will
detect pleasure and pain brainwaves . At the end of the year the
rate% of income taxation shall depend on the total pleasure or pain
experienced during the year as recorded by the collar. In this way,
a base taxation level of 25% on all income, shall be increased up to
45% or decreased down to 5% depending on the collar readings.
Therefore, if you experienced no pleasure and no pain during the
year ,you would only pay 25% tax. This way, rich or poor, hard
working people, sick people will pay less income tax, while lazy,
healthy, drug and sex consuming people will pay more. This way
productivity shall improve at all levels and so the more you suffer,
the more money you make. However, the state shall strive to improve
the pleasure of its people; more vacations, better health systems
and working conditions so that is sustains a high level of
taxation. So in the next election, vote for the P.I.M.P. !

Could be, but I think it is mostly a pseudo-intellectualism.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise




I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

But I would try to work 8 hour shifts if it was required.

Everybody falls asleep when the job is done.

I only visit other locations at the management's request.

I took the initiative when I bought the drinks.

The workplace is only "messy" to a rather genteel sensibility as Brantome's The Lives of Gallant Ladies demonstrates.

Safety regulations are my highest priority.

Mr Berlusyoni has recently proved that 65 is a mere way-station to higher things.

Only ratebusters do double shifts.

I only leave the designated work area before completing the assigned task in emergencies.

My suspicious looking bags are the only reason you lot are not kept in cages.

P. Niss.

Yul505ab is new on Able2know and humbly has this question:
Who am I?
He answers:
I am God and nothing at all, created from dust and ashes I will return, not knowing that this dust was gold and diamonds. What is your opinion?

Clamhead3 ( fictitious Able2Know member) replies:

You f***** jerk, WTF are you saying you dimwit jackass idiot. Can’t you bring something interesting to this discussion, or do have ta shoot ya to get ya out a here. You sic matherfrickin beastldor fir van garf barf bozo fipgarsh! Hate ya!

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.


'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

'Hmmm' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

#$%^%#%^%%#^*&&

Edgarblythe wrote:
"#$%^%#%^%%#^*&& "

The old version of the Humpty Dumpty story was as follows:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Todays more modern, more detailed version is as follows

Humpty Dumpty was a rock star with a big dick,
A bunch of wild girls were chasing him so he climbed up a wall,
He sat on the wall because gard dogs were barking on the other side,
The wild girls gathered at the wall and started stripping,
Humpty had an erection, lost balance and fell forward,
The girls caught him, ripped his clothes off and dismembered him,
The surgeon's at Kings Hospital couldn't put it back on.

That is completely stupid. This thread is about bad jokes, not stupid inanities.