Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

YES!

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, 'Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's cc there.'

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, 'Betty, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Betty, Betty.'

'Who is it', asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Betty -- it's me, Bertha.'

'You're not Bertha. Bertha just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Bertha,' insisted the voice.

'Bertha! Where are you?'

'In heaven,' replied Bertha. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Betty.

'The good news,' Bertha said, 'is that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Betty. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to

a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic

zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of

traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as

panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the

other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his

coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.

A passerby, having

observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says

to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a

cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Dammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now...!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer
and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls..."

***

Tom and his wife were home watching TV.

He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Annoyed, she finally said,

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish..."

***

Your mum is so fat when she jumped for joy.....she got stuck

I was hanging out at a friend's of mine and he had a huge gong in his living room. I was asking what that was for and he said it's a talking clock. I said no way and he beat the gong. Somebody from upstairs yelled "It's ******* 3am you bastard!"

Not a joke, but rather a bit of a story. My last pet was Ching the Wonder Dog. She was very, very smart. I did this trick with her when folks were at the house. She would want to go outside at say 11:30 at night. I would pick her up and face the antique clock on the mantle. I would tap it. She would look at it and then at me as I said "Ching, you can go out but I want you back here in 15 minutes."
Always, at 11:45 there would be a scratch at the door.
I, of course, knew her routine. She would do her business and also make sure the squirrels were in the trees and there were no cats or deer on the property.

These are clever childrens' saying. I especially like #9. the Funeral.

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

DEAR GOD,

MY PRAYER FOR 2011 IS FOR A FAT
BANK ACCOUNT AND A THIN BODY.
PLEASE DON'T MIX THEM UP
LIKE YOU DID LAST YEAR...

AMEN

Romance Novel

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow
and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly
shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and
spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong,
calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and
moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My
breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid,
but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced,
so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight
shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I
inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,knowing what he
wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them
down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly
trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man
used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'no'
for an answer. A man who would tell me what he
wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ....

"Okay, ma'am, all done. You can board your flight now."

I nearly fell off my chair.

Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He said to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replied in trial english, "I'm sorry, monsieur, we're not have ze cream. How about ze no milk?"

***********************

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

************************

Dear Doctor Rude,
I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the difference between the following kisses?
Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss
Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida

--------------------

Dear Flummoxed,
That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss
dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss
the important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarily also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Godelian kiss
a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Socratic kiss
really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.

Kantian kiss
a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss
a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss
a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.

Pythagorean kiss
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and copy them.

Cartesian kiss
a particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss
a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.

Nietzscheian kiss
"she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."

Zenoian kiss
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.

- Doctor Rude
***************

Test

Q 1. Define AI. (3 marks)

Ans.

When a blonde dyes her hair brunette its called Artifical Intelligence. Although a few years back, a stripper in my neigborhood defined AI as Alternate Income. She is our town Mayor now. Does that mean my town is full of people who believe in AI? Doe this also indicate that Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity?


****************

A man is driving down the Schuylkill Expressway (pronounced “Sure-kill”, but that’s its own joke) — a man is driving down the Schuylkill Expressway, and traffic is worse than ever. People honking, flashing their lights at him, the works.

He turns on KYW news radio for a traffic report. The radio blares, “NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! There’s a maniac driving the wrong way down the Schuylkill Expressway!”

The man looks around and exclaims, “My God, there’s a lot of them!”

****************

Great philosophy jokes, vinsan.



In real life, Kant was once engaged to be married. He broke the engagement, reasoning that the only purpose of marriage is to give two individuals legal sanction to molest each other.

Lucky woman.

True. I was born in Germany and all of my relatives are German. I can tell you that Kant had a typical German way of thinking.

The story of Henry O'Henry.

After my old man passed away, he left me is home and all the things
in it. One day I went up into the attick and found an old chest
covered with dust.
I opened it and found a whole lot of interesting things. Amongst them
was a book entiltled :" Henry O'Henry, the Sherif Without a Gun". I
decided to read this book and here is the story:
Henry grew up in the little town of Beano, New Mexico in the early
1800's. His parents were poor. Thew owned a small bean farm and his
father was a blacksmith.
Poor little Henry was fed always the same thing at every meal during all of his
childhood . He was fed mashed beans with metal filings. His father
thought the metal would make him stronger. And so it did. Henry grew
up with a big belly. Needless to say, he tended to be smelly as well.
Kids in his neighborhood made fun of him and nicknamed him
smelly-belly. Well Henry did not like that at all and defended himself
by turning around and shooting hard pellets from his butt. At first,
the pellets caused little harm, but has he grew up the pellets became
harder and the shooting power much stronger and precise. By age 18 he
was master of his fart ( or should I say, of his art). He always wore
a one piece pyjama with a hole on his butt and little flap to hide
his skin. One day , some mean bullies from out of town came in and
tried to push him around. Well, he challenged one of the strangers for
a gun fight. So they stood in front of each other, but Henry had no
gun! As the stranger pulled out his gun, Henry turned around swiftly
and fired a poop pellet that penetrated the stranger's skull right
between the eyes, in a flash. The stranger fell dead on the ground. So
the people in the town coaxed him into becoming their Sherif and he
fullfulled his duties flawlessly for the rest of his life. He died in
1885. What an interesting story ! However I could never find the
little town of Beano, New Mexico on any map, old or new!

This happened about a month ago just outside of Douglas, a little town in the back country of North Dakota. It sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a snow storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was snowing so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost like in the snow. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine .

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.
Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Garrison. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the snow.'