Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

omg....that's more wishful thinking than a joke, George

(how are you by the way?)

I'm well. In Washington now spending a pleasant weekend with my sons & families after an exhausting week of train rides, business meetings & dinners here and in New York. Looking forward to a restful Christmas at home. I hope you are well & happy and wish you a very happy Christmas. (By the way I first heard that joke several years ago from David Gergen.)

We're well and happy, looking forward to some quiet times around Christmas. Have a good trip back to CA, George, and have a great Christmas as well.

Olie and Inkeberg had been married for some time. One evening Olie was helping Inkeberg clean up in the kitchen after dinner, and as the amply endowed Inkeberg bent over the sink Olie pinched her tit and said "if that worked we wouldn't need the cow". Inkeberg reached down and grabbed Olie in the crotch and said "If that worked we wouldn't need your brudder".

Haha...

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at five

A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads.
When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered that it

was elephant powder.
The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants

in France!" to which he answered beaming

"I guess it must be working then!"

*****************************

Q: What is big, gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: An elephant.
Q: What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on vacation.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: No they are plums;
Q: Is Jane color blind?
A: Of course you fool.

*******************************

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular

procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.

After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the

table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly

disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't

believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied,

"Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can stuff another hard roll in it!"

*********************************

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off

and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the

elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it

and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing." The

mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with

her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "Thats my mistake son. I have spoiled your mother..."

**************************************

Getting anything done around the UN Office is like mating with the elephants.
It has to be done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.

**************************************

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book

on elephants.
The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the

British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal

Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to

the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the

Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than

People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the

Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet

Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants

but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead."

**************************************

A Texan elephant couple had big trunks which came in their way of kissing. So the female elephant decided to board Delta Airlines all the way to New York.

With the courtesy of Delta Airlines they both can now kiss properly....

Reason? Coz their trunks got sent to Alaska.

And the Polish response?

The Elephant and the Polish Question.

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?

Chick to chick.

Picky picky. He knew her favourite kind of flour, that's more than what most husband would know...

I guess the Hungarian response would then be a stern volume titled "The Trianon Treaty and The Decline of the Elephant"

It has been snowing heavily for three days now. My wife has done nothing but stare through the window.

If she doesn't stop soon, I’ll probably have to let her in.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now..."

***

Darth Vader: I know what you're getting for Christmas Luke.

Luke Skywaker: No you don't.

Darth Vader: Yes I do Luke.

Luke Skywalker: How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas?

Darth Vader: I felt your presents.

Reminds of this oldie.

Monica Lewinsky goes to the drycleaner and ask the guy at the counter "Can you get the stains out of this dress?"

He doubletakes, "Come again?"

"No, it's just melted ice cream."

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Ok, you made me laugh.

Kara, so good to see you and your shared wit, or dim wit, as the case may be.

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.


Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
He offered these kind words, "It's OK. My grandpa does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news: I had successfully found my way home.