Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

This is an important cautionary tale more then a joke for men.

Q. Why didn't the sailors play cards?

A. Because the captain was sitting on the deck.

Knock Knock.

- Who's there?

9/11

- 9/11 Who?

YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER FORGET!

Oh, that's funny. Could also use

The War of Northern Aggression,

but would only work with Southerners, who are tasked to: "Forget, HELL!"

The answer to the question: What is Celibacy ?



Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.Quite a few years ago while attending a Marriage
Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, Gentlemen: How well do you know
your partner ? Can you, for instance, name and describe your
wife's favorite flower?

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
Robin Hood -All-Purpose, isn't it?


And thus began my life of celibacy.........

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."

I almost became a nun. Celibacy that I took it as back then, and celibacy I see now with my sardonic views, differ.

Ha! my experience on similar lines..

My wife luvs Bollywood star Hrithik Roshan and, well, fancie(d/s) him.

One day there was a Husband Wife Compatibility test during a family get together and we participated. One of the question was "Who's your partner's favorite Movie Star"

I said "Hrithik Roshan"

we scored zero points.

Reason .... she had recently watched Twilight.
...
...
...
...

Robert Pattinson... I hate you....
we now officially have "moderate" compatibility as husband and wife.

hahahaha

A Jehova's Witness knocks on a door. The lady invites him in and makes him a cup of tea and sits him down by the fire. "Now--what do you wish to talk about?"

He says--" I've no idea, I never got this far before."

good one

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

'The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo Bad!







But the realy funny thing is, it wasn't green.

An orange and a lemon walk into a bar.

The lemon turns to the orange and says, "Your round".

Sven and Olie are out hunting and they get lost. Sven says, "I hear if you get lost, you should fire three times in the air as a signal you need help." They try it and wait, and no one comes. They try again and wait, and no one comes. Finally, Olie says, "I hope help comes soon. We're almost out of arrows."

---

Another time, Sven was out hunting on his own, and he came across a woman sunbathing in the nude on a rock. He asked her, "Are you game?" She thought about it a moment and said, "Sure, I'm game." So he shot her.

---

Another time, Sven and Olie were out hunting and they came across some tracks. Sven thought they were bear tracks. Olie thought they were deer tracks. While they were arguing, the train hit them.

---

Sven and Olie decided to try fishing instead of hunting. They rented a boat and went out on the lake, and they found a perfect spot and were having tremendous success. Sven says, "We should mark this place somehow, so next time we go fishing, we can find it again." Olie says, "I know, I will paint a big 'X' on the side of the boat right here." Sven say, "You idiot! That won't work! What if next time we don't get the same boat?"

---

Two drums and a cymbal roll off a cliff. Ba-dum! Crash!

I am translating here, so bear with me...

Ferdinand Porsche died and knocks on the gates to heaven.
St. Peter opens and said: "Ferdinand, because of your tremendous
contribution to the automobile industry you deserve credit where
credit is due and I will grant you one wish."
"Okay" Porsche said "I'd like to speak to God for an hour"

St. Peter brings him to God and introduces him. Ferdinand asks
"Dear God, when you created women where the hell was your mind?"

God: "What are you talking about, Porsche?"

Porsche said: "Well, your creation is full of mistakes.
1. The front is not aerodynamically designed
2. The sound level is way too high
3. 5 to 6 days per month she's out of order
4. There is an constant upkeep in styling and lacquer
5. The headlights are too small
6. The milage is too high and the maintenance
cost are in no relation to its actual usage

God thought about it for a while and then he replied: " Ferdinand,
Ferdinand, you might be right, but according to all statistics
men use my model far more often than yours.".

Ferdinand replied "That's because nobody reads the fine print".

The models of God had nice soft cushion exterior exterior in soft beige colour; Porshe's had a hard metallic finish.

Bill Clinton died and went to hell. He was met there at the gates by the Devil himself, who explained that, though this is indeed hell, they had a few accomodations especially configured for people who occupied prominent positions in life. They are all currently occupied, but he (the Devil) would evict the current occupant and make whichever of them Clinton preferred available to him.

"That sounds good," said an expectant Clinton, "Lets check them out".

The Devil opened the first door, and there tied to a pillar was Richard Nixon, while a hundred tiny devils pelted him with burning coals. "Not this one said Bill". "OK we have others said the Devil"

The Devil opened the second door and there was Henry Kissinger up to his neck in liquid garbage and excrement while devils in boats swirled around splashing him with it. "Not this one either", said Bill. "OK but you must pick one", said the Devil with a trace of irritation.

The Devil opened the third door and there was Kenneth Starr tied to a pole and kneeling before him was Monica Lewinski engaged in a familiar (to Bill) activity. "I'll take this one", said Bill, delighted.

"OK" said the Devil ... " Monica, you can leave now."