Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Grand dad was slick..

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...



"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown.

Does this taste funny to you.

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

A: Robin, get in the car.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire.

Frostbite.

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

Little Mexican kid (having read about Pancho Villa in his history/civics class):

"Gran-pappito, deed you eevar geet to meet Pancho VILLA, who was the worstest bandito in all of Mexico?"

Old man sitting on rocker on varenda:

"You know, dat question takes me back... I was about feefteen years old an I was walkin across de desert weef de two leetle burritos all loaded weef corn to sell de corn at de market, an come a beeg clouda dust an up come Pancho Villa an about feefteen or twentya hees banditos, an he gotta beeg beer belly an bullet belts goin across de beer belly boof ways ana beeg ceegar een hees mouf, an he pull outta peestol an point de peestol at one-a-da leedle burritos, an say: 'Hookay burro, SHEET!!', an de leetle burro was plenty scared so he sheet hisself, an dan he point de peestol at me an he say: 'Hookay, peone, now YOU gonna EEEET de burro sheet!' an he laf plenty hard...

"CARAMBA, gran-pappito, what deed you do?"

"I was plenty scared, so I eet de burro s**t, taste plenty bad, an den a beeg gust of wind come up an blow de sand in Pancho Villa's face so he canna see, an he drop de peestol, an I grab de peestol an point de peestol at Pancho Villa's horse, an say: 'Hokay, horse, SHEEET!' an he do dat, an den I point de peestol at Pancho Villa an say: 'Hokay meester beeg shot bandito, now you gonna EEEEET de horse sheet, an I mean every bite, an not leev nottin left over!!', an Pancho Villa was plenty scared so he do jus dat, an de odder banditos laff plenty hard...

An so my leedle fren, you ask me eef I eevar geet to meet Pancho VILLA, who was the worstest bandito in all of Mexico? WHY, we had LUNCH togeddar!!!!!"

Priest: You know, a lot of prospective brides ask me these days, "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I tend to reply by telling them a little story about the first time I was asked that question.

It was a couple of years ago, a young attractive bride to be came up to me after the service and asked me just that question. "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" And I replied, "Well, you know, Joanne, I'd like to tell you, but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!" And so, she showed me.

And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question "Father, what is the church's attitude towards fellatio?" I always reply, "Well, you know, I'd like to tell you... but unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is!"

Courtesy Rowan Atkinson

Excellent!

The best kind of blasphemy! The funny kind!

Little John:

Dad, I've homework to do. Can I ask you a question?

Dad: Yes, son, what's the question?

LJ: What's politics?

Dad: Well, politics involve people, economic power, government, working class, the future of this country.

LJ: I don't get it, Dad. Can you give an example?

Dad:

- Let's say,as I earn a revenue for our household, I'm the economic power.
- As your mother deals with this revenue, buying stuff, paying bills, she is the government.
- As we provide for you, you are the people.
- Your baby brother is the future of this country.
- Our maid is the working class.

LJ: ok, Dad, I'm gonna think about it.

The following night, LJ was woke up by the baby brother crying. He went to see what was wrong and saw his brother with his diapers really soiled.
Then he went to tell the maid but, looking through the keyhole, found her busy in bed with his father.
He went then to his mother to find her profoundly asleep.
As none replied to him, he went to bed again and fell asleep.

Next morning he told his father:

Dad, I know what you meant by politics yesterday:

- While the economic power screws the working class, the government is deeply asleep, the people is totally ignored and the future of this country is in deep ****..

First off, excellent joke . Here's one for you.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one;
Micheal J Fox has a small one;
Madonna doesn't have one;
The Pope has one but doesn't use it;
Bill Clinton has one and uses it all the time;
What is it?


It's not a male reproductive organ you sick fucks.
It's a surname! Doesn't seem so hard now, does it?

Every week, without fail, the great physicist makes his way to a public house in in the university town where he lives. There, he always seats himself in the last seat save one, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The innkeeper, who is used to the occasional erratic and inexplicable behavior university types, always shrugs but holds his peace.

When Valentine's Day arrives, the physicist makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space. Curiosity gets the better of the innkeeper:

"I apologize for my foolish questions," says he, "but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The learned man replies,

"Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The innkeeper raises his eyebrows.

"Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know ... she might say yes."

"Right," replied the physicist bitterly, "I am a physicyst! How LIKELY do you think, THAT will happen?"

*****************

While driving through downtown Boise not long ago, a businessman from out of town was accompanied by a long-time resident. Observing the sights, the visitor spied a sign advertising the "Museum of Idaho Culture."

Remarking to his driving companion, he scoffed,

"Huh. That would take what ten minutes to see!!!"

His companion returned in cynicism, "Why on earth would you want visit it twice?"

****************

The big game was well underway. With the natural ups and downs of play, there was naturally some considerable anxiety as the teams battled for supremacy

At last the coach pulled one of his young players aside:

"Do you understand what cooperation is? "What a team is?"

The boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued in true Vince Lombardi style:

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a call is made, you don't argue or curse or attack the referee. "Do you understand all that?"

Again the boy agreed.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother ..."

******************

The woman answered her front door to find a plumber standing before her, looking much old, put-upon and disquieted, as tradesmen are frequently wont to do.

"I'm here to fix the broken pipe," he proclaimed.
"I didn't call a plumber."
"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Snyder's?"
The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago?"

"What?," muttered the plumber. "They calls you up and tells you it's an emergency, and just because you are late, they move away!!!"

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head

The other day I stopped at the traffic lights next to a tow truck - the driver was crying. I thought 'That guy is heading for a breakdown.'

I used to love 80's music, then the other day I heard Ultravox's 'Vienna' and I thought 'This means nothing to me.'

The statues joke, while still funny, appeared here a couple of years ago. No matter.

History thou't repeat thyself.

I don't understand the '\'