Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

I was going to say that, but kept my mouth shut for once...

A milkman is intrigued with the new milking machine he bought few days back. It not only made his life easy but also gave fanatstic results. Cows were 50% more productive!

So with lotz of spare time in his hands, he decided to go naughty. He mounts the machine on his peewee . The machine starts sucking automatically with vigour and the guy enjoys his fantastic sexual treat and ejaculates like never b4.

Thrilled and excited with his new venture, he now needs to shut it off. But there is no button to switch it off . He recalls that the machine works automatically once mounted and is stuck to him with power of vaccum.

He hurriedly checks the manual which says

"New MilkFountain 2.0

Autoreleases after 2 gallons!"

Then there was the farmer who was awarded the "Best Quality Milk" prize by the local District Farmer's Association. His acceptance speech began "I owe my success to udders."

I am glad he didnt say "nipples"...

;-)

Hmmmm.

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh

Vinsan said "nipples".

Love those irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everything in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the church...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The priest replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

Good ones, dadpad...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

BBB, on another occasion little Johnny was taking some crackers and cheese home from the store. It was a wet day and he slipped and dropped his groceries in a puddle. He yelled "Jesus Christ God all mighty." The same priest heard him and scolded him for his blasphemy. Johnny defended himself by saying that the priest misheard him; what he yelled was "Cheese and crackers got all muddy."

My granddad just died.

About a month ago we put lard on his back.

He went downhill quickly after that.

That kid is an amazing translator.

BBB

:-)

Me too...

I heard this on the weekend:

This German guy tells everyone his grandfather also died in Auschwitz! "Really?" came the amazed reply, "What happened?"
"Well," he said sheepishly, "He was drunk, so drunk that he fell from the watch tower".

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man slurs his reply," I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies,

"My wife."

Why did the mushroom go to the party?


Because he was a funguy.

That's actually funny - NOT ALLOWED!!!