Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

That's it. There's the winner.

I met Henny a few months before he died. He was backstage in a wheelchair. When they called his name he got out of his wheelchair, gave a rousing 15 minute performance then went back stage and collapsed in his wheelchair exhausted. He lived for his audience.

Three A2K trolls walk into a bar and knock themselves out.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dunap

Dunap who?

Have you ???? Hur Hur..

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Q: Whats black and white and eats like a horse?

A: A Zebra

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

Mame just reminded me of two old jokes streams:

What's black and white and lives in a cave?

A pregnant nun

or

A zebra with debts


And other was the cannibal jokes like:

Did you hear about the health conscious cannibal?

He only ate vegetarians.


Did you about the catholic vegetarian?

He always ate fishermen on Fridays.

And of course there was the occasion when Stanley, after finding the missing Dr Livingstone, was told by the doctor of his worries regarding a lost tribe of pygmies, the Foogawi, who were rumoured to live nearby and who were in great danger of being wiped out by raiding cannibals.

As Stanley had a well armed and equipped safari he agreed to try to find the tribe and lead them to the comparative safety of Dr Livingstone's compound. He set off and spent many strenuous days and sleepless nights contending with the hardships and dangers of the jungle. Then, one day he and his men came to a large clearing, covered in grass about five foot high.

"Be very careful" he told his men "There could be anything hiding in this long grass".

Suddenly, some chanting was heard and a head popped up in the long grass. This happened a number of times. Stanley turned to his headman and asked "Do you understand what they are saying?"

"Yes, Bwana," replied the headman "They keep jumping up to have a look and chanting 'Where the Foogawi, where the Foogawi?' - that's how they got their name."

Not a joke, but some are funny:

Analogies, similes & metaphors found in high school essays

~ Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

~ His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free.

~ He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

~ She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

~ She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

~ Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

~ He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

~ The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

~ From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

~ Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

~ The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

~ Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

~ John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

~ He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

~ Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

~ The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

~ The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

~ The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

~ He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

~ She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

~ It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

~ He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Thanks for sharing Nick. I've got him on vinyl on a 87 comic relief album. His act was so old school compared to the rest but the audience warmed to him. I'm not sure I'd even call him a comedian in a sense - he just had those one liners and just rat-a-tat them out. Did he ever deal with a heckler? I get the feeling he had lines to say in an order and nothing would have stopped him.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, charging around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels, and reaching maximum speeds on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was a few bricks shy of a full load the other residents tolerated her, and some of the male residents even joined in.

One day, Ethel was flying down one corridor when a door opened and out stepped kooky Claudy with her hand in the air, "STOP" she ordered. Do you have a license to drive that thing? Ethel fished around in her pocket, pulled out a candy wrapper and held it up for her to see "OK" she said, and away Ethel went down the hall at top speed.

Rounding the corner by the lunchroom doofy Dewy jumped out yelling, "STOP"...... Do you have proof of insurance? Ethel searched her other pocket and pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up for Dewy to see. Very well. Dewy nodded carry on ma'am.

As Ethel rounded the last corner headed for the front door, Lurky Lou stepped out in front of her wearing nothing but a huge erection. Damn cried Ethel "not the Breathalyzer again"

This one is courtesy of Debacle, who hasn't been seen on this site in a turtle's age, but sends these things out from time to time via e-mail:

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!..... Wait two weeks.... Faw off by itself! ......You save money."

How far can you throw Santa?

http://www.fetchfido.co.uk/games/slingshot_santa/slingshot_santa.htm

How fast are your reactions?



http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

Just a warning, this is totally bad....if you find it offensive.... stop reading NOW. It's not obscene, but it is totally politically incorrect.

Sir Paul and his Mrs:

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "Try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney: I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

-------------------

If she doesn't get the settlement she's looking for, she can always work at IHOP.

Strange thing, Mame. It's totally offensive and rip-roaring funny at the same time.

I can't believe you left out this one:

A reporter suggests to Sir Paul that as result of this breakup fracas he would probably not be 'going down on one knee' for a while. To which Sir Paul replies 'I'd prefer that you called her Heather...'

Paul, looking at a harp seal in Canada: "Honey, can I borrow your leg?".

A priest decides to take a walk to th e pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" The Priest says, "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!" "Oh, I'm sorry", replied the Priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please Father", said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God." "No, you don't understand", said the Priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm", said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

"My lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior. "No, Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." "Hmmm", replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the sonofabitch!", said the Priest. "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!", said the Bishop. "And I cooked the sonofabitch!", said the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, pulls out a fresh Havana cigar and lights it, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you f**kers are all right".