I know, I know.....but at this point, I think he is incapable of living on his own. I believe that if I throw him out, he will go straight back to her without even getting a chance to think about what he really wants. He will just go where the wind blows him at the moment. He's not thinking of ANYTHING or anyone....he is just drifting, I believe. He often tells me that he is in a "surreal" world, and he loses track of what he is doing and who he is. He doesn't feel "real" anymore. He feels like he's sleepwalking all the time. He often tells me that he feels absolutely nothing for no one.....not her, not me, not himself, not the kids....no one. He sometimes wonders if he will ever feel anything again.
I believe that the shock of what he has done is still affecting him so badly, that he doesn't know what to think. When he moved back home, he promised me complete honesty....no more lies at all. So, I believe that last night's reaction was part of that......keeping his promise to be honest, but at the same time not knowing what in the heck to do or say.
I think the therapist will help him open his eyes and get back his life, if my husband will give it time to help. I am really hopeful about the therapy. I like the counselor a lot more than I thought I would. His voice is very calm and soothing.....it's almost as if your tensions turn down a notch just by hearing the sound of his voice. Ironically, my husband said the same thing. I don't think he minds the therapist, although it is different than what he thought it would be. I think he expected the focus to be on him. He still wants to go to therapy alone, but I told him that we really shouldn't try for 2 visits a week because of the medical and cc bills. I think it's important for us to go together.
I think he just wants to go because he wants to talk about Brenda, but he doesn't want me hurt by it. Well, I say he's going to HAVE to talk about her in front of me.
On another note, I met one of my husband's friends yesterday. He's known him for a dozen years, but he never invited me to go with him when he went there. I always thought it was just because he wanted to be with his friend doing "guy" things. But I was upset when he told me he took HER there with him, because his friend lives with his mother and the mother has become like a mother to my husband (without my ever knowing it!) He wanted the mother to meet Brenda. Anyway, I asked him how the mother liked Brenda and he told me "she didn't say much, so I don't know."
I asked him to take ME there, too, and yesterday, he did. When I got there, the woman was so wonderful to me. She took one look at me and said to hubby "Whatsa matter? You need GLASSES? LOOK at your wife! She's BEAUTIFUL!" Well....that made my day! Apparently hubby has been talking to this woman for a long time, telling her about me....how I was older than him and going downhill, apparently. He must have really painted a bad picture of me, because she was really surprised by me, and told me so. So anyway, this woman and I spent the whole day talking, and she said that she wished she'd insisted that my husband bring me sooner. She always believed that it was ME that didn't want to meet her, and she can see how wrong that was. She told me that I shouldn't worry about the other woman.....she didn't like her, and she wasn't half as pretty as I am.
She and I got along so well, she was just hugging me so much. And she insisted on taking pictures of us. She told my husband to give me a kiss so that she could get it on film. She also said that she thinks his head is stuck so far into his butt that he can't see what a real treasure he has! Gosh, that woman made me feel like a million bucks! I have to admit, hubby was shocked. He never believed that she would warm up to me like that. He said that she treated me so differently from how she treated Brenda....polite but reserved. She just treated me like one of her kids, and told hubby and I to do lots of things together....go bowling, dancing, etc. She said that was the secret to her 50+ years with her late husband.
Anyway, we came home and watched a movie on DVD. I was still in such a good mood from spending the day there, that I guess that's why we slipped into our old life, for a moment.
I have finally noticed something......anyone that meets me for the first time always seems to be pleasantly surprised. I can't help but wonder how long he has been dissing me to others???
Well......I'm going to focus on therapy for the next couple months. And I don't think I will make the same mistake I did last night again. At least not until my ego is repaired enough to take such a battering.
By the way.....Saturday night I had a bad back ache. Hubby said, "Do you, um, need a back rub too? I THINK that I might be able to do it with these hands......they don't seem to be in TOO much pain at the moment......um......." (proceeds to rub his hands and massage his fingers and say "ouch" on occasion.) I told him to forget it.
Hubby's been telling me that he thinks his joints are sore lately, but he doesn't know what from. Funny how he can play Quake and rapid fire those buttons with nooooooooo problem, though!
Yep......you are right.....I am beginning to wonder if the husband I knew is gone forever. If I have to live with this stranger forever, I will eventually throw him out.....I know I will. I keep hoping that my true love will return to this burned out shell that is now my husband. I just hope he returns soon.
