I have a daughter or do I?

Dys
If it were me, I know I'd want her to hear my side of the story because I think she deserves that as much as you do.
From what you've explained about your ex, I believe she never gave your daughter the gifts and letters you sent, so that would mean that your daughter is living her life based on lies.
I know if I was your daughter I would want to know the truth, especially if I have such a wonderful dad.

(((((((Dys)))))))

Interesting take on things you have Montana. The "his" side vs the "her" side. I really don't look at it the same way and I would never want to get into a "let me tell you the whole truth" because it would put my daughter into a postion of having to take sides and that could get really ugly really quickly. In addition I don't know that I would have been an adequate father (I like to think I would have been) My only motive/goal would be for myself and my daughter to have an adult relationship based on the present, totally ignoring the past. I question the possiblity of that happening for numerous reasons but mostly the need for her mother to justify her past actions as well as the human tendency to "color" their histories in the best possible light.I see, in praticial terms, no solution if she wants to find me, she can. I believe I will leave it at that.

I think that's a good decision, Dys.

(Sigh.) Life is so complicated.

I've thaught, you would come to this decision, dys, ... .

Live really isn't easy.

I'm sorry if I made it sound like that Dys and that was so far from my intention.
I just know that I would want to know who my dad really was, is all.

I hope she finds you so she'll have the joy of knowing the wonderful you we all know here.

Well, there is nothing else to say, except: I sincerely wish for you
that your daughter will contact you one day.

Of course, the ultimate decision is up to you. Yow know what is emotionally comfortable for you. I think though, that if you give yourself some time to have this issue "settle" in your mind, you just might want to take a shot at finding her.

I believe dys has made the right decision.

Me too.

Here's my gut instinct:

Your ex-wife pretty much told your daughter what an awful person you are and she believed it. My bet is she wants to know about you but feels a loyalty to her mother. It may even be possible your wife withheld all the cards and gifts you sent.

Have you thought of hiring a detective? She's an adult now and it may be wiorth your while to give it a try.

Gala, A detective for what purpose?

Dys said he doesn't know her last name or address.

I skimmed and did not read all the entries and just went with my gut -- so if I am out of step...

Yes, but what difference does that make if he has no intention of initiating contact?

As I said, I am out of step with what he might have said. Nonetheless, a detective could still fill in some of the blanks about who she is and where she lives-- even if he never contacts her.

On second thought, your option might not be a bad one.

If it were my child I'd want to know all the details-- is she married, any kids, what does she do for work, is she happy, all the things a decent detective could find out.

Good points all!

Sad story Dys. I'm sorry to hear it. I have little to offer by way of advice; that doesn't boil down to "follow your heart".

If you think it's best to leave it be for her sake and/or your own; there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing.

If however you think you'd like to contact her; stop using excuses like not knowing her name or number. A private investigator could probably provide you both in a matter of days if not hours.

You have my best wishes and warmest regards, what ever you decide.

Dys, I was thinking about this some more-- and repression is not good when you are haunted. Let it out of your system, otherwise you're going to implode.

It's as if you are serving a self-imposed jail time for something that happend more than 30 years ago. You're different now, your life is different now, you're more settled and perhaps this is why this is bubbling to the surface.

You can get information about her and still not contact her-- think of it as investing in some peace of mind. You certainly deserve it.

Dys,

Whatever you do decide, you have to be at peace with that decision.

I hope you find that peace.