I have a daughter or do I?

Dys has gone to bed.

This subject is probably the most horribly painful in his life, even though there have been some incredibly painful experiences for him from early childhood on into adulthood.

Quote from boomer -

No, you are not a father.

You tried to be a father and you were prevented from doing so.

Siring a child does not, in my opinion make one a father.



Of course he is a father, he has loved this child for decades.

People sometimes have more than one father or mother, all of them real.

Quote from boomer -

No, you are not a father.

You tried to be a father and you were prevented from doing so.

Siring a child does not, in my opinion make one a father.



Of course he is a father, he has loved this child for decades.

People sometimes have more than one father or mother, all of them real. Some are shitty, or seem to be. Some are very shitty. Circumstances vary.

The reason I think she will one day try to contact you, is because of what happened to me. I had heard only negative stories about my father and in fact had not seen him since 1945, and was too young to remember him at all. I always said that he was nothing to me, not really my father. I waited until I was at least fifty to develope a burning desire to learn about him and to meet him. I believe that she will one day be the same way with you, dys. If she does, I hope it comes at a much younger age than fifty.

I hope what I said did not cause any additional heartache. I have the utmost respect and admiration for dys.

Sometimes letting go is the best thing for the child. Who knows what she was told. Who knows what was said to her.

I admire people who can realize that continued disruption, even though well intended, even when it is out of love, is not always the best thing.

I did not mean any disrespect with my "No."

I think that perhaps letting a child go on to have another father, someone who can be a daily presence in the child's life, for whatever reason, is the most loving thing a parent can ever even consider doing for their child.

In the last 35 years the entire world has changed regarding "family". Viewing whatever happened unter a 21st century lens is unfair to both dys and his daughter.

One never lets go.

Sorry, too close to the bone, and I am interjecting too much of myself. Will try to shut up for 24 hours.

I tried to edit my post after hitting submit and reading your last one, osso, but since you posted I couldn't edit.

I don't know the circumstances of this situation so I'm thinking I should just shut up.

Every situation is different.

Diane,
Please tell dys that I am so sorry for the pain this has caused him. Please let him know that he is in my thoughts.

I knew I liked you, Dys, for more then the usual reasons. Here's my story:

In 1973 I married this young woman with a babychild boy A____ from her first marriage. He was a joy to me. Soon we had another babyboy B__ and a family, but not for long. Right after I adopted A_____ , his mom took off with my best friend and I was left with two kiddos to care for.

I did it for a long time on my own.

Then I got married again. This time there were no more kids, except the woman I married. She did her damnedest to screw things up, and A_____ played right into her hands by screwing up in school and being a pissant around the house.

(He was a joy to watch on a soccer field, natural head fake, perfect poise in the most frantic conditions, a red-haired streak.)

The childwoman got the childboy to ask to move to his real mother's house in California.

He went.

There were a couple of visits to see me and his brother -oh, did I mention the childwoman left right after she got A_____ to leave?? yeah, shitty.

Anyway, years passed, a lot of them. I always sent Christmas and birthday stuff and I always got some kind of thank you by phone or card, but that was all. Eleven years of that, wow.

So, later, married again (Holy moly) both kids grown. New wife (A certified saint) embraces long lost son and gets him to come to New York where we try to re-establish a relationship. It's tough. He doesn't know me from nothing. I don't know him either. He's had it very rough. Drugs, jail, bad stuff. I don't care and the rest of my family chimes in and welcomes back, I wish I could avoid this phrase, the prodigal son.

There's a new girlfriend who becomes his wife and soon there is a babyboy.... .

All's well, right?

Well, no. It didn't take. A______ couldn't connect with this bunch of strangers, this other world, I think he tried but we were strangers, nice strangers, but still... so he left us again.

I haven't seen or heard from him in three years now. I hear he and his wife now have two babys ... .

So, do I have one son or two?

I have two, one I hear from weekly who has the sweetest grin and plays drums in a hard rock band out of Dallas and another whom I now believe I shall never see again except in memories of soccer games from long ago Spring mornings.

I love them both.

Oh yeah, this is why your post caught my eye, Dys.:


Today is A_____'s birthday. He's thirty-eight years old.


Happy Birthday, A_____. wherever you are.

Joe(your old man)Nation

Boomerang I am sure that your statements were not taken as being an intentional slight against dys. I can understand where this kind of thinking comes from, based on how society is today. Unfortunately that does not take away the pain of being separated from your child against your will. There is so much wrapped up in a situation like this that people can't see. Things that even the person involved cannot express.

There's so much uncertainty about how to feel, how the other person feels. What to think, what the other person thinks. Questions of what they have been told about you. Doubts about whether or not to invade in their life, because that is how it truly feels it would be. My father had no clue that my mother had told me what she had. He spent 20 years hurt and not understanding why his 9 yr old daughter had suddenly not wanted to be his daughter any more. I cannot imagine how much this must have hurt him.

He didn't contact me first because he was afraid to invade my life because I had rejected him, and had continued rejecting him until I was about 12. Up until then he would still try to call me sometimes. He would still send me birthday cards. And then he gave up and I don't blame him. We're only human, you know? It would have been a tragedy for it to have ended that way for us. Neither of us knowing how the other person felt. There would have been no sense of closure. Even if he had rejected me, at least I would have known. Sometimes just not knowing is the worst kind of pain.

Mine is about to turn 41.





(er, no inquiries please)

OK, ok, back to shutting up for 24 hours.

I hope, any and all comments to this situation are appropriate and caring.

I hope noone ever interjects with ' dead beat dad 'syndrome.

I hope , anyone who does say something to this, comes from parental love and friendly understanding.

I dont think there is any regular poster on this site that would think otherwise of Dys, but if you do, please shut your trap.



sorry... had to throw that out there..
( not AT anyone mind you.. ;-) )

Dys and Joe made me cry

Yeh.

me too.

nods to Wolfola...

For someone like me, who is very attached to her father...this is a really heart-breaking thread.

Joe, you made me cry too.

The posts on this thread have been incredible. I admit to being almost frantically worried that Dys was opening up something that would only add the the pain that is already there, but you all have come in with the most thoughtful posts.

I know Dys will take all of this to heart. I also think he will understand some of the different takes on the subject. Boomer's was quite understandable. Please don't stop posting Boomer. We both love you.

There are a few of you that I even PM'd because of my concern for Dys. After reading all your posts, my only thought is love for the giving, loving people on a2k.