I have a daughter or do I?

ummmm..... yes.

I admit this is a very difficult issure for me to deal with.

you DO have a daughter. you ARE a father.
it doesnt sound like you have a relationship.
Unfortunatly those two dont go hand in hand as they should.

So, you know where she is then?
Or, are you possibly sending stuff to someone else?

i realize how stupid of a question that was for me to ask

right about now..

I have no idea where she is or what her name is.

oh. I misunderstood.
I thought you WERE currently sending presents.



yes. you are a father. And if given the opportunity, I bet you would be a great father

have you considered hiring someone to track them down?

You are most definetly a father who has a daughter.
I'm sorry to hear of this situation. How heartbreaking.

It is good to hear she is doing well for herself tho.

It's a very difficult situation for me, I have no desire to interfere in her life and yet I also want her to know who I am.

Can't you have the aunt ask her to contact you?

Yes, you certainly have a daughter, dys! A friend of mine had
a similar experience: divorced when the daughter was 2 years old, and wasn't able to see her, despite shared custody. The mother always found
a reason why the daughter needs to be kept away from the father.
It got quite ugly with innuendos and accusations.

That girl never received his letters, his presents or any other
notes from her father. Her mother told her, that her father
deserted them and had no interest in his daughter. Of course, she believed her mother and there was never a doubt it could be otherwise.

Yet, her father never gave up, always continued sending letters and presents, and finally his daughter did contact him when she was 14 years old, as she had found one of the father's old presents he sent for her 5th birthday.

Ever since then they have remained in contact.

Point is: your daughter might not know the entire story
dys, and she might live with the notion that her father has
deserted her and has no interest in her. If it were me, I'd
want to find her.

I dont think you would be stepping on anyones feet by introducing yourself to your daughter.

In fact, being a child with no real father all MY life, even though I have heard nothing but bad things about my dad, i would break in two if he called me.
It would be one of the greatest things that happend to me.

I can only imagine the fear of rejection you have.
I wish I could re-assure you of that, but I cant.
All I can say is that it is worth the try to contact her if possible..

I agree with shewolf. It's a lack of relationship, not a lack of you having a daughter. Though I can see how it would feel that way. It is a struggle to know what to do in a situation like this because you have no clue how the other person feels about it. If you want to track her down I believe there are plenty of ways to do it now-a-days, but it's a tough decision to make. If you want to know her I would say it couldn't hurt to at least try. Then you would have your answer as to whether or not she wants to know you.

When I was nine years old my mother told me that my father had never wanted me and had asked her to have an abortion when he found out she was pregnant with me. I cut off all contact with my dad from that day forward. When I was 26 I had a heart to heart with my mom and found out it was actually her who had thought about the abortion and she had only said that because my brother wanted to leave and live with our father and she didn't want to lose me too. People say some pretty unreasonable things when they are hurt and trying to protect themselves.

I struggled for a couple of years after that trying to decide if I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. It was so hard. I didn't know how he felt about me. I didn't know if he still loved me. One day I realized that we only get one life and that I didn't want to spend the rest of mine wondering what he was like. Wondering if he ever really loved me. Regretting that I missed the opportunity to know him. So I began to call him, and then go see him.

The second or third time I went to see him in person he very shyly handed me a very thick envelope and told me it was something he wanted me to have and do whatever I wanted with. I opened it up and inside were 18 savings bonds. He had bought one every year starting with my first birthday until I turned 18. Even after I had told him I didn't want to see him anymore. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I was just a kid that made a decision based on some very false information. I am so glad I got a second chance with my dad. I wish you the best if you decide to pursue this Dys.

I don't think he is really asking the literal question of does he have a daughter because the literal answer is yes, of course he does, the definition of a daughter is he had sex with a woman and produced a girl. I think the question is should he continue with sending her things and trying to be a part of her life.

Okay, I'll go against the grain.

No, you are not a father.

You tried to be a father and you were prevented from doing so.

Siring a child does not, in my opinion make one a father.

I know that you are a good man. The fact that you were unable to help raise this child is extrememly sad. She missed out on having an incredible person in her life. That isn't your fault.

I think your urge to contact her and let her know about who you are is great and I think you should do that. I think that she would benefit so much from knowing that you have held her close to your heart for so long.

I don't think you were given the opportunity to really be her father.

Of course, my opinion on this is entirely influenced by my own personal experience so take it for what it's worth.

I hope she does get a chance to know you.

Things have changed so much over the last 35 years, haven't they?

Having met Dys,

there wouldnt be a woman in this world who wouldnt love to have him as a dad.

Great man.. he really is..

This is such a painful issue for Dys that I'm surprised he started this thread. The family situation is so complicated, there have been so many lies and evasions that I wonder if he is leaving himself too open to judgement. Yet, I'm glad he can bring himself to finally talk about it with others who are outside his closest friends.

I also know that he won't be able to answer every question. Maybe he will, even though the entire story is as crazy as any I've ever heard.

His ex wife has multiple personalities, she is quite intelligent and has no compunction about lying to get her way.

Please understand if he doesn't or can't answer all the questions that may come up about his daughter.

I think that's rather obvious to everyone dear.


dys, this is going to be something I'll be thinking about at my 3am bathroom trip.

Who knows what her mother has told her about you. She really doesn't know who you are.

I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but boy, this is a real toughie.

like 'k said, can you work with this through your aunt?

And there is more backstory, which is none of all our business, but he is being nice re history in the face of extreme provocation - from the simple data.

That is not to get you to explain, dys, quite the contrary, but spoken in support.

I think there are ways to look for children.. but there are sometimes vultures who take advantage. More on this in person.

There is also the obvious - fear, somewhat reasonable, of plainout rejection. You want to make the effort.. but do it to try to ward off immediate shutdown...

I have a similar, though not the same, situation and am not dealing with it yet. I'll talk about it on a2k when I'm ready, but not now.
My cousin, the marriage and family counsellor wing of the family, told me that when I am ready, she'd help, that one has to be careful re search engines.