I have a daughter or do I?

Thank you shewolfnm. After I had typed that I figured he already went that route. There must be some way to track her down.

I wonder if there is anyway dys could get her SSN? You can find anyone that way. I can't imagine how hard this is for dys.

Following social security numbers re dependent child on taxes might be doable, perhaps through a detective, as I think Heeven suggested, and then writing a letter - but the original quandary is that dys doesn't want to disturb the child's life at the same time he has a desire to be known.

It may be that if you find the name, dys, you might look in various search engines (again, with caution, I've heard some negative stories) to see if she is listed as looking for you.

I do have some clues, the question is do I pursue them?

I sure hope so, dys!

Dys,

No one can decide this for you. You have to ask yourself if you are doing this for you only or for both of you? Are you willing to risk rejection if that's what she gives? I'm not trying to be mean, Dys, please understand that. Just many things to consider.

I lost contact with my dad for sixteen years, dys. I lost all that time with him, even though we had such problems. He was still my dad. I am sure your daughter wonders about you. I think she has a right to know about you. I would want to know. I was fortunate. Three months before my father died, I was able to meet with him and we reconciled everything. It is something I will never forget. I am sure your daughter would love to know you.

I wish one of us could give you the definitive answer. I think the best we can all do is be here for you. We will listen. We can offer advice, but unfortunately, this is your decision alone, Dys.

If I were you I would.

I don't think I would get more than "I am your biological father and I'm out here!" to her but I'd get something to her to let her know that I was alive.

Best of luck to you Dys. This has to be killing you and it the whole thread makes me appreciate the relationship I have with my daughter all the more.

PM privileges would be nice right about now.

Dys,

I've got a lot to say, but I don't want to say to much...ya know.

I will turn 36 in Sep, and have never spoken to my dad once in my life...when I was younger this was an acute problem, it seemed to always come up at the worst possible time..it was a point of major embarrassment for me...shame. As I grew older, got married, had children of my own...it's lost it's importance...with age comes the ability to see beyond what is presented to us as fact...I realised that there were indeed two sides to the story. I have risen above the bs....blame is no longer an issue, nor is hate.

The sting of the raw emotions have lapsed and weakened with time, but it has been replaced with an annoying void. No matter what I achieve in my personal life, with my business, in my community..it is never good enough. I will always have that desire to hear "I'm proud of you", from that one person....everyone in my little town can pat me on the back and shower me with praises...but it will never be good enough.

It's not something that comes up very often anymore, my kids will ask questions about my dad or about their grandpa...and I usually change the subject...I really don't know how to answer the question, nor really want to, how will my children respect me, if my own father does not.

It's obvious that your daughter, being a teacher, is an intelligent person, if you are worried about how you have been perceived...you will just have to trust that she is an adult and has the sense to reason, and allow you to present yourself on your own merits for a change.

From what little I know of you, I can safely say that she is missing out.

I would encourage you to pursue.

I think that, for your peace of mind, you need to know that you made an attempt to contact her. You need to give her the opportunity to know what a wonderful person that you are.

If she is not interested, at least you have the comfort of knowing that you tried. I say "Go for it"! You know that we are with you, all the way!

Since your daughter may well think you are dead or even non existent, it would in my opinion be wise to search ways to contact her.

What an extraordinary thread!

Dys, your story (and many others on this thread) have brought tears to my eyes.

Boomer, you are wonderful. Dys is indeed a mother to many.

I agree that in terms of disrupting her life, it's far better to get through to her -- you don't know if anything has -- and say something direct, from you, about your interest in her.

In terms of what's best for you, it's kind of hard to say. Best case scenario is good of course -- that you contact her, she's receptive, and things grow from there. But I do worry about what a blow it would be if she's not receptive, and there's just no way of knowing.

Still, I think the gamble is worth it.

Yes

Beyond the emotional issues which are not insignificant there is a serious practical issue. Medicine is changing rapidly due to advances in genetic research, and she has half your genes. This may be knowledge necessary protect her own health and possibly that of her children (your grandchildren) at some future date.

I think you have a duty to contact her.

I won't even pretend to know the answer to this but I want to thank dys for his candor. I've learned a lot here.

Whenever I feel my patience running thin and I'm ready to lash out about..... things.... I'll think about this thread and how much damage the wrong words can do.

Despite my paper thin patience and flying fists of fury I have always tried to keep doors open for Mo despite knowing I could poison him with just a few words.

It seems to me that your ex, like so many ex-anythings, knew how to use poison to damage but not kill.

I'm not going to jump in with a "go for it" but I will say that knowing a door is ajar provides the temptation to look behind it.

Once in a while what you find is a huge sigh of relief.

CJ already said it and I know it as well as you, dys, do: you know about all possible ways how to try to find contact to her.

And I would do it exactly the way, fishin' had suggested - might be, it comes out to be more than a two-sentence-letter?

The important question, what is good for her or/and for you - well, we all can speculate about. The answer can be given only by real life.

Decision making isn't easy. But since you are already on the way to her by posting the story here - why stop, when you already bought the tickets?

dys, You have a biological daughter, but I'm not so sure about "family."

After all those years that you tried to recognize her by your sending of presents, and her ability to contact you if she wished, no response seems to have two reasons. 1. Her mother's influence, and 2. all those gifts didn't reach her.

I'm not sure any child would ignore any one of their biological parent by choice.

repression is not always a bad thing. I sorta regret having started this thread. I have been laying in bed all day remembering things I don't really want to remember. I had this cow once, kinda a pet , and when my daughter was 3 (the last time I saw her) she was in the pasture petting this cow, reaching up so high to pet this cow and the cow licking her face while she giggled. But that's just history now. Isn't all of our lives just this way?

Dys,

I am sure that the memories you are feeling right now are probably pretty bittersweet. I am sure we have all had those at times. I have them about my dad but I wouldn't change them dys. They make up who we are.

I sincerely hope you find your daughter and she can see your heart like the rest of us can. She is a very lucky daughter indeed.

Correct, our live is history. But a history, which is constantly written forward. And we are actors as well as directors and playwriters.

you know , it is quite possible your ex has tiold your daughter you are dead and she has spent her life depressed that she has never met you.

Your ex hid / threw out the presents and cards to ensure that the idea of you not being around was concrete for your daughter.

it is quite possible your ex told your daughter that you would be back some day , while secretly chanigng her INFO so you CANT find her, and watching the tourment it is causing your daughter.

a simple 2 sentance letter will tell her you are still there, and give her the opportunity to contact you with out disrupting her life.
She knows about you. It is impossible for her not to. You last saw her when she was 3 ?
Yeah, she remembers. Absolutly.

Offering for her to know you wont damage her life in anyway.
Now, showing up on her dorostep, ... well.. that might. I think a letter gives her , her privacy, isnt intruding on her perception of you ( unless she thinks you are dead) and gives her a chance to decide for herself, something she has not been able to do , if she wants communication with you.

Right now, you not having communication with her is not 100% her doing.
This is your ex's doing.
I say write her and give her a chance to make up her own mind..

but then again.. the question still comes down to
HOW

I wasn't around when this thread started, but I'll add my two cents now.

Dear Dys, I cannot imagine that anyone would not like to have you for a father. Your ex-wife should be deeply ashamed of herself. She will get hers though, don't you worry. Everything comes around.

That said, you are really opening old wounds here. Which is not always wise. The answer will have to come from within...what can you live with? Would it be better to let sleeping dogs lie and enjoy the happy life you have built for yourself...or...risk opening yourself up to more pain with the distant possibility of a reconciliation with your daughter?

I know which I would choose, but this is your decision. You must do whatever you must do.

Much love.