I have a daughter or do I?

Dys, you are a father , but have never been given the chance to be a dad. I hope you do get the chance, and my thoughts are with you. It's unbearably sad for me when I see former spouses using their children as wedges.

Knowing dys and knowing a lot of similar situations (professionally) - it's really a big issue for most men (certainly for women as well).

It's great that dys strted talking about it.
Any of our responses will help him, I'm sure. (And the presence of Diane even does more.)

But this won't change the actual real situation. Unfortunately not.

I'm sure on the other site that this thread will push something forward. Which can be only good.

My mother was born illegitimate. In the days of her youth, illegitimacy was stigmatizing. Foul-mouthed people would call her a "bastard child" right to her face. My mother's mother (my grandmother) sat in the bars and drank up the welfare money every month. So, my mother grew up very neglected and had to depend on what little kindness she could find from others for her most basic needs.

When my mother was a young girl, she learned the identity of her father. She harbored a lot of resentment towards him for not coming forward and taking care of her when she needed him. And believe me, when my brothers, sisters, and I were growing up, our mother told us all kinds of stories about her difficult childhood.

When my mom was about 40 years old, she finally let go of her childhood anger and wrote a letter to her father. He immediately responded with a letter of his own. He acknowledged that he was her father and told her that he loved her. He carried her picture in his wallet; he thought of her all the time; and he hoped that she would contact him.

They were able to talk through everything and they built a father-daughter relationship that meant the world to both of them.

So yes, Dys. You do have a daughter. Someday, she will write or call and the two of you can talk through everything.

Totally agreed.

I'm sure she feels the same way....I hope you get your chance.

Two things:

(1) Yes, Dys, you do have a daughter.

(2) You say: "I have (although she does know how to contact me via my aunt) never heard one word from her." Sorry if this is a stupid question, but is there a chance to make this work the other way round? Can her aunt contact your daughter for you, find out why she is not responding, and see if there's anything you can do to change that?

Good luck!

I'm going to take a chance here.

Dyslexia, you didn't ask for any advice and I am not in the habit of offering unasked for advice --- No, I am not-- .

but

I think you should make the attempt to find her,
through her aunt,
through some other source,
some way.

You don't know, with life the way it is these days, she could be that woman pushing the shopping cart two aisles over from you and Diane at the Piggley-Wiggly.

Our more spiritual friends would tell you to open yourself to the Universe.
A recent houseguest of ours would tell you to sit on your front porch and think good thoughts about her and you will draw her to you.

I say make some phone calls.

It could be the best, hardest, worst, most difficult, easiest thing you've ever done.

It's a small wager against the larger world of the unknown.

Joe(dial one for long distance)Nation

I think Joe Nation's advice is sound. Even if she rejects your first moves, it should set her to wondering about you, enough eventually to seek you on her own.

Good point Joe and Edgar. Sometimes it just takes time. It took me three years to decide to contact my father. Though I was yet uncertain what his response would be. Just knowing that you want to be a part of her life could help things move along very well.

Ooof....that is some tough stuff, Dys.



I have a friend in a similar situation...though his daughter actually asked him to stop coming to see her, because it caused too much trouble, when she was still quite little, and his pain is immense.


Ooof.



I have no idea what to say, Dys.


This is one of those pains that just is.



It is great that she seems to have done some really great things......the languages thing? Does she get that from you?

I am picking up, perhaps wrongly, from the aunt thing that you are thinking she would have contacted if she wished to, so you are reluctant to try to contact her? Not knowing how you have been painted, and hence what she believes you to be?

Ooof.



Nothing ventured and all, I guess....



I can well imagine how hard it would be to strip off whatever delicate skin has grown over the wound, and open it up to the air of hope and fear again.




((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Dys)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

No idea what to say, just that we all support you, whatever happens and whatever you want to do.

<sigh>

Sometimes life just sucks.

[quote="dyslexia"]I have (although she does know how to contact me via my aunt) never heard one word from her. I sent b'day and xmas presents for some years and after never hearing a response gave up. Do I have a daughter? [/quote]

Yes, you do have a daughter. From how you describe the situation, it sounds like your ex may have been telling her only her side of the story.
Your daughter is an adult now, and this may be just the time to make a connection.

If it were me, I would get her address from your aunt, and write her a letter. No recriminations, no "he said, she said". I would simply tell her that I have missed her for so long, and would like to keep in touch with her. Give her your phone number, and leave the decision up to her, but let her know, that you really want a relationship, on whatever level is comfortable for her.

My husband has three children. When he divorced his wife, she was the stereotypical vindictive woman, who actually said to his face that she would use the kids against him.

We had kept up a "thread" with the oldest boy, but did not have any contact with the youngest two.............................until the death of their mother, after 25 years. We were invited to her funeral. It was almost as if they could not show "disloyalty" to her, but when she died, they were able to make contact with their dad.

We now have a perfunctory relationship with the three of them, infrequent phone calls, and a once a year visit, which is initiated by us.

Hey, it is not the greatest. I think that we all really missed out on something all these years, but we are grateful for what we do have.

Dys- I know that this is very hard for you, but I think that it is worth taking the risk. Reach out to her. If there is no response, you have lost nothing, and you may just find each other again. (((((HUGS)))))

ok some clarification needed I see. First of all noone including my aunt has ever heard from my daughter. My aunt (aged 85) has received a few xmas cards over the years from my ex which is all the information I have re my daughter. My daughters birth certificate has been edited deleting my name as father and her "new" birth certificate (with her new name) is not availiable (restricted) I do not know my daughters name. When my daughter turned 18 I and my father had some investments that we made when she was born that matured, my attorney sent a letter to my ex explaining how my daughter could cash in those investments but my daughter would have to sign a release using her original name, my ex returned the letter to my attorney stating that in no way would my daughter sign using her original name. I do not know my daughters name, my aunt does not know my daughters name and I know of noone who knows where my daughter is. What information I do know is that my daughter is married, has a masters degree in languages and may or may not be teaching German somewhere.

it sounds like a dead end

i wish I could think of a way to make it other wise.

it sounds like, if you had a lawyer there could be a good paper trail going on.
but that is expencive

then you run back into the fear of rejection

im sorry this has happened to you.
You dont deserve this.
I love you . You are such a wonderful person.
I hope, some where , something comes up for you that allows you to meet your daughter.

Well, dys. This revelation doesn't make me cry, it makes me angry. Not only do you have a right to know your daughter, she has a RIGHT to know you. Another thing, cowboy, it does sound as those she is accomplished and has a life so you can be comforted by that.

Joe, no words can give you comfort, my friend. Hugs.

You ex sounds like she has some serious issues, dys. How can a person be so vindictive?

It is almost beyond comprehension.

Dys, that is so heartbreaking.

Maybe she is out there and she will come across this site and recognize herself in one of your posts. Who knows? Like a lot of people have said, she may not even know the story or know that you desperately want to know her. She has probably wondered about you a million times and like shewolf said, I can't imagine that she would not want to meet you.

I think that it's important for you to remember that while you have not been given a chance to be a daddy to her, you are still a loving father who probably hasn't made any moves to find her yet because you don't want to disrupt her life or cause her pain.

Is it at all possible to try and contact her mother? Tell her that at 18 your daughter is old enough to at least know that her father exists. That you don't care what her name is now and that you just want to talk to her. Is your ex so cold hearted that she wouldn't even allow you the chance to meet your daughter? Perhaps you tell your ex that you only want your daughter to call you and if she doesn't want to meet you then she can tell you that on the phone.

Since she is 18, can you get any information from your exes lawyer? I am really trying to problem solve this.....

I only wish you the best of luck in this. Everyone deserves to know their father just as everyone deserves a chance to know their kids.

Diane, no one has mentioned, although I am sure that they think it, that you are a wonderful woman for supporting Dys in this. Many women wouldn't (sadly).

gus I have some theories but that's all they are. (they involve religion)

Dys, it seems as if you need a way to route around your ex. It seems that every channel you have tried so far leads through her, and she's blocking access. (Since you can't send Christmas gifts to your daughter directly, there's a good chance your ex is blocking them too, and your daughter may not even know you're trying to reach her. I don't know how to do this, but I have two ideas that you may or may not find helpful.

(1) How about asking someone who does know how to find out such things? Have you talked to a detective about it? You know what your ex's new name is. (right?) There must be records linking that name to her daughter's, and marriage certificates or something that link your daugter's maiden name to her current name. A a detective knows how to figure out these connections if they exist. Have you considered trying it? It may feel sneaky to you, but you don't seem to have an awful lot of choice.

(2) If it does feel too sneaky to you, you might try ads in the major midwestern newspapers. The Midwest is thinly populated, so if you post a few ads -- one in the Chicago Tribune, one in the Saint Louis Post Dispatch, one in the Indianapolis Whatever, and one in the Kansas City Star, I think even a limited number of ads stands a fighting chance of reaching her.

But the best advice I can give you is, try every way of reaching her that doesn't involve your ex-wife's cooperation.

Well said, Thomas. Another thing, she has a NEED to know about her genetic make up, and when dys mentioned religion, I now understand more about the situation.