I asked him to leave...

JLNobody wrote:

Chumly, I have nothing against polygyny, but I prefer to be committed to one woman at a time. Hypothetically, if my late life were to return to life, I would be in a tremendous bind. Whether I wishedit or not I would love her AND my present wife, at the same time. That's all there is to it. But I would have to choose, wouldn't I, between the two--unless they would want to both live as my wives (informally, of course, because of the legal prohibition against polygyny).
Your right our traditional marriage vow DOES include the absurd promise to have feelings of love until death do you part. How unrealistic. What I said was simply that we can vow to BEHAVE lovingly, but we cannot promise to FEEL in particular ways. That's an impossibility.

I was simply supplying a silly semantic torment as you said

JLNobody wrote:

I think one of the most stupid things people can do is to vow to always love someone else.

I am sure you meant always love your spouse!

(you may laugh when you feel the need)

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

I think there were a lot of things that you did that were foolish.

I think jumping into such a serious relationship -- nevermind marriage -- on such short notice was foolish.

I think getting married on such short notice was more foolish.

(How long ago did you actually meet? We're still talking 6 or 8 months or something before today, right?)

I think those two things are far more foolish than anything you've done since.

Now, we've all done foolish things. And while it's vanishingly rare, I know there are couples who have done the above two things and don't regret it. I say so only because you ask, and because you're asking about something that is a direct result of other foolish things.

I don't think there's anything wrong with going to counseling, per se; I do think you're being extremely wise [NOT foolish] to not accept the condition that he live with you again to do so. Counseling can help everyone clarify their positions, and extricate themselves from the situation more gracefully. Get closure, that kind of thing. It's not only about trying to fix things/ maintain the relationship.

(As an aside, I subscribe to the Mrs. Hamburger school of take 'em as you get 'em and be pleasantly surprised if they get better yet. And take the time to get to know 'em so you know what you're getting.)

Sozobe, thank you for being honest. You can bet I would never do that again. I do see that now... Bad choices from the very start. I just don't want to make another bad one. I live in fear sometimes of making bad choices, which I'm starting to see actually almost pushes me sometimes into making some of the worst choices I could make. I know in my heart what I want now. That's what's been confusing me pretty much. Separating my heart from my feelings. Shutting all my ideals of what's right and wrong off and for once deciding on my own what I think is right for me. Not because the bible says, or someone next door says, but what do I want. What do I want?

BTW we were together for four months before we got married almost to the date. As far as the counseling thing... that window has closed for me. I recently read through all of the instant messanger conversations I had with him from the very start. (I forgot that I had set my messanger to archive the messages for me. Don't even know why I did that actually.) I just happened to stumble upon it about a week ago and I was like, "No way..." Anyway, I saw it all. Everything from the very start. All those things I couldn't see to begin with. There was so much I didn't see. Even about myself. I think I've seen enough now and I think I'm finally ready to resign. Anyway. Thanks again.

0 Replies

You got married last fall, right? So you met around 8 months ago, total?

Glad you made a decision re: counseling. Good luck with the onward and upward part of all of this. Have you gotten a lawyer yet? (No need to answer here, though... I'm mindful of the possibility that he may be reading and that there are some cards you want to keep close to your chest.)

0 Replies

Heph--

He wants to move back in without changing the situation in any way.

You can't live that way.

You can't live with him.

Soz gave you some excellent fodder for thought. Further, you are now thinking that your own instincts and needs should have a great deal of weight in planning your life. This is progress.

Hold your dominion.

0 Replies

sozobe wrote:

You got married last fall, right? So you met around 8 months ago, total?

Glad you made a decision re: counseling. Good luck with the onward and upward part of all of this. Have you gotten a lawyer yet? (No need to answer here, though... I'm mindful of the possibility that he may be reading and that there are some cards you want to keep close to your chest.)

Well if you want the exact number it was 9 months and 12 days. LOL.

0 Replies

Noddy24 wrote:

Heph--

He wants to move back in without changing the situation in any way.

You can't live that way.

You can't live with him.

Soz gave you some excellent fodder for thought. Further, you are now thinking that your own instincts and needs should have a great deal of weight in planning your life. This is progress.

Hold your dominion.

He say's he's real sick. He called me the other day. He said he has to see a specialist. I'm torn now. I don't know what to believe anymore. On one hand if he is really sick and I didn't believe it I would feel so guilty. On the other hand if he's not and is just trying to play on my sympathy's I don't really know what I would do. I would be pretty darn upset. I'm tired of the game. That's all this has been. The problem is, I was never playing.

0 Replies

My first wife threatened to commit suicide if I did not come back to her, so could be the same thing here.

0 Replies

Are you thinking of doing something you do not necessarily want to do in order to make him happy/take care of him?

If he is sick, that is. Either way, it not your responsibility to see him through. You are seperated for valid reasons. Those don't disappear, they will still be there.

I hope he is well and will be okay.
I just want you to remember, if it turns out he truly is ill, that you have a choice in whether or not to lend support and care. It needs to be your honest choice, and not something you feel you Have to do. Give only what you can/want.

You have no reason to feel guilty. You do not control his health.

0 Replies

I just don't know Chumly. I hadn't thought of it that way. Our last "real" conversation he did say he wanted to die without me. I didn't take that too seriously. I took it as just more drama added to the already full pot of horsie poop. He's hurting too you know? I've felt that kind of pain. Where it hurts so bad you'd almost rather just die and get it over with. (Since in your mind you are convinced at the moment you will die anyway.) I am truly so sorry for having brought up this kind of pain in his life. I know I am not the "source" of all of it necessarily, but I guess I kind of see myself as a jar of salt right now.

0 Replies

Honestly flushd... I don't know what I'm thinking right now except that I don't know what to believe anymore. I guess I do feel a twinge of guilt for not just jumping on the, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do?" bandwagon. I don't know why I take so much responsibility on myself for others. Or how they are feeling, or whatever. I try not to. I do still love him and would never wish illness on him. It's just hard to break free I guess. Hard to let go of all those idea's I had of who I thought he was. Of how much I thought he loved me. How good that made me feel. How for the first time in my life I thought I had met someone who actually got "me". Who I am, what I'm about, and loved me for it. He lied and that hurts so bad sometimes. This too will pass. I know it will. I will just do what I feel is best. That is all I can do.

0 Replies

I wish I could remember who said it, but the advice goes: When a man shows you his true self, believe him.

I interpret that to mean: When what he says doesn't jive with what he does, believe what he does.

0 Replies

Swimpy, Hi. Nice to meet you. I don't think I've seen you around. Thank you. I know you are right. I learned it the hard way. Some of the greatest lessons learned I think sometimes come the hard way.

I wrote a poem this morning. Feeling a bit melancholy today. Just thought I would share:

Broken promises
All tied up in words
Things spoken
Things unheard

Silent messages
Spoke from within
Gazing intently
At the heart to win

No thought of failure
No thought of untruth
Lifted with anticipation
Of a love-sick youth

Feeling strength to conquer
Worlds yet unknown
Willing to face any challenge
Knowing it won't be alone

Only seeing a future
No longer the past
Only seeing a love
That you believe will last

Moving forward in trust
Not exactly sure why
Just knowing "it is"
And you feel you can fly

Slowly the wind
Beneath your wings
Starts ebbing away
With the love songs you sing

Truth is revealed
As time always does
Disappointments arise
Questioning "love"

Teardrops fall
On a heart that is broken
Because of the promises
That were unspoken

Time keeps flying
As the wounds mend
Time is not the enemy
But your friend

A very light breeze
Begins to blow
Bending in it's breath
A single rose

Sunlight beams
While the wind passes by
As you slowly realize
You could always fly

Thanks for your support everyone. I am so grateful for all of you.

0 Replies

Quote:

He say's he's real sick. He called me the other day. He said he has to see a specialist

And what did the specialist have to say?

I could be wrong, but I think your Ex is suffering from BBE--Badly Bruised Ego.

I've known a lot of men--including my Ex--who felt that being "sick" was a sure-fire aphrodisiac for a temporarily cold but basically nurturing spouse.

I'm not sure about the underlying logic of the "sick" ploy, except to underline his importance and your guilt.

He won't go to counseling for your peace of mind, but he wants to move back in with you for his physical comfort? He wants to set the rules and he wants you to obey the rules? He calls this "love"?

0 Replies

hephzibah wrote:

sozobe wrote:
You got married last fall, right? So you met around 8 months ago, total?

Well if you want the exact number it was 9 months and 12 days. LOL.

You've married someone and are considering divorcing him within less than a year of meeting him. hephzibah, you may want to spend some time reflecting on what the initial rush was - and how it got you to where you are now. Every experience is a learning experience.

0 Replies

Noddy24 wrote:

Quote:
He say's he's real sick. He called me the other day. He said he has to see a specialist

And what did the specialist have to say?

I could be wrong, but I think your Ex is suffering from BBE--Badly Bruised Ego.

I've known a lot of men--including my Ex--who felt that being "sick" was a sure-fire aphrodisiac for a temporarily cold but basically nurturing spouse.

I'm not sure about the underlying logic of the "sick" ploy, except to underline his importance and your guilt.

He won't go to counseling for your peace of mind, but he wants to move back in with you for his physical comfort? He wants to set the rules and he wants you to obey the rules? He calls this "love"?

Yeah, that's what he calls love. *sigh*

Quote:

You've married someone and are considering divorcing him within less than a year of meeting him. hephzibah, you may want to spend some time reflecting on what the initial rush was - and how it got you to where you are now. Every experience is a learning experience.

Ehbeth... I have. Believe me. I can sum it up in one word. IGNORANCE.

Plain and simple. No two ways about it. I am an ignorant fool. I don't mind saying it. I know it's true. He lied from day one. I chose to forgive him, and to continue forgiving him as the lies kept rolling in. All in the name of "God". Rolling Eyes

I don't know if this is all I have to learn from this, but the one lesson I have learned with crystal clarity is this:

Actions do truly speak louder than words.

If I had followed that from the very beginning none of this would have happened. As far as what the rush was... well believe it or not I really wasn't in a rush. He was. He wanted me, he said and did whatever necessary to get me, and I bought it all hook, line, and sinker. After all he is a "christian" you know. Yup, that's ignorance in it's rawest form.

I guess that would make me the donkey now. LOL

0 Replies

Heph, you made some mistakes but you no more an ignorant fool than the rest of us. Laughing

I love that line "When a man shows you what he is, believe him."

Dream Theater - Take The Time Lyrics
"Hold it now...wait a minute...come on... whew..."
Just let me catch my breath...
I've heard the promises
I've seen the mistakes
I've had my fair share of tough breaks
I need a new voice, a new law, a new way
Take the time, reevaluate
It's time to pick up the pieces,
Go back to square one
I think it's time for a change

There is something that I feel
To be something that is real
I feel the heat within my mind
And craft new changes with my eyes
Giving freely wandering promises
A place with decisions I'll fashion
I won't waste another breath

[Chorus:]
You can feel the waves coming on
(It's time to take the time)
Let them destroy you or carry you on
(It's time to take the time)
You're fighting the weight of the world
But no one can save you this time
Close your eyes
You can find all you need in your mind

The unbroken spirit
Obscured and disquiet
Finds clearness this trial demands

And at the end of this day sighs an anxious relief
For the fortune lies still in his hands

If there's a pensive fear, a wasted year
A man must learn to cope
If his obsession's real,
Suppression that he feels must turn to hope

Life is no more assuring than love
(It's time to take the time)
There are no answers from voices above
(It's time to take the time)
You're fighting the weight of the world
And no one can save you this time
Close your eyes
You can find all that you need in your mind

I close my eyes
And feel the water rise around me
Drown in the beat of time
Let my senses fall away
I can see much clearer now

0 Replies

Hep- One of the things that I have learned in life, is that screwing up can be a positive thing. It allows a person to reflect on what he has done, and his motivations behind what he did. It enables him to develop strategies to ensure that the screw up won't ever happen again.

Chalk the whole thing up as a learning experience, and move on!

0 Replies

Quote:

Heph, you made some mistakes but you no more an ignorant fool than the rest of us.

I love that line "When a man shows you what he is, believe him."

Whoa... Flushd... That song was awesome! Yeah, that's a good line. Most days I know I'm not more ignorant than anyone else. But somedays when I get blindsided again with the reality of all this I forget for awhile.

Quote:

Hep- One of the things that I have learned in life, is that screwing up can be a positive thing. It allows a person to reflect on what he has done, and his motivations behind what he did. It enables him to develop strategies to ensure that the screw up won't ever happen again.

Chalk the whole thing up as a learning experience, and move on!

I agree phoenix. I am moving on. It's just a process. I got back down in the dumps there for a day or so. Sometimes the progess feels more like... two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back, and so on. It's progess, but a little slow at times. Yup, I've learned some mighty fine strategies from this whole experience. Only time will tell if they will hold water or not. Very Happy

0 Replies

hephzibah wrote:

Swimpy, Hi. Nice to meet you. I don't think I've seen you around. Thank you. I know you are right. I learned it the hard way. Some of the greatest lessons learned I think sometimes come the hard way.

Nice to meet you too. I've been following this thread for a while. I think you have fallen into a familiar pit. Many women are too willing to overlook fatal flaws in the man they love. I have a niece who went with a guy for eight years. They attended pre-nuptual counselling through their church. The marriage lasted eight months. All of the reasons for the split were evident beforehand, but they went ahead anyway because they were in love. She thought he would change once they got married. Lesson learned: They never change (or rarely anyway.)

I hope you have a good support system.

0 Replies

Swimpy, this is my support system right now. I moved away from everything I knew to marry a man I apparently didn't know, but thought I did. (Don't ask) While I do have a few friends here in CT. They're more the aquaintance type of friends. I do use the phone a lot. My best friend lives in MI and I've been calling her two to three times a week. She's been through this. She really understands. However, I didn't marry him with the idea of changing him. I know we can't change others. Only ourselves.

He put up a really good front. Presented himself as the "perfect christian husband". Said all the right things. Did all the right things. Now, I've seen this before in other guys, but the front usually didn't last very long. I think he holds the record with me. He managed to keep up the front for four months until he got a ring on my finger. Then all fronts went to the wayside and well... here I am. I don't do fronts. What I am is what I am. I don't hide, I don't pretend to be something I think someone wants in order to get them to like me.

I know people say that "fronts" are a very normal part of meeting the opposite sex, or whatever. If people choose to do that, that is their choice. I see no point in it. If someone can't look at me, spend time with me, and appreciate who I am, then I see no point in continuing on. (speaking in terms of persuing a relationship with someone) I'm not down with heartbreak. I've played enough games in my life, I don't need them. I don't expect perfect. I expect someone to be real. That's it. That's really my only "requirement" if that's what you want to call it.

I hope this didn't come out sounding harsh. That's not how I mean it. I just wish sometimes that people would stop being afraid that who they are isn't good enough for what they want. IMO that is why some people put up fronts. If they really don't think they are good enough for what they are persuing then, you know what? In the end they won't be. *shrugs*

0 Replies

I asked him to leave...

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know