How can i take my mind off a married woman

Ari--

I've had two spouses, both of whom have chosen to tell me when they lust after other women.

Believe me, this sort of share-the-temptation nonsense doesn't make a spouse feel loved.

"Forsake all others"--including conversational "what might have been".

ari .. i do appreciate advice in any form but yep , telling her wot , i havnt done anything .

TO be honest thats an easy bit of advice to ignore to be honest with you . Lets reverse rolls , if my wife told me that she had mad feelings for my best mate , id be pretty pissed , in fact , id be wondering why she would have told me unless she had intentions of persuing it or rubbing into my face that my mates the bomb .

I told you , give it a couple more months of counceling and i will write up a massive shpeil on how i overcame this long term crush with my best mates wife . Im not only ready to forget miss X but im also determined to get a life back , life being my family back as my 100% concentration and also my health , i have never felt this sick in the gut since i can remember and let me tell you , its all over a little thing , just a woman thats started as a perve and developed into a huge imagination in my mind . Shes just an avelanch in there , more i think bout her more i get confused to the point of build up and at the end of the day , all you need to do is piss off all the build up and go back to the core feature of what it was that made me go there and the answer lies there , probably the simplest of things ... as i said , the rest is all just build up my imagination has created .

I can say 1 more thing that made me think " WTF " when she told me but she did pick it straight away , the counciler actually told me my obsession is actually allot more competition thing with her than love / craving . Deep down i am actually competing with her in the sense that what i have done in my past she has done , visa versa . Apparently our spouses are not similar to us in general ( opposite attracts ) and because miss x and i are identical , we see that as a basis to compete in who is more outgoing or a player .

Only thing im different to her in is that i have come to realise this last month that i am playing with fire and that i dont wont to get burnt . If it means letting her win , i will have to but hey , deep down i know ive allready 1 for stepping foot into a door of a person i dont know and telling them i have a problem .

I wasnt supposed to mention that last comment but have to put another thing even i didnt realise into perspective , just another example of how good these councilers work and how many times they have seen the situation before , its incredible how well they know you after 1 session , in fact she told me exactly what i was going to do when i walked out of the room and how i was going to feel that night and the next morning .... incredible

on the quiet

Well I choose to disagree, but that is what these things are all about right?
My husband is very understanding & when we were going through rough times, I've had other guys trying to be with me & I have been completely honest with him, Although he does not like it, he has been a source of strength to whom I turn to when I feel I will fall.
I don't believe you can build anything on a lie, especially a marraige...But each is entitled to your own opinion.

You are right about the things you were saying about this attraction you have, it is mostly fantasy. Sometimes we get in a rut or just bored & we think what things might be like with someone else. But that is just satan trying to get us to believe a lie, it can never be the right thing to destroy our family, even though our feelings sometimes tell us it is.
If you have a rough day, just try to pull yourself through it & get your mind on other things. The feelings will usually pass. Keep strong!!

well agree to dissagree ari ... lol .

There is a reason why we cant read peoples minds , remember that , in fact i would never want to know every time my wife was interested in someone else , id just trust her to work it out and lets face it , who are we kidding if she hasnt had a crush on someone in the last 10 years of marriage . Ive probably gone a bit overboard but i have no doubt shes been in a similar situation with work coleague or anyone ... im not with her 24/7 and dont want to be .

Tell me something in all honesty and i mean no disrespect to you and am not having a go at you ari but ....

Hubby comes home from work 1 day , is a bit quiet , then springs this on you " Honey , you know your best friend , well ive got really deep feelings for her , i get along with her allot more than i get along with you , i have allot more fun with her when were all out and one more thing , she could do in bed for me what you couldnt "

Tell me honestly now ari if thats something to bring out in the open to your spouse .

In fact just thought of something else , your saying in rough times you tell him of the guys that crack on to you , i reckon your VERY immature , wots that about , in my eyes id see that as playing yourself up and throwing it in his face saying " if you leave me ive got someone else lined up straight away " .

VERY WRONG .

on the quiet

Don't ditch people who are trying to help you out, first of all...
And Yes, my husband & I have a very honest relationship, I happen to need to be held accountable.
And you have it all wrong about I'm trying to build myself up, that is not the case at all, if anything I have tried to dresss more conservative, so as not to draw any attention to myself. My belief is in God & doing what he wants me to do. Yes, it is not always easy, but I'm trying.
We all struggle with things, & I would think I could share my utmost feelings with the person that I have choose to spend my life with. If anyone understands me better & is better able to help me through something, it is him.
Really don't make assumptions about people you don't know & get all defensive, I was only trying to help out.

<nodding to OTQ>

Im not getting defensive ari , im stating that some things are better left unsaid and i gave my reasons for why .

Anyway , well shake and leave it at that on that topic , we cant all think the same and in saying that there is NEVEr a right or wrong answer , its only wrong in my eyes

You mention not to make assumptions about people we dont know , id genuinly like to hear a bit about you and your background and i dont mind if you hijak this thread to tell us , there is nothing to hide here as none of us know each other personally and never will . I dont think that came across bad as it was in no way intended that way ( its hard to work out how people are saying things in writing sometimes hence why im using some of the smiley faces atm ) , i am just very interested in your situation as well .

on the quiet

Ok, I'll tell you some of what I have been through this last year. Married for 16 years, pretty much have a good marraige. Went away for 3 weeks to work on a project & was around a ton of guys. Did not even think about getting into a bad situation.
Anyway, I had to work with alot of men, had a ton hitting on me, they did not care if you were married. It was just something I wasn't use to, after being a stay at home mom for years. So, I was nice, but tried to stand my ground. Well one guy I had to work with each day & I came to trust him, I had been alone with him & he had not tried anything. I kinda thought of him as safe ground. Anyway, the last night before I was to come home, he made advances towards me. I did stop what was going on, but this is somethings in my value system that I never imagined happening. But I made the mistake of being too trusting & being too neive of what some guys are after I guess.
I called myhusband right away & told him of the situation. We started to go to counceling & were realizing we did have some problems in communication & that is one thing that drew me to that other person. So, Basically I've been kicking myself for the last 9 months, tryng to understand how I got in that situation & working hard at learning things to not ever be in that situation again. (maybe you understand now, why I have been telling you no contact with that person? Didn't want you to have to go through what I've been going through. It is just from my experience) I guess to say I thought I was above that kind of situation is beyond an exaggeration, I'm just saying it can happen to all of us.
comments??

Not clear from that if anything actually did happen...? A kiss, at least?

I think that telling your spouse that something happened -- or was even inches away from happening -- is still much different from "I find myself wishing something would happen but nothing has."

If nothing at all happened, if it was all wishing/ unacted-upon attraction, the reaction sounds a bit extreme to me, but it sounds like you live in a different universe than I do re: Satan and general concern with Christianity.

sozobe

Yes, things got a little intense for awhile, but i stopped things & said that I could not do this. Just feel stupid for putting myself in a postion like that, I should have been more careful. And no I was not looking for something to happen, had never really thought that way, but I let myself emotionally connect.
For me that is how I seem to connect with people, by talking. I guess my standards for myself were too high, just always wanted to do by best at my marraige. Now I have thoughts about it all the time, & am trying to get past it.
Thanks, me

Let's leave religion out of this. This is a matter of personal values, conscience and individual relationships.

My husband and I have a very good relationship, and I have no doubt it is because we do NOT tell each other everything. Not everything that goes through our heads is helpful, nurturing or supportive. A large part of being a good wife or husband is knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

I absolutely have not told my husband about crushes I've had. And he has not told me. We don't need to know that. Besides, it's something you have to work through in your own head. Why make it their problem, too?

I completely agree, Eva.

Sorry to keep asking, and of course you don't have to answer, ari, but it's a central point... what do you mean by "a little intense"? Did anything happen, or not?

In OTQ's case, nothing has happened. It's a simple crush, with no communication or physical contact. Nothing to report.

In your case, it sounds like at the very least there was some sort of communication, a mutual acknowledgement of mutual desire, and perhaps at least the beginning of kissing or something like that. That seems more like something to report, if so.

My point is that those are different things. OTQ has managed to stop things well before they got to the reportable stage.

Are you SURE???

He could be lying of course, but I'm taking what he says at face value.

One way to get rid of an obscession, if you truly want this, is negative conditioning. Put a strong rubber band around your wrist. When you think of this woman, give you wrist a strong snap. You won't have to do this a lot, least ways not so often that your wrist gets sore, and eventually the mind will associate thoughts of this woman in a negative way. If you really want this obscession you might do well to visit a psychotherapist and find out why.

The rubber band trick is good for quitting smoking too. After you quit for a while then have a relapse, simply snap your wrist with the first puff of each cigarette. The problem with quitting cigarettes or any habit is to come to the decision that you want to change; the rest is easy.

sozobe
Yes, things started to happen, kissing ..... it could have continued but it didn't .
And I know OTQ stopped it, he had asked me to share with him what I've been through & that is why I was sharing. Just trying to get across that anyone can be vulnerable, even if they really didn't want things to. Does that make sense?
The thoughts usually start in your mind (like OTQ) but if your not careful they take root. And women usually get more emotionally (by words) attatched before they think sexually, & from what I know , Men usually relate faster sexually(by what they see). That's just how were made.
If I can say anything to anyone that would help them in this situation, I would like to because it might save them from the pain I've been dealing with . Hope that helps clarify....

Thanks, ari. That was the impression I got. I do think that if you actually kiss someone, that's worth reporting.

It's pertinent because you've been saying things like "I know from experience," and "Only saying this, cause I know." Yet when you then lay out what you experienced, it turns out to be different from what OTQ has experienced in significant ways. Your advice is based on what happened to you, while something different is going on with OTQ.

I maintain that actually getting yourself into a situation where you're kissing someone (and "it could have continued") is something that should usually (I'm sure there are exceptions) be divulged, while merely thinking about someone/ a purely non-physical crush doesn't need to be, and in fact shouldn't be.

You cheeky bugger ... lol .

100% truth with nothing else to hide , plus another reason for being truthfull here is that i dont know anyone and nothing can get back so theres no need to cover up anything .

ari , yeah , thanx for letting a bit out about yourself , appreciated , but yeah , still not my situation and i still believe that crushes etc dont need to be revealed to the other half , if she did it to me , id feel insecure , start getting suspicious and then the marriage would just start snowballing , im just confident enough to know that i trust her and shell work it out in my favour without having to put it in the back of my head .

on the quiet

Just thought of something else, don't know if you can even get it where you are, but it might help....A book called Every Man's Battle By:Stephen Arterburn
It might be a great help to you....Blessings