How can i take my mind off a married woman

Tangent to the question - given sister in law, you may be in for big bang news before you are ready.

That's an excellent point.

onthequiet, my reading of the sister-in-law episode is that you didn't say anything definite to her and are pondering whether to do so -- is that right? Did you say anything to confirm her suspicions?

(I do NOT trust her motivations...)

If anyone has itunes or wants to purchase this cd , this song says it all , i reckon ive listened to it over 200 times and says the whole situation exactly im in with mixed emotions .

" Sarah McLachlan " song called " Stupid " absolutely sensational song .

Here are the lyrics:

http://www.lyrics007.com/Sarah%20McLachlan%20Lyrics/Stupid%20Lyrics.html

I can't fully agree. Why? I say that intelligent adults should already know that fidelity has always been (in the pragmatic sense) "optional". Sexual history bears this out.

As to "keeping one's promises", the arguments against the premise of life long primate pair bonding rear it's ugly head, as do the negative effects of our western-religious-cultural-norms on the supposed "benefits" of life long pair bonding.

As to having kids in the context of the ideal life long pair bonded nuclear family; I suggest that it's time is passing as the only socially acceptable and viable child rearing system.

I am not arguing as to whether traditional life long pair bonding is the best child rearing system or not; only that other systems are coming to the forefront as acceptable.

And I say it's about time!

In fact, I will venture to say that the extended family may well have a resurgence, as well as a more sexually relaxed environ.

nah , didnt mention anything made a point of it , just told her i dodnt know what she was on about ( trying to play the poker face ) .

I did talk to her about how close the 4 of us are in general though so but more towards how much my mate and i are frineds after all , if i just said no and walked off it would have made her think that there is something going on cause i dont want to talk bout it so i tried to stand there and talk crap as not to run ... i hope that made sense .

I have a strong feeling she does still know somethings going on though and before the next question , no , the SIL doesnt want me and all can say is i dont know how these sisters could have both come out of the same womb as this 1 got slapped pretty hard with the ugly stick .

Marriages involving multiple partners (male and female), and other similar relationships, here we come

I have a late relative by marriage from an african tribe, the village taking care, and so on.

I look at my own take, today, that whatever floats your boat is okay, assuming there is no pressure to bear - often a big assumption, but not always.

Okay -
for the bits of time you don't have children, for the bits of time you don't coerce, men or women doing the coercing.

By now I find lifestyles free of western mores, pure indeed, to be not so benevolent scams. Throw me another one. Still, a purist situation is conceivably possible. Peel me a grape while I wait.

I know what you mean, Osso.

onthequiet, that sounds promising -- if she suspects but you didn't confirm anything, that's manageable.

Really, from everything you say, EVERYONE knows, and it's a tinderbox ready to explode in one direction or another. The object of your affection knows. When the four of you are together, the sister-in-law knows -- I'd be willing to bet that the respective spouses know, too.

This stuff is usually much less opaque than the main characters think it is.

Not all more open relationships are scammy and/or unsuccessful, and of course many so-called nuclear, supposedly pair-bonded family units are scammy and/or unsuccessful.

Yup. It sure sounds like it, soz.

onthequiet, you need to do something fast. Seriously. From the way you describe things, you could still get out of this thing alive and without ripping anyone's heart out.

Just keep it simple. Cause it is simple.
Do you love your wife? (assuming yes)
Then you gotta do WHATEVER it takes to straighten this up.
If that means telling her the truth, and cutting ties if need be - then I'd do it!

You are thinking about having an affair and you are obsessing and making a fool of yourself, and also causing a mess.

You could come out smelling like roses if you played it right. By standing up straight and doing what needs to be done to avoid a disaster.....even if it means you taking some slack for however long, and making some tough calls....in the end people will see that you are a man who does what is right.

I firmly believe that integrity wins out in the longrun. Don't just stand to lose your wife, your home, your hours and respect of your kids, your friends,.....but also your own self respect. That would be the real sh*tter; don't you think?

*Just my thoughts as an unmarried lass.

And you could also go for it. Many have and have been happier. Many have and have been totally fucked up.

Time now for you to pay attention to what you are thinking of tossing.

Naturally media hype is going to play up the open relationship scams, but shirley you've heard of the trophy wife, or getting married for convenience, or getting married for money, or divorce settlements that are outrageous, or spousal spats that escalate into pure stupidity and/or insanity?

...........Same **** different pile..............

I'll admit that the flaw with my advice is that one feels like tossing one's marriage not for a week, but for years. Sometimes those thoughts are constructive. Sometimes they decimate without bounds.

Please don't play at this point - unless you are dealing with another player, and then I have no advice.

well decision is not to go any further in the sexual part which i was pretty addiment on anyway but next decision is im not even going to talk to her about it and thats a decision made from advice here from you guys ( strangely enough information from people you dont know can be better ) . Thirdly i cant sevr ties so sorry guys for dissapointing on that 1 but its just not possible and its not about being a man and standing up to it , it just cant be done .Fourthly , i love my wife , never havnt ad just try to get back to life there and make her as happy as i can which in turn will bring me the happiness back .

Still going to find it hard to deal with when i see miss X but well see how it pans out , could just be a peak period and might slow down .

My dad had hypnotherapy for smoking about 10 years ago and went from 2 packs a day to 0 overnight , i wonder if this will work on this situation , im actually nt joking about this and may follow that up , if thats a possibility , how great would it be , get mezmarized into thinking that every time i see her , shes just 1 of my wifes pain in the butt friends ... could be good

My feelings is that families in their 30's should not be getting together as there is the likelihood of attraction from others' mates. Maybe 40's is better as all parties are almost wornthreads and less attractive physically. Family get-ogethers are like playing with fire - someone is going to get hurt bad, very bad.

talk .. uhhmm sorry mate , dont agree with that 100% we are firneds with heaps of people in their 30s , in fact 90% of us are in our 30s , i find some atractive yes its normal as would most husbands or girls for that matter to the guys , my wife says the same thing bout 1 of my mates but thats natural but dont think of them anymore than buddies and have had heaps of great nights and memories as a group . I wouldnt change that .

im not saying 40 is old but your as mature to the age you hang with so this is who i am atm .

The point is you are posting your dilemma which arises from that dangerous get-togethers. You carry on and you are going to lose something and gain something. You lose your wife and love of your children if divorce ensues but you gain 'her' and her children who might not be thrilled with you as you are not their father. Above all you will win the love of your lawyers.

oh well guys , bout 6 months since starting this thread thought id give you all a bit of an update .

I have still proven allot of people wrong here as i have not spoken to miss X about anything and staying stron but things still very hard to deal with , its still hard but im somehow plodding along day by day .

i have confided in a friend which has made it a bit easier as i can let emotions out and we make a point of teeing up once a week to support each other as shes got a few things on her end that are troubling her ( and no , definitely no temptation with this girl i catch up with and has been a true friend i've grown up with si can honestly say i see her as a sister ) .

Its just amazing that i cant get over this .

In the last 6 months though many opportunities have arose where we have been on our own ( its like our spouses put us in this situation to test us ) and i just ignore her and watch tv or go outside and pretend im doing something ( as does she ) , yesterday was a killer as her husband asked me if i could go over to paint a few rooms as miss x would be home all day and he was gonna be home by lunch time so i went , he rings after ive started to tell me hes working till 7, i felt extremely uncomfortable on our own so rang a mate to come over and give me a hand ( cost me $150 to pay him but hey , cheap alternative for feeling weird on my own with her ) . Today she also rang me to ask if i could drive her to the other side of the city to pick up some door locks , i just told her i was busy , its things like this that head f u # # me cause why ring me , her parents , brother , friend all live within 5 minutes from her .

What to do ... im staying strong and will continue to do so but just wanted to keep you all posted and bump the thread if anyone had any new ideas on forgetting the other woman .

Anyway , sorry for the shpeil but 6 months down this is where i am.

THanx guys for your time in reading this novel of a life story , muchly appreciated