How can i take my mind off a married woman

Not only is it human nature to be attracted to people, but its healthy. I am married and my husband works at a bank with nothing but women. He has a friend there who I would say almost obsesses over. So much that he comes home and talks to me about her. I am jealous but only because she obviously has something that I don't. You love your wife I gathered that much but I will wager that you don't know her very well anymore. Relationships tend to get monotonous. This "friend" that you fantasize about is nothing more than that, a fantasy. I have learned that 9 times out of 10 the fantasy is way better than the reality. You are intrigued by her because your mind is telling you. Wow! Here is someone new and fascinating, but 5 years and 3 kids later.....shes your wife. If you are content in your relationship then keep your fantasies for shower time and get to know the woman who is by your side. I will guarantee you will find out things that will fascinate you just as much as your"friend" does.

Or just try watching porn every day.

Or have you thought about focusing on something else? Perhaps exploring anal sex with your wife?

Bees dick : must be an aussie saying ... lol .

Sex with wife : its great at the moment and yes , we do get the movies going allot as to try new ideas ,: anal id love to try it for curiosity but she aint in so wont push it as everything else is good anyway so not an issue if i get it or not .

Yeah , i do really see My mates wife as a great mate as i get allong with her better than my best mate who is her husband , only thing shes extreemly attractive to go with it and this is what is killing me . I will take any opportunity to try and catch a glance or anything each time i see her and this is now what im trying o avoid .

SO i guess the general concensuss is mainly to not talk to her about it and ride it out , ive been thinking that 2 and a bit years of liking her would have worn off , not gotten worse though .

Another one of these "My Husband Watches Porn All Day" style Topics. I think we have a pervert aboard!!

Anon

Anon, have you actually read through all three pages of this thread?

onthequiet, is cutting off all ties an option? 2 and a bit years is pretty long. I'm afraid I've never gotten completely out of this situation without being completely removed from the situation (though it happened then).

It isn't a crush. He's admitted to being obsessed.

I'm glad you took the time to tell me that.

No, it's just Roxanne the know-it-all-troll.

Yep!

Anon

Oh well , i was pulled up today by her sister inlaw who was at our place the other night with her and we had a 20 or so minute convo bout the situation , i didnt bring it up , she just knew as apparently she just sensed what was going on which was pretty weird in my books .

Her advice , talk to her and this advice is from her sister in law . She agrees that the girl in question does not fit into her marriage but is happy and hasnt heard anything but just beleives the feelings are mutual and i stress that she STRESSED she hasnt spoken bout me to her .

Now for more complications , if i talk to her , its all out and things could be settled or atleast i know where i stand , i say this in this sense and i mean no dissrespect to women but maybee subconciously my mind is playing a game in the sense that allot of gys are like hunters , we live our life as we do all the time but sometimes just chase for the sake of catching so we feel we still have the Mojo shall we say . I dont feel this way that i know of but maybee finding out exactly her feelings could end this game .

Option 2 , this situation is not getting better ( my feelings waring off ) after 2 and a bit years or so but maybee just still let it ride for a while without knowing BUT still getting headfucked everyday thinking ( sorry for the language but this is what its doing to me ) .

Today i took the day off work , went to our holliday home and sat on the beach for most of the day thinking of every possible solution , couldnt think of anything or even concentrate for that matter , why is this happening . I just want to hold her so bad , i can actually say at the moment i dont want sexual contact , i just wnat to hold her and smell her and look into her eyes .

Im sure i sound like a syco to most here but im pretty sure im not , im just so confused ... lol .

actually it does sound like sexual contact but you know what i mean , thats as far as i want to go , i just want to hold her .

Love , well someone mentioned it might not be as love is something that you work on and develope as an example my marriage .

Anyway , still confused but just wanted to clear the sexual contact thing .

If you're as happily married as you claim in your first post, why are you doing this? Why are you harping on it? A short-term crush is one thing (I think a lot of folks have 'em), but this is ridiculous. This is an obsession and it's taking over your life.

BTW, the gal's sister-in-law, I think, is clearly just trying to start trouble. So this woman is not fitting into her marriage. Are you?

My advice - end the first relationship before (if) you get involved in the second. Be a man about it and don't jerk your wife around. She doesn't deserve that. And neither does your friend. Remember him? This will kill him, too, you know. Oh, and yeah, there are kids. This won't exactly be a walk in the park for them, either.

Not so easy when you have something to lose, eh? You see, that's it. And I'm sorry if someone has said this before and yeah, I'm being harsh, but the bottom line is, it feels like a nice, safe, warm fantasy if you have nothing to lose and no pain and no misfortune. But that's not how it would be. It would be guilt, even if you were never caught. It would be sneaking around and lying. If you were caught, it would be arguments. It would be what used to quaintly be called "alienation of affection". And it would possibly end your marriage. No more holiday home. No more hangin' around with your wife who I assume you still like as a person. Your life would change radically. It would not just be a quick partner change, where this woman suddenly, magically appears in your home, your car, your kitchen and your bed instead of your wife. It means the home, car, kitchen and bed all change. A lot. Divorce and separation are economic issues, not just emotional ones.

Oh, and don't kid yourself. You can lie to yourself but not to us. You just want to hold her? Riiiiight. And I've got a bridge to sell you. Even if you firmly, consciously believe that, it's just not the case. It's not about holding this woman and smelling her hair. You could give her a hug, out in the open and in front of your wife and everyone else on the planet if that's what this was about. That's not it, and you, deep down, know it.

Do yourself a favor, and do your wife a favor, if you still care about her, if at least you feel for her as a friend -- and sh!t or get off the pot. If you go for it, go all the way and end your marriage if you're going to go for this woman, but recognize that that's a huge risk and she might not share your obsession or be impressed with your sacrifice. If you don't want to do that, then don't. But don't hang around in stalemate land any longer. All it's doing is making you nuts, and the longer things stay this way, the more attractive a sneaking around affair will begin to look. And the chances are incredibly good that an affair will not be as wonderful as it looks from where you sit right now.

Quote jespah " And I'm sorry if someone has said this before and yeah, I'm being harsh "

Jespah .... beig harsh .... this is what im here for , for people to either put me in my place , in fact people to put me in my place or offer advice in which you have given me both so your comments are appreciated .

All stuff to think about , im not here to hear what i want to hear which is it will all be good and fine , im here to listen to others ideas which in turn means to put me in my place so never offence taken on any replies .

You've just saved me a lot of typing, jespah.


Just keep a few things in your head about all this, otq.....firstly, try to envisage seeing your children on a sunday only, and having to take them out for the day, as you are not allowed back into your old marital home.

Secondly, try to picture your ex wife crying all the time, whilst having to deal with crying children, who wonder what the bloody hell has happened to their world.

Try to think what your nose will look like, once your mate finds out that you are having rumpy with his missus.

Visualise the little bedsit that you will live in, as that is all you can afford once the alimony has been taken out of your pay packet.


And ask yourself this......is it all going to be worth it, for the occasional five minutes of extra curricular squelching?

A nearby neighbour of mine no longer needs to visualise these things, as they have happened to him.

I wonder how happy he is today? We see him pull up in the car occasionally, and take the kids out for the day. He always looks tense.
One thing I do know, is that his ex wife has aged ten years over the past twelve months, and the kids don't play out in the garden like they used to.

My advice otq? Never wear rose tinted glasses.

onthequiet,

It sounds to me like you are starting to try to justify your actions/feelings. I am beginning to think that you have already made up your mind on this situation and are merely waiting for your chance to act on it.

I agree with Jespah when she says do not jerk around your wife. If you are going to mess up her life at least have the decency to be honest with her.

The thing I can't figure out is why, if you are so happy with your marriage, are you willing to throw it all away... makes me think you really aren't as happy as you say you are or you just don't care about you wife like Bella suggested.

Yes, I completely agree on the sexual contact thing, if that is currently what is up for discussion. You want sexual contact. Own that fact and deal with it.

I haven't gotten an answer yet on cutting off all ties -- obviously you don't want to, but is it feasible, at all? Not that it'd be awkward, not that it'd be a hassle, but is it possible?

From Quote of the Day:


Be master of mind rather than mastered by mind.


~Proverb, (Zen)~


I agree with the latest posters.

As for your Love Object's sister-in-law...."Female Pimp"

In Junior High, pimping is socially acceptable. "Buzz, buzz buzz. She sorta likes you do you sorta liker her? Buzz, buzz, buzz.

If you are determined to break your marriage vows, give your wife fair warning that she made a big, big mistake in the man she chose to marry and have children with.

If you call it an obsession, are you already 'mentally' cheating on your wife?


So you have a temptation now.


You do want to have an affair. Everything you have posted screams this message loud and clear.


A person who does not want to have an affair would not ask if they should speak to her about it, they would know NOT to mention it to her. No. 3 tells me that you WANT her to want you. You want her to fancy you and you are scared to come right out and ask, because you think you will fall flat on your face if she says no. There is only one reason why you would get a friend to ask her and that is because you want her to be interested in having an affair with you. If you have no interest in an affair then #3 would never even be an option.


Apparently your understanding now reads as, you are thinking about having an affair or running off with someone. How nice for your wife and family.


A game was it? Do be careful that you don't end up playing alone.


How would it "fix my issues"? If she fancies you, will you leave your wife and hook up with your best friends wife? If she doesn't fancy you, will you finally behave like a mature married man who is good friends with his wifes best friend? And as for the "if I'm still reading it wrong, it could go the other way" what the heck does that mean? You are reading it as if she is interested, right. So if you're reading it wrong, that means she's not interested. And by it going the other way, this means that an affair is not going to happen, right? Jeez man, you just told us you'd be disappointed if she didn't want you and if you two didn't have an affair!

You started posting on Feb 3, after 2.5 years of fancying your best friends wife. Suddenly, on Feb 7 you post that her sister-in-law confronts you with your/her feelings. Strange that. A couple days after starting to talk about it here and then someone IRL brings up the subject with you? Hmm. Is this a real story or what? Seems quite pat that this would happen in my mind. Are you telling the truth? Oh and I notice the sister in law apparently urges you to talk to her - the opposite of what people here have been telling you:

BTW, no woman would approach a guy before first talking girl-on-girl. If a sister-in-law had feelings you were hot for this woman, she would have run it by her first, hands down. (unless the two women do not get along?)

At the end of the day (if this story is true) you have two options:

1. Leave your wife and family, set up shop with the best-friends wife, and let things happen as they will. Lots of people pissed at you, but you could end up having the happiest of relationships of your life. Stop pussying around about whether this woman wants you or not. Go to her, tell her you are prepared to leave your wife and you want her to leave her husband so you can both be together. Not sure if this is what you want? Then look at option 2 below.

2. Be a responsible mature man and swat yourself mentally for being a love-struck (or is that obsession-struck) man, who loves his wife and family and is not prepared to hurt them for a "maybe" happier relationship.

I like Jespah's "**** or get off the pot" statement. Fits in good here.

I think Ellpus's remarks were "spot on."

You need to think down the road, onthequiet. It doesn't appear you've done that. You're focused on your feelings as opposed to realities.

Is this potential happiness worth losing your home, your wife, your best friend, your financial standing, and messing up your children's lives? Because that is exactly what's going to happen if you continue down this road. With absolutely NO guarantee that you'll wind up having a life with her.

I'm telling you the truth. You need to start thinking with your head. (No, not that one.)

And you'd better do it fast, considering your sister-in-law. Wow, that was a conversation that never should have happened. No telling what havoc she could wreak with this information. I wouldn't trust her for a second.