Reply Tue 13 Dec, 2005 11:17 pm
Does anybody have any experience dating a widow(husband died 2+ years ago)?

What do you say to the pictures of the dead husband sitting on the night stand while you....well...you know?

What about marriage and the issue of pictures of the dead husband all over the house?
 
Lash
 
  4  
Reply Tue 13 Dec, 2005 11:30 pm
I'll be watching this one.

Very important questions--and I don't have a clue what the answers should be. Hopefully, someone will come along and answer them--

I'm a recent widow-- I'm light years away from thinking about "dating"-- But, this thread might be helpful to me, anyway.

Good luck.
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dyslexia
 
  2  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 07:06 am
a widow or widower is, usually, also a human being. I find that a good place to start.
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FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 07:35 am
Lash, I didn't know and I'm sorry to hear that.

JohnCarter, this is a very tough question that I have no experience with so no advice here. It's very hard to compete with a dead person. If you have a close relationship with her you might start by vocalizing your discomfort in a non-confrontational way without suggesting what she should do about it.
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shewolfnm
 
  2  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 08:06 am
if you are in a relationship with a widow.. and you stay in her home alot of the times, you could.. as freeduck says, mention that it makes you a bit uncomfortable..
and, if it seems reasonable.. Ask her if she could 'desginate" a spot for these pictures?
One place in the house, where they can be displayed.. but you dont feel so strange about it.

I cant imagine the feelings of dating someone who is still not quite over the death of thier spouse.

Maybe things are moving too fast to begin with?


( i didnt know this lash. I hope you are healing well... Hug to you )
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Questioner
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 08:42 am
shewolfnm wrote:

I cant imagine the feelings of dating someone who is still not quite over the death of thier spouse.

Maybe things are moving too fast to begin with?


Wisely spoken. You must discover if she is healed enough to even be in a relationship at all. It may be that you need to prepare yourself to wait awhile before progressing with the relationship.

Good luck!

Lash, best wishes to you also.
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 09:23 am
Didn't know, Lash. Let me add my voice -- so sorry for your loss.
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Slappy Doo Hoo
 
  0  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 09:25 am
A funeral home can be a great place to pick up women.
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Noddy24
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 09:29 am
Lash--

Please accept my sympathy.


JohnCarter--

Dating a widow/widower and being unable to discuss the displays of photographs of the Dear Departed is a bit like being a sexually active teenager who doesn't feel she knows the guy well enough to discuss splitting the cost of birth control.

If you need a silence breaker try, "Do you still miss your husband?"
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Lash
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 07:06 pm
How nice to find such sweet kindnesses. I deeply value each one.

Listening to advice. I can see that there is a difference in having a relationship with a person who has likely been extremely close and comfortable with one person--and had that person taken from them against their will.

Of course, you should speak of the other person, but I can imagine both the widow and the prospective intimate may find it complicated to find a comfort zone.

I know people say trying to "compete" with a memory is ridiculous, but on some level--don't you actually have to address that.

I think I'd rather date a divorced man than someone who still loves his wife--who BTW, has recently been sainted. Of course, I'm sure some divorced men still love their wives and think they can do no wrong--
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 07:37 pm
There seem to be times for amourning. I suppose on occasion the person gone was some kind of saint but mostly they were quite human and loved besides their foibles. Sometimes not... but with an underlying kablooey of love realized some time later.

Divorce is a giant thicket, and I think especially so after much of the verdant part of life will seem to have passed.
Death and dealing with it is, well, I don't know, it didn't happen to me, but I can imagine.
Life without engagement is a weird zone, and one passes through that with insecure footing.
We all age and go through travail, don't we?

Well, there's a question. I used to look at some people who seemed to have it so smoothe... some of those lives lived are probably superficial, but many are golden skims on lives of trouble.

People really are very interesting. Being a widow or widower and working through it counts. I think some people on a2k have experience in this, but I won't begin to speak for them.
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Lash
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 07:49 pm
I always enjoy reading you, osso.

I wanted to clarify that the dead aren't really sainted--but we tend to feel as though they are after they die. I think sometimes we feel so guilty for surviving that we completely whitewash everything they ever did.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 08:15 pm
And people are more complicated and more interesting and more memorable for all those nasties and good bits and human traits. We should love each other whole.





excuse the word should, could instead.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 08:21 pm
I saw your mention of a death in the family on Craven's college thread, Lash, and wondered... I'm very sorry.
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Lash
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 08:24 pm
Thank you so much, soz.
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JohnCarter
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 09:28 pm
Noddy24 wrote:

JohnCarter--

Dating a widow/widower and being unable to discuss the displays of photographs of the Dear Departed is a bit like being a sexually active teenager who doesn't feel she knows the guy well enough to discuss splitting the cost of birth control.

If you need a silence breaker try, "Do you still miss your husband?"


We have in fact discussed the display of the Dear Departed. We have also discussed her feelings for her deceased husband. She loves him and he will always have a special place in her heart. The photos went out of the bedroom only to re-appear a few weeks later.

By the way is there a proper label for her former husband: dead husband, ex, former husband, deceased husband, Joebob, ???

I was curious what the opinion of people who may have dealt with similiar situations was. How big an issue do I make of the photos? I know I would never move into a house with another man on the wall. I presume(correctly?) that most people would feel the same way.

Lash: You have my sympathies.
ossobuco
 
  0  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 09:36 pm
I dunno about never moving into a house with a photo. That sounds rather peremptory, curt. A loved one who is part of one's past doesn't have to be a rival for attention. We all have histories. Or maybe not. Maybe you need to go get your own.

History is a start.
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JohnCarter
 
  0  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 09:46 pm
ossobuco wrote:
I dunno about never moving into a house with a photo. That sounds rather peremptory, curt. A loved one who is part of one's past doesn't have to be a rival for attention. We all have histories. Or maybe not. Maybe you need to go get your own.

History is a start.


What exactly do you mean by "Maybe you need to go get your own." I do in fact have my own history. Is it possible you are making extreme presumptions?

Have you ever dated a widow? Do you have a clue? If you don't know what you are talking about and are looking to up your impressive post count maybe you should just opt out of the thread. I am sure there is some post about someone wanting an open relationship or someone sleeping with someones mom you could grace.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 09:52 pm
What?

I mention thinking that not moving into a house with a photo is questionable, peremptory, and I get a barrage that

I haven't dated a widow
I don't have a clue
I love my post count
I should opt out of the thread
I should seek a thread about open relationships
or about sleeping with mom.


Well. I'll just that all sit.

Good evening.
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JohnCarter
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Dec, 2005 09:55 pm
ossobuco wrote:
What?

I mention thinking that not moving into a house with a photo is questionable, peremptory, and I get a barrage that

I haven't dated a widow
I don't have a clue
I love my post count
I should opt out of the thread
I should seek a thread about open relationships
or about sleeping with mom.


Well. I'll just that all sit.

Good evening.



If I over reacted I apologize.

Good evening.

I think it's time for me to jump into get into my airship, fly to my palace, and go to sleep(after I check the thread about somones mom).
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